Need advice...Sikhi in relationships

Jaya · #1 (**permalink**) 17-Nov-2011, 09:19 AM

GURU FATEH

M in love wid a Sikh guy i myslf cum from a mona punjabi family.. I want to accept sikhism completely by taking amrit but my father dsnt support me.. N my bf's family r luking for a girl who is deeply into sikhi.. His family wont approve of me easily dey also are amritdharis n very deeply into sikhi.. Its been 1 and a half years since we are together since then i hav kept all my kesh [i mean all].. m trying my best to be widin sikhi n be involved in it but my guy is not really satisfied wid my progress.. i need help pls... he feels dat i shud be sum1 in whose talks sikhi reflects... m in my teenage right now n its a bit difficult to resist from movies n songs coz i was very used to them.. bt m tryng now my phone has more shabads than songs n i rarely watch movies... pls suggest me sum inspirational stories or may be a gud book.. i really luv him n sikhism also n i feel dat my effrts are fine [though m sure m a moorakh to think that way] ... bt wen i see dat unsatisfied tone in his voice i feel disheartened... pls its a request help me wid wtever u think can help me in this journey...
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/love-and-marriage/37610-need-advice-sikhi-in-relationships.html
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=37610
Thanx

Inderjeet Kaur · #2 (**permalink**) 17-Nov-2011, 11:11 AM

I would suggest that you quit trying to please him and his family and work toward becoming the Sikhni that Guru envisions you as.

amritsari · #3 (**permalink**) 17-Nov-2011, 11:59 AM

Sikhi is much bigger than me, you, your bf or his family. Please do not mix your faith and humans together.
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=37610

Ask your self, if you would you like to be a sikh. if he is not in your life. If answer is yes, then do sukhmani sahib paath and simran 'every day' and do not expect anything in return. You shall see all will be well.

If your answer is 'no', do not get disheartened, you are just a teenager and a human being. Your he is probably hinting to it.

Either way, you should do sukhmani sahib path and simran every day.
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=37610

From your description, it seems that you are putting more emphasis on how to look like a sikh and please him and his family, it is more important to be first be sikh from inside, your looks will transform automatically.

Remember, 'jah muskal hovai at bhaaree. har ko naam khin maahi uDhaaree" - from Sukhmani Sahib - 2nd Ashtapadee

Taranjeet singh · #4 (**permalink**) 17-Nov-2011, 14:37 PM

As per my little experience the chances are slim to none that this kind of marriage would work. Social adjustments and religious differences are too much and take the toll of human being esp. the girl as she is the new comer.
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=37610
Boy's parents generally do not approve of such marriages .They can be compelled only and they usually bow to the pleadings of the boy. But post marriage adjustments is a grey area and would require you to forget your individuality as well Your parents may also not approve of living the way sikhs lead their religious life.
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=37610
There will be lot of friction between the parents of both side and you would be lucky if they exchange visits after marriage.
Please take a considered decision after exercising due diligence and analyzing pros and cons.In your case problem is double as you are considering a boy from Amritdhari family.
No one can guide in these personal matters. I have also given an opinion that is based on my experience with dealing few cases of divorce. Hence it is also a subjective not meant to discourage you at all.

harry haller · #5 (**permalink**) 17-Nov-2011, 15:26 PM

Jayaji,

My advice would be to run a mile from this family and find someone who accepts you for what you are, and whose family welcomes you with open arms.
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=37610

The comments I find worrying are
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=37610

Im trying my best to be widin sikhi n be involved in it but my guy is not really satisfied wid my progress.. i need help pls... he feels dat i shud be sum1 in whose talks sikhi reflects

bt wen i see dat unsatisfied tone in his voice i feel disheartened

If you carry on this path, you will end up losing yourself, you will lose all self respect, all ambition, all sense of self, this family sounds like the Borg from Star Trek, and I have seen many families like them, they assimilate, they strip, they will change your name, tell you what to do, how to act, all in the name of being amritdhari. A true Amritdhari sikh, contrary to what is popular opinion is not someone who is 'reeply religious' or who follows the rituals and does the things that make them a sikh, a true amritdhari is a caring person who lives life by the tenants of Gurbani, of love, respect, compassion, if your boyfriend is Amritdhari, then he is behaving more like a fanatical chauvinist.

How are you ever going to be on equal terms in this relationship? I think life with this family will be hard work for you, I think you should go back to being a teenager, and enjoying life, and then, if you ever feel the spiritual urge, explore sikhi at your leisure, not as a way of winning a heart

Remember out there is someone who will accept you with no strings, and without trying to make you feel bad about yourself, who will love you as you are,

Good luck

Inderjeet Kaur · #6 (**permalink**) 17-Nov-2011, 15:35 PM

That is beautiful, Harry, and I totally agree. It's awfully hard, though, for a teenager to deny her heart and act rationally.

I was once a teenager in love and nothing would have stopped me short of killing me, I think.

Jaya · #7 (**permalink**) 18-Nov-2011, 00:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Inderjeet Kaur

I would suggest that you quit trying to please him and his family and work toward becoming the Sikhni that Guru envisions you as.

Thanx a lot for ur advice.. i'll try to work accordingly..

Jaya · #8 (**permalink**) 18-Nov-2011, 00:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by harry haller

Jayaji,

My advice would be to run a mile from this family and find someone who accepts you for what you are, and whose family welcomes you with open arms.

The comments I find worrying are

Im trying my best to be widin sikhi n be involved in it but my guy is not really satisfied wid my progress.. i need help pls... he feels dat i shud be sum1 in whose talks sikhi reflects

bt wen i see dat unsatisfied tone in his voice i feel disheartened

If you carry on this path, you will end up losing yourself, you will lose all self respect, all ambition, all sense of self, this family sounds like the Borg from Star Trek, and I have seen many families like them, they assimilate, they strip, they will change your name, tell you what to do, how to act, all in the name of being amritdhari. A true Amritdhari sikh, contrary to what is popular opinion is not someone who is 'reeply religious' or who follows the rituals and does the things that make them a sikh, a true amritdhari is a caring person who lives life by the tenants of Gurbani, of love, respect, compassion, if your boyfriend is Amritdhari, then he is behaving more like a fanatical chauvinist.

How are you ever going to be on equal terms in this relationship? I think life with this family will be hard work for you, I think you should go back to being a teenager, and enjoying life, and then, if you ever feel the spiritual urge, explore sikhi at your leisure, not as a way of winning a heart

Remember out there is someone who will accept you with no strings, and without trying to make you feel bad about yourself, who will love you as you are,

Good luck

Harry ji thanx a lot for ur reply.. i know wat u r saying is absolutely correct logically... but my heart doesn't wanna agree.. M a girl who is confused as to whom she shud listen her mind or her heart... all that u hav said is completely true.. i already feel that way...
M jst trying to figure out wat exactly i want... thanx

Jaya · #9 (**permalink**) 18-Nov-2011, 00:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Taranjeet singh

As per my little experience the chances are slim to none that this kind of marriage would work. Social adjustments and religious differences are too much and take the toll of human being esp. the girl as she is the new comer.
Boy's parents generally do not approve of such marriages .They can be compelled only and they usually bow to the pleadings of the boy. But post marriage adjustments is a grey area and would require you to forget your individuality as well Your parents may also not approve of living the way sikhs lead their religious life.
There will be lot of friction between the parents of both side and you would be lucky if they exchange visits after marriage.
Please take a considered decision after exercising due diligence and analyzing pros and cons.In your case problem is double as you are considering a boy from Amritdhari family.
No one can guide in these personal matters. I have also given an opinion that is based on my experience with dealing few cases of divorce. Hence it is also a subjective not meant to discourage you at all.

I know m sure der will be a lot of problems n a lot of friction between our families as well.. but i can't imagine myself without this guy.. n pls dnt think that this religion thing is jst for him.. after watching Bhai Taru Singh jee's movie i decided to never get my hairs cut n dat was way before this guy came into my life.. I also luv my religion but obviously not as much as he does.. anyways m going to keep trying coz i myself wanna becum a Sikhni..
Thanx for ur advice