Tips for Being Less Judgmental Please?

(This post might be better in leisure, but some of the examples I'm about to give might generate some hard talk in themselves.)

I'm putting myself out there with this post. Please be gentle with me!

Can anyone suggest tips for being less judgmental? I will give you a summary of my morning, and perhaps the sangat here can tell me what their internal dialogue might be in these situations (so I might be able to modify my own internal dialogue into something more positive).

I go to a very liberal Gurdwara. It is wonderful in it's openness. However, sometimes things happen which irk me. Today was a record breaker: I counted four individual happenings which irked me. Here's the abbreviated form of what happened:
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/general-discussion/37052-tips-for-being-less-judgmental-please.html

1. I was sitting in sangat, a young lady (18 y/o perhaps) went to matha tek. She was wearing jeans. I'm over the jeans issue now, people can wear what they like. But when she bowed, she showed the top of her, um, bottom. That irked me.

2 and 3. People and children not covering their heads in darbar sahib (for the whole time or a few minutes thereof).

4. At langar, a family talking about cutting their daughter's hair, and not "forcing" her to keep it. No mention was made of any value of hair in Sikhi.

I don't like this fundamentalist tendency I'm developing. I don't want to be mentally criticising people in my own sangat. I am no better than them, I have a million faults, but I need some tips to help me cultivate a sense of humility in the face of what I perceive to be disrespect or disregard for something I think is so precious.
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=37052

So, what would your internal dialogue be in these situations? Where can I place my thoughts so I don't have such a self-righteous and irksome attitude when I should be humble?

Thank you for your help!!!

 
Do share your immediate thoughts or reactions on this issue? We value your views! Login Now! or Sign Up Today! to share your views with us.. Gurfateh!

Bhenji,

I went through a similar phase month ago when I found all the sikhs round me irked me because they were so damn abrahamic. I tried to tell them, to talk to them, I just made myself out to be some sort of fanatic. They started calling me Gyani Harry behind my back, and making fun of me, because of my views, (see this dogpoo, etc etc)

It is not about being judgemental, it is about allowing other people to worship in whatever manner they wish, and respecting that. Please do not waste your precious time and energy on judging another with only a snippet of information available to you, and by imposing your heartfelt feelings on the lives of another, we are all different, and we all view creator differently, and therefore should be allowed to behave differently,
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=37052

I am extremely shocked by the behaviour of the young lady doing matha tek in jeans and showing her bottom, I suggest next time you get documentary proof of such events and PM them to me so that I may assist you further in this quest for more modest matha tek.

Isna Ji Are you sure you were sitting in the sangat,if you sit in something that something means you and it are one.That is the ideal, Perhaps you were just sitting watching it.Out of that sangat how many were there in mind and body,maybe they were all just going through the motions.Not that I'm judging but if that bottom showing happens often I might have to start going more often.

Ishna ji

Deep within me a voice is saying that no one should be giving advice as if he/she had grasped the key and could turn the lock for you. But with your indulgence let me share some of my own reflections and reactions, in no particular logical order.

You are already moving away from emotions you distrust just by reflecting and asking questions of yourself. It shows you are open to an inner moral review. A hardcore judgmental person would not do this.

Some of the things you have cited should be questioned. Questioning the rightness of something is not necessarily being judgmental. It may simply demonstrate that you are testing your own moral compass.

Can one or should one give up a sense of right and wrong? And if not, then the wrong should bother us. Or no?

I struggle with different issues in sangat from those you mention. But I still struggle. My sense is that I am being judgmental when my questions lead to feelings of irritation and I want others to change, to be more like me. In other words, I define "judgmental" according to the expectation that others will change to suit my value system.

One thing started to happen, as my irritations grew and I could not ignore the fact that I was the angry one. I was angered by intolerance and still am. I realized that I felt my values were more inclusive and more tolerant, yet I was excluding those who had a different view. What did that contradiction tell me? I kept asking that question. And I realized that I had good reason to have a different set of values....with one hitch. My values, however fine I believed they were, came from the breadth of experiences that I had over an entire lifetime. My life had introduced me to many different cultures and ways of life. These made it possible for me to see beyond the narrow range of experience that others had had. I had been given a gift. So how could I then resent others who had not been likewise blessed? Or who did not even sense that exposure to different ways of life is a blessing? Now these feelings that irk me are starting to subside, as I am able to take back my irritations.

I hope this helps. Do not be so hard on yourself. Emotions evolve and so does one's sense of the place of others in one's life. Give yourself time.

Ishna ji,

Guru Fateh.

I understand your frustrations which are valid. A Gurdwara in diaspora have multiple functions especially when the services are held once a week on Sunday. For most of the Punjabis it is more a social gathering than to quench their moral thirst because they claim to parrot Gurbani at home daily and consider their work done because the process makes them think they have become "sin free" now. As Harry ji said, it is the Abrahamical mentality many cultivate.
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=37052

For many just going to Gurdwara takes care of their bad deeds they may have committed in the past week.

There is a Sukhmani Paath done every Sunday in the Gurdwara and I was asked to join them. I gave them the idea that rather than parroting the whole Paath in 45 mins or less, in case we start late so we have to fast forward our reading, why don't we take one verse a week, do our homework on it and discuss is in the gathering the next week. I was vetoed because for the majority it was not "Naam Japnah" and it would take a long time to finish the Paath. So, unfortunately the ritualistic part is still very strong in Sikhi which our Gurus tried to get rid of.

But, the things are changing slowly to better. We have 2 wide screens displays (I have no idea if you have the same in your Gurdwara), where the English Translation of the Shabads being sung are projected that makes it easier for the non Punjabi speaking Sangat which is quite a lot, to accompany and understand the Shabads and it also may give them the chance to think about the message while going back home.

The Hukumnaama is elaborated in a simple way in English for about 15 minutes which has attracted a lot non - Sikh Sangat in our Gurdwara.

Many homeless people are brought in the Gurdwara van every Sunday so we can serve them the Langar. Many stay hungry for days. Some now come on their own earlier, take shower in the Gurdwara, are given a fresh set of clothes and sit is the Darbar Sahib and listen to the Keertan.

We have big bins in which the Sangat donates canned food which is sent to different food banks.

We are participating in the Interfaith Forums now as we did in the 9-11 Memorial Services.

These changes did not come overnight. It came with quite a bit of nudging and a lot more needs to be done but I think we are heading towards the right direction. Our Sangat consists of about 20% non- Sikhs now which includes Hindus, Christians and Jews because they enjoy the atmosphere of equality. Many of them come to the podium and talk about their lives and how being in the Gurdwara has changed them.
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=37052

Next week the nominated CNN hero from India, the one who was a chef in a 5 star hotel and gave everything up to feed the low caste, down trodden poor of India is coming to the Gurdwara for a fund raiser.

As you are very passionate about Sikhi, I would suggest you to ask the committee members that you would like to talk for about 15 mins every Sunday about your reflections on Sikhi. I am sure the Sangat will be interested in it and one never knows, you can help others turn their own leaves of lives by emulating you. And eventually, you will be able to explain the ladies why it is not appropriate to wear jeans to the Gurdwara.

Give it a shot.

Regards

Tejwant Singh

spnadmin ji: you are one blessed and brilliant soul. Who could have stated it any better! Thank you a million times and I 100% agree with you personally on this even though I may not have reached your level of benevolence towards others.

(two hugs reserved for spnadmin ji only)

Tejwant Singh ji: Brother in happiness and in anger, I applaud your creativity and positive work as described above. As you say slowness of change is the name of the game but it is always worthwhile. May you be ever more successful and be a role model for other communities and congregations.

Ishna ji: Your sincerity is of great note as you lay out your mind without care for exposure due to the inner goodness that is getting strorger. When we are called to question or possible action, at many times it is based on caring. I know, sometimes it may appear judgmental. Let me put down some feeble comments and possible actions that perhaps one female member of our family may have taken,

1. I was sitting in sangat, a young lady (18 y/o perhaps) went to matha tek. She was wearing jeans. I'm over the jeans issue now, people can wear what they like. But when she bowed, she showed the top of her, um, bottom. That irked me.
I am pretty certain that if my wife was nearby she would have taken a head covering and put it on this girl's behind without caring for consequences. Mentally I would have done that but it would not have been proper for me to do it physically may be I would have asked the not too shy brother Sinner to help if he was around.

2 and 3. People and children not covering their heads in darbar sahib (for the whole time or a few minutes thereof).
Tejwant Singh ji has given a great background on what people expect. I do believe one needs to tell children right things but we got to admit that at times our own minds wander depending on who is dishing out what at the stage.

I believe at the early childhood stage it is important to make Gurdwara a happy experience for little ones so they look forward to going to Gurdwara rather be dragged there. So anything that facilitates that is positive even at times tolerating little indiscretions of the little ones.
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=37052
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=37052

4. At langar, a family talking about cutting their daughter's hair, and not "forcing" her to keep it. No mention was made of any value of hair in Sikhi.
If you could have interjected politely perhaps you could have used some polite tactic. For example suggesting that they donate the cut hair to a Cancer charity where they make wigs for people going cancer treatment as people lose hair during some of these treatments. Outside of that I cannot add anything to spnadmin ji's brilliant perspective.

Sat Sri Akal.

PS: Tejwant Singh ji, Harry ji, Ishna ji get 1.5 Hugs, but I don't know how to do right smiley for that yet! Sinner ji is still stuck at 1 hug from me. By the way I am not judging this is just how I feel.

Veer Ji Don't worry about that aspect ,most of your replies are pretty silly anyway but mine are very profound!,

Ambarsaria ji

WoW! pyare jio