Husband Struggles with Kaam... How can I help him?

[kkaurr]

SSA,

My husband is speaking with a lady that we met at his friends’ kids gathering. I noticed her behavior towards the men, including my husband, and my guard was up (basically, I felt a weird energy from her, so I decided to keep my distance from her). In my eyes I know my husband is struggling with lust, my immediate response when I found out was to cry and not eat and stuff but it’s been a few days since this happened the gathering was this past weekend and he initiated contact with her on Monday but they actually started talking on Tuesday night. Ever since I have seen everything, I need to say that they are both lost in this world. IDK her situation but my husband claims to love me and I truly do believe he does. He knew I wasn't eating & just crying the first 3 days and he was forcing me to eat & take care of myself but I just couldn't. I want to work on our marriage and part of being married is helping one another be better Sikhs. I have spoke to him a few times about her since Monday and he denies everything (I haven't told him I have proof but I have it), is it okay for me to have a conversation with him about lust in person and then also message the lady that I am trying to help my husband be a better person? I don't want to attack her because I know I also need to control Krodh (anger) which is also a sin. I am choosing to stay compassionate and understanding because we're married & I love him. We've been together for 5 years (for context he just turned 30 & I will turn 29 this year). He is an amazing husband and has always gone above and beyond for his family...He was only 10 when he started working to help his family due to his dad passing when he was 4. Also I was born and raised in America & he was born and raised in India. In my mind he never had a real father figure to guide him in the right direction. I'm sorry if I'm rambling but I went to the Gurudwara in hopes of speaking to a Babaji to gain some insight but every time I go I get shy and come home. My husband says he loves me & never wants to lose me but I know the stuff he's doing behind my back... I want to help him through this I know it's lust. If you can please provide some guidance, I am not going to leave him because I know every marriage has it's own struggles and right now this is ours, and after this is overcome there will be something else, you know? I'm just really stressed about the situation, but the past couple days I have started praying more and relying on Vaheguru Ji to fix this, I just don't know if relying on Vaheguru Ji means not telling him I know he's struggling and telling the lady that I know... The lady is also older than us with 3 young kids and a nice husband, she posts videos on social media platforms like she’s single... I also want to mention that her target audience on these platforms is men... so the initial red flags I got from her were real. She was trying to be nice to me there, but I felt something off about her and kept my distance because I felt her aura. I also want to add that they aren't any shortcomings in our pair. Vaheguru Ji has blessed us with everything & hopefully more in the future. We both want kids but I've been hesitant because of this problem of his that we need to overcome. Is there any paath or specific bani I should do that can help our marriage? I aim to be ek jyot with him. I'd appreciate any & all insight you can offer & please be kind I'm genuinely unsure of how to go about this situation.

Thank you.

 

[Dr. D. P. Singh]

SSA ji,

What you describe is not simply a problem of “another woman” or even only a problem of lust. From a Sikh perspective, it is a spiritual and relational test involving all five thieves: kaam (lust), krodh (anger), moh (attachment), ahankaar (ego), and fear born from insecurity. The path forward in Sikhi is neither silent suffering nor explosive confrontation. It is truthful compassion guided by Gurmat (the Guru’s wisdom).

First, Sikh philosophy recognizes that human beings are imperfect and constantly struggling with the mind. Sri Guru Granth Sahib repeatedly teaches that the mind can become trapped by desires and worldly attractions. Lust (kaam) is described as one of the greatest obstacles to spiritual clarity because it clouds discernment and weakens commitment. However, Sikhi does not teach hatred toward the person struggling. Instead, it teaches awareness, accountability, humility, and transformation through Naam and truthful living.

Your response already reflects important Sikh virtues. You are trying to restrain anger, preserve dignity, and save the marriage rather than destroy it impulsively. This is significant. Guru Sahib does not encourage revenge, public humiliation, or reacting from a wounded ego. At the same time, Sikhi also does not teach passive denial of truth. Silence in the face of wrongdoing is not spiritual maturity. Sach (truth) is central to Sikh doctrine. Therefore, from a Sikh perspective, the healthiest path is:

1. Speak to your husband truthfully and calmly
You should have an honest conversation with him privately and directly. Not with accusations or threats, but with truth and firmness.

Do not approach him as a criminal to punish. Approach him as your life partner who is spiritually drifting. Explain: (i) that trust has been damaged, (ii) that you know communication is happening, (iii) that denial hurts more than the mistake itself, (iv) and that marriage in Sikhi is meant to be “two bodies, one light” (doe sareer ek jot).

Guru Ram Das Ji describes marriage as a spiritual union, walking together toward Waheguru Ji, rather than merely a social contract. A Sikh marriage is meant to elevate both souls.

You do not need to immediately reveal every piece of proof. The goal is not to “win a case.” The goal is to create truthful accountability. Sometimes, revealing all the evidence too early shifts the conversation toward defensiveness rather than reflection.

A calm statement such as: “I know there has been communication that crosses emotional boundaries. I am not here to shame you. I want us to heal truthfully and spiritually.” is more powerful than anger.

2. Do not carry the entire burden alone
One danger in your thinking is that you are trying to become his sole saviour. Compassion is beautiful, but Sikh doctrine also teaches personal responsibility.

His childhood pain, fatherlessness, or struggles may explain emotional wounds, but they do not excuse betrayal or dishonesty. Sikhi teaches that every person must conquer their own mind: “Man jeetai jag jeet.” (Conquer the mind, conquer the world).

You can support him, pray for him, and walk beside him — but he must choose honesty himself.

3. Be cautious about contacting the other woman
From a Sikh ethical perspective, messaging the woman should not be your first step unless necessary.

Why? - Because: (i) your marriage covenant is primarily between you and your husband, (ii) involving her too early may escalate drama, defensiveness, gossip, or humiliation, and (iii) your emotions are still raw.
Right now, your focus should remain on truthful dialogue within your marriage.

If boundaries continue to be crossed and your husband refuses to take accountability, then a respectful message may become appropriate, but only one rooted in dignity, not in anger or competition.

If you ever do message her, it should be brief, calm, and non-accusatory. Not: “Stay away from my husband.”
But rather: “I value my marriage and am trying to protect it with honesty and respect. I hope we can all maintain appropriate boundaries.”
Sikhi emphasizes self-respect (izzat) alongside compassion.

4. Do not destroy your own health
Not eating, crying continuously, and physically collapsing harm you spiritually and emotionally. Guru Sahib teaches care of the body because the body is the vessel through which remembrance of Vaheguru occurs.

Your pain is understandable, but starving yourself will not heal the marriage or purify the situation.
The Gurus did not teach self-destruction through grief. They taught sehaj — balanced inner steadiness even during suffering.

Try to: (i) eat simple nourishing food, (ii) sleep properly, (iii) avoid obsessively checking messages, (iv) continue Nitnem, (v) spend time in sangat, (vi) and speak to at least one spiritually mature Sikh woman or counsellor you trust.

5. Sikhi does not teach blind trust — it teaches truthful trust
Relying on Vaheguru does not mean remaining silent or pretending nothing is happening.

Many people misunderstand spirituality as passive endurance. Sikh doctrine rejects cowardice and denial. Guru Sahib teaches both compassion and courage.

Trusting Vaheguru means: (i) acting truthfully, (ii) remaining morally grounded, (iii) refusing revenge, and (iv) accepting that outcomes cannot be controlled completely.

You are allowed to set boundaries.
You are allowed to say: “This behaviour is hurting our marriage and must stop.”
That is not ego. That is truthful living.

6. Spiritual practices that may help
There is no “magic paath” that forces someone to stop lust. Gurbani is not superstition or spellwork. Its purpose is the transformation of consciousness.

However, certain banis may help cultivate peace, wisdom, and spiritual discipline within your home:
Suggested Banis: (I) Japji Sahib — for spiritual clarity and grounding. (ii) Sukhmani Sahib — for peace, healing, and calming anxiety. (iii) Anand Sahib — for restoring spiritual joy and balance. (iv) Rehras Sahib — especially powerful for weary minds and relationships after worldly struggles. (v) Listening to or reciting Shabads about conquering the five thieves (panj chor).

You may also pray: “Waheguru Ji, remove ego and illusion from both of us. Guide us toward truth and unity.”
Notice the prayer includes both of you. Sikh spirituality focuses on humility, not superiority.

7. About children
Your hesitation about having children right now is understandable. Sikh philosophy places deep importance on raising children in an atmosphere of truth, stability, and spiritual grounding.

It is wise to first strengthen honesty and trust in the marriage before bringing children into the situation. That is not punishment — it is responsibility.

8. Your intuition and “energy”
Be careful not to become consumed by judging the other woman’s “aura” or social media behaviour. Your discomfort may have been accurate, but Sikh teachings caution against obsessing over another person’s moral flaws.

The deeper issue is not her existence; it is the boundaries within your marriage.
Even if she behaves flirtatiously, your husband still has moral agency.

9. The Sikh ideal of marriage
In Sikhi, marriage is not about perfection. It is about two imperfect souls walking toward the truth together.

Your marriage is not automatically destroyed because temptation appeared. Many marriages survive deep struggles when honesty, repentance, humility, and spiritual discipline enter the relationship.

But healing requires: (i) truth, (ii) transparency, (iii) accountability, (iv) emotional safety, and (v) mutual spiritual effort.

Love without truth becomes attachment. Truth without compassion becomes cruelty. Sikhi asks for both together.

May Guru Nanak Dev Ji’s wisdom guide both of you toward sehaj, honesty, and spiritual maturity.

Best wishes,