Do I get married or no

[Jkaursandhu]

Sat Sri Akal Ji,

I’m about to start the legal court marriage process with my partner, and file for his immigration papers to move to the US (a big, legally binding and expensive process) and I’m struggling with whether this is the right decision for my future. We love each other, but our relationship has also been extremely painful, confusing, and emotionally exhausting.

There have been serious trust issues. He cheated on me in the past (a physical relationship) and lied to my face about it. There are also communication and cultural gaps. He is from India and I was born and raised in the U.S. I speak Punjabi, but he does not speak English and does not make a consistent effort to learn, which often leaves me feeling alone in the relationship. I communicate with all his family in Punjabi and make an effort to keep a relationship with them but a lot of my family only speak English or Hindi and he refuses to learn to even TRY and foster any relationship with them which hurts.

I’ve also had moments where I’ve felt emotionally unsafe and unsure where I stand. Promises have been made and broken more than once. Sometimes I feel valued and cared for, other times I feel dismissed, triggered, or like I’m constantly overthinking to protect my heart.
I’m not perfect either. I’ve become anxious and insecure in this relationship. I can’t tell if this relationship is bringing out unresolved wounds in me, or if the dynamic itself is unhealthy.

Marriage scares me because I know it’s not just about love. It’s about trust, respect, stability, character, and shared values. I’m worried about committing to a lifelong partnership when there are already cracks now. But walking away also feels painful and terrifying.

There are also family expectations on both sides. His family is in India and hoped for a daughter-in-law who would live in the pind with them and take care of them and the household, which is not me and not a life I want. My parents wanted a kind, respectful man who understands that marriage in America should be a partnership, not a woman sacrificing her life for her husband. He doesn’t fully agree with that.

Even though my family and friends don’t really like him (mainly because they’ve seen how deeply the cheating, deception, and lying affected me), they would still support me if I choose to go ahead.

I’m not looking for validation or sympathy. I’m looking for honesty from people who understand Sikhi and value family stability, emotional maturity, and character.
I was born into a Hindu family, but I’m ready to adopt Sikhi fully and raise my future family Sikh. That’s why I’m asking for a Sikh perspective specifically. Sometimes I feel like he uses Sikh stories to argue that a wife should never answer her husband, never question him, and that her blessings come only from serving him. That does not match what I understand of Sikhi, which teaches equality, honest living, Naam japna, kirat karni, vand chhakna, and seva.
He also discourages seva by saying, “You can do it if you want, but don’t ask me to do it.”

This week we are supposed to sign court marriage documents and then start immigration paperwork for him to move to the U.S. permanently. But days before this life-changing step, I still have deep doubts and fear.

He says he made mistakes, that he’s too old for that now, and that he won’t do it again. But it’s hard for me to believe him when I’ve already experienced repeated lying and betrayal. I love him, but I worry he does not love me, and more importantly respect me, in the same way.

If you were in my position, what would you seriously consider before moving forward with marriage?
What red flags should never be ignored?

What green flags actually matter long-term?

And if I decide to call it off, what is the most respectful and clear way to do that with my parents and with him?

Thank you to anyone who responds thoughtfully. Please keep me in chardi kala and in your ardaas.

 

[fellowsingh]

i dont know much, but i think the problem is that the love we reserve for vaheguru, you have given to another, and have fallen into deep hell of emotional attachment. when we are blind and see no route out of our predicament, we start to compromise with sin. i would cut ties with this hurtful person or slowly let the relationship die if possible WHILE reconnecting with what gurbani has to say, so you have the power to do so.
you dont NEED to get married, no one does, if it happens it happens. but everyone does NEED religion to feed their poor souls. please give this a concern and dont follow your dangerous route.

 

[gjsingh]

Forget about it. It won't work.

And if I decide to call it off, what is the most respectful and clear way to do that with my parents and with him?

With all due respect, you live in America, the land of totally unbridled individualism, for better or worse. Just say no and move on.

 

[jsk]

It's nuanced and complex. There is no simple answer.

If your understanding of the Sikh lifestyle is correct (and it appears that it is), then the only logical conclusion is that your partner is not practicing it as it was intended. Seva, for example, is a central component of Sikhi.

But, life is long, and people change.

Your intimate relationship should be a source of joy and love for you, a place where you feel fulfilled and cherished. If it is a source of stress, that is a signal that there are things that are not happening according to your values and expectations. Everyone certainly deserves to be respected and nurtured, and feel the loving acceptance by their partner of who they are. If you have a gut feel that something is off, then your intuition is probably right. You owe it to yourself to at least investigate and figure things out before proceeding with this major life decision.

Some thoughts regarding your specific questions:

"If you were in my position, what would you seriously consider before moving forward with marriage?"
Given when you have described so far, I would most likely want to slow down and take things one simple step at a time. There are a lot of issues to resolve, and the best time to do so is before tying the knot. It will seem like everyone around you is eager to just get it done and may be pressuring you, but this is your life and you are the one who will have to live with the consequences of this decision, so it's totally fine to call a time-out and pause things to give you some breathing room to sort out these issues.

"What red flags should never be ignored?"
Generally speaking, cheating, lying and gaslighting are red flags in any relationship. Talk is cheap, and empty promises mean nothing. If you really want to know a man's intentions, watch what he does, not what he says.

"What green flags actually matter long-term?"
I remember reading a book a long time ago where the author talked about how you can be confident about selecting the person you are going to marry. Out of all the things to consider and look for, etc. he mentioned that there were two traits in particular that were the most important for long-term happiness and longevity in marriage. Look for someone who genuinely exhibits these two traits: kindness and flexibility. If your potential partner possesses these two traits as part of their nature, you can have a real chance of a blissful wedded life.

"And if I decide to call it off, what is the most respectful and clear way to do that with my parents and with him?"
Have an honest and candid talk with your parents. Explain to them the doubts you are having. Let them know that you are just trying to get some clarity, and that you need some time and don't want to be rushed. The last thing parents want is to see their child miserable, especially in such an important life decision as marriage. Re-iterate to them that you are genuinely trying to make the right decision for everyone involved and that you just need some time to figure these things out, and that you need their support and their understanding. As for your partner, explain to him that there are some clear issues that need to be talked about before things can move forward. Things may be one way in the Pind in Punjab, but in the rest of the world, the culture and norms are different. Ultimately, he will have to reconcile with that if he wants any chance of living and thriving abroad, with you or frankly anyone.

Boundaries are important. He must be clear about what behavior is completely unacceptable, and what the real consequences will be for him if he ignores the boundaries. If he understands and respects that, then there is some chance for progress. If he refuses to listen, then you have a preview of what life will be like with him.

All the best. Wishing you happiness and fulfillment.

Guru Sahib Kirpa Karan.

 

[Dr. D. P. Singh]

Sat Sri Akal Ji,

I’m about to start the legal court marriage process with my partner, and file for his immigration papers to move to the US (a big, legally binding and expensive process) and I’m struggling with whether this is the right decision for my future. We love each other, but our relationship has also been extremely painful, confusing, and emotionally exhausting.

There have been serious trust issues. He cheated on me in the past (a physical relationship) and lied to my face about it. There are also communication and cultural gaps. He is from India and I was born and raised in the U.S. I speak Punjabi, but he does not speak English and does not make a consistent effort to learn, which often leaves me feeling alone in the relationship. I communicate with all his family in Punjabi and make an effort to keep a relationship with them but a lot of my family only speak English or Hindi and he refuses to learn to even TRY and foster any relationship with them which hurts.

I’ve also had moments where I’ve felt emotionally unsafe and unsure where I stand. Promises have been made and broken more than once. Sometimes I feel valued and cared for, other times I feel dismissed, triggered, or like I’m constantly overthinking to protect my heart.
I’m not perfect either. I’ve become anxious and insecure in this relationship. I can’t tell if this relationship is bringing out unresolved wounds in me, or if the dynamic itself is unhealthy.

Marriage scares me because I know it’s not just about love. It’s about trust, respect, stability, character, and shared values. I’m worried about committing to a lifelong partnership when there are already cracks now. But walking away also feels painful and terrifying.

There are also family expectations on both sides. His family is in India and hoped for a daughter-in-law who would live in the pind with them and take care of them and the household, which is not me and not a life I want. My parents wanted a kind, respectful man who understands that marriage in America should be a partnership, not a woman sacrificing her life for her husband. He doesn’t fully agree with that.

Even though my family and friends don’t really like him (mainly because they’ve seen how deeply the cheating, deception, and lying affected me), they would still support me if I choose to go ahead.

I’m not looking for validation or sympathy. I’m looking for honesty from people who understand Sikhi and value family stability, emotional maturity, and character.
I was born into a Hindu family, but I’m ready to adopt Sikhi fully and raise my future family Sikh. That’s why I’m asking for a Sikh perspective specifically. Sometimes I feel like he uses Sikh stories to argue that a wife should never answer her husband, never question him, and that her blessings come only from serving him. That does not match what I understand of Sikhi, which teaches equality, honest living, Naam japna, kirat karni, vand chhakna, and seva.
He also discourages seva by saying, “You can do it if you want, but don’t ask me to do it.”

This week we are supposed to sign court marriage documents and then start immigration paperwork for him to move to the U.S. permanently. But days before this life-changing step, I still have deep doubts and fear.

He says he made mistakes, that he’s too old for that now, and that he won’t do it again. But it’s hard for me to believe him when I’ve already experienced repeated lying and betrayal. I love him, but I worry he does not love me, and more importantly respect me, in the same way.

If you were in my position, what would you seriously consider before moving forward with marriage?
What red flags should never be ignored?

What green flags actually matter long-term?

And if I decide to call it off, what is the most respectful and clear way to do that with my parents and with him?

Thank you to anyone who responds thoughtfully. Please keep me in chardi kala and in your ardaas.

Sat Sri Akal Ji,
From a Sikh perspective, pause before any step that binds law, money, and spirit. Anand Karaj and Gurmat place marriage on truth (sat), equality, mutual seva, and steady character, not fear, pressure, or rescue. Love without trust is not love; repeated lying, infidelity, broken promises, and refusal to grow are red flags, especially when they appear before marriage. Cultural differences are workable only when both partners actively bridge them. A partner who will not learn your language, build relationships with your family, or share seva is showing priorities, not limitations.

Green flags that matter long-term are accountability without defensiveness, consistent honesty over time, willingness to change behaviour (not words), shared understanding of partnership, and respect for your autonomy and spiritual path. Equality in Sikhi means neither spouse dominates; both walk together toward Naam.

Before proceeding, consider delaying marriage and immigration until trust is rebuilt through actions. If you choose to step back, be clear: say you cannot marry without trust, equality, and safety. Thank families for support and honour chardi kala by choosing truth over fear.

Wishing you all the best! May Waheguru ji's blessings be with you!

 

[gjsingh]

It's nuanced and complex. There is no simple answer.

To the contrary, it seems quite straightforward to me.

* His family wants her to move back to his village, she wants to remain in USA.
* He displays clearly backward and ridiculous gender expectations.
* He refuses to learn English or Hindi.
* She feels emotionally unsafe.
* He cheated on her and then lied about it.
* He is apparently a manmukh.

The Universe is telling her to run away, as fast as possible!

 

[Scarlet Pimpernel]

Little sister,
Commitment can’t be concluded by committee ,
whatever you decide be prepared to
participate joyfully in the sorrows of this world . Aurobindo

 

[Warriorlight]

Sat Sri Akal Ji,

I’m about to start the legal court marriage process with my partner, and file for his immigration papers to move to the US (a big, legally binding and expensive process) and I’m struggling with whether this is the right decision for my future. We love each other, but our relationship has also been extremely painful, confusing, and emotionally exhausting.

There have been serious trust issues. He cheated on me in the past (a physical relationship) and lied to my face about it. There are also communication and cultural gaps. He is from India and I was born and raised in the U.S. I speak Punjabi, but he does not speak English and does not make a consistent effort to learn, which often leaves me feeling alone in the relationship. I communicate with all his family in Punjabi and make an effort to keep a relationship with them but a lot of my family only speak English or Hindi and he refuses to learn to even TRY and foster any relationship with them which hurts.

I’ve also had moments where I’ve felt emotionally unsafe and unsure where I stand. Promises have been made and broken more than once. Sometimes I feel valued and cared for, other times I feel dismissed, triggered, or like I’m constantly overthinking to protect my heart.
I’m not perfect either. I’ve become anxious and insecure in this relationship. I can’t tell if this relationship is bringing out unresolved wounds in me, or if the dynamic itself is unhealthy.

Marriage scares me because I know it’s not just about love. It’s about trust, respect, stability, character, and shared values. I’m worried about committing to a lifelong partnership when there are already cracks now. But walking away also feels painful and terrifying.

There are also family expectations on both sides. His family is in India and hoped for a daughter-in-law who would live in the pind with them and take care of them and the household, which is not me and not a life I want. My parents wanted a kind, respectful man who understands that marriage in America should be a partnership, not a woman sacrificing her life for her husband. He doesn’t fully agree with that.

Even though my family and friends don’t really like him (mainly because they’ve seen how deeply the cheating, deception, and lying affected me), they would still support me if I choose to go ahead.

I’m not looking for validation or sympathy. I’m looking for honesty from people who understand Sikhi and value family stability, emotional maturity, and character.
I was born into a Hindu family, but I’m ready to adopt Sikhi fully and raise my future family Sikh. That’s why I’m asking for a Sikh perspective specifically. Sometimes I feel like he uses Sikh stories to argue that a wife should never answer her husband, never question him, and that her blessings come only from serving him. That does not match what I understand of Sikhi, which teaches equality, honest living, Naam japna, kirat karni, vand chhakna, and seva.
He also discourages seva by saying, “You can do it if you want, but don’t ask me to do it.”

This week we are supposed to sign court marriage documents and then start immigration paperwork for him to move to the U.S. permanently. But days before this life-changing step, I still have deep doubts and fear.

He says he made mistakes, that he’s too old for that now, and that he won’t do it again. But it’s hard for me to believe him when I’ve already experienced repeated lying and betrayal. I love him, but I worry he does not love me, and more importantly respect me, in the same way.

If you were in my position, what would you seriously consider before moving forward with marriage?
What red flags should never be ignored?

What green flags actually matter long-term?

And if I decide to call it off, what is the most respectful and clear way to do that with my parents and with him?

Thank you to anyone who responds thoughtfully. Please keep me in chardi kala and in your ardaas.

He is super sexist, abusive, controlling, all which go against the Gurus teachings.

He is not Sikh, just clearly very insecure and needs to take that insecurity out on a woman. Why would you marry someone you're not sure loves you and doesn't respect you? It sounds like you have little love, respect or value for yourself. Kaurs/ Women who practice Truth- are Actual Warrior Princesses, Gods daughters. We are equal to men and all other humans, noone is Ever higher than us, we practice self respect. Do you really think God wants his daughter abused the way your prospective husband is controlling/ disrespecting/ abusing you?

A woman absolutely Should speak up/ question her Husband when needed and blessings come from serving God, not your partner. Women and men are Equal- noone is higher than anyone else, noone needs to be a doormat to the other, men can also cook, clean, take care of kids, women can also work, drive, be leaders. Service and respect go both ways and partnership should always be Equal period. Your guy is living in the middle ages, in a super backwards patriarchal culture which has Zero to do with the Gurus.

Fix your Crown, Woman up and stop allowing that disrespect. If it were me, that man would be Dumped from day 1 and I would be looking for a Real man. You have alot to learn about what a woman who practices Truth/ Puran Sat is. We are not doormats we are Princesses capable of leading armies of men into battle as Mai Bhago did- read her story. She was also chosen by Guru Gobind Singh Ji, the tenth King to be his bodyguard, over thousands of prospective men who im sure would have given anything to have that chance/ seva. And tough luck to the men who likely hated on her for it.

Where Truth needs to be spoken, we must stand up and speak it, including against Sexism and Abuse by men and also other women, this is the Sikh way and what our beloved Gurus teach. We put God and Gurus first Before our Husbands, God is forever, Husband is temporary karam. God has all the power, our husbands Do Not, they are subject to Gods Power under whom we are always all equal.

Marrying a sexist and abusive man is not conducive to Sikhi- we are taught by the Gurus to associate with Good Sangat- he is not good sangat. God bless you.

 

[Dalvinder Singh Grewal]

Where there is a lack of faith and a difference in culture, it is better to avoid such a marriage. Physical relationship once or twice should be taken as a bad happening.

 

[Soul seeker]

Sat Sri Akal Ji,

I’m about to start the legal court marriage process with my partner, and file for his immigration papers to move to the US (a big, legally binding and expensive process) and I’m struggling with whether this is the right decision for my future. We love each other, but our relationship has also been extremely painful, confusing, and emotionally exhausting.

There have been serious trust issues. He cheated on me in the past (a physical relationship) and lied to my face about it. There are also communication and cultural gaps. He is from India and I was born and raised in the U.S. I speak Punjabi, but he does not speak English and does not make a consistent effort to learn, which often leaves me feeling alone in the relationship. I communicate with all his family in Punjabi and make an effort to keep a relationship with them but a lot of my family only speak English or Hindi and he refuses to learn to even TRY and foster any relationship with them which hurts.

I’ve also had moments where I’ve felt emotionally unsafe and unsure where I stand. Promises have been made and broken more than once. Sometimes I feel valued and cared for, other times I feel dismissed, triggered, or like I’m constantly overthinking to protect my heart.
I’m not perfect either. I’ve become anxious and insecure in this relationship. I can’t tell if this relationship is bringing out unresolved wounds in me, or if the dynamic itself is unhealthy.

Marriage scares me because I know it’s not just about love. It’s about trust, respect, stability, character, and shared values. I’m worried about committing to a lifelong partnership when there are already cracks now. But walking away also feels painful and terrifying.

There are also family expectations on both sides. His family is in India and hoped for a daughter-in-law who would live in the pind with them and take care of them and the household, which is not me and not a life I want. My parents wanted a kind, respectful man who understands that marriage in America should be a partnership, not a woman sacrificing her life for her husband. He doesn’t fully agree with that.

Even though my family and friends don’t really like him (mainly because they’ve seen how deeply the cheating, deception, and lying affected me), they would still support me if I choose to go ahead.

I’m not looking for validation or sympathy. I’m looking for honesty from people who understand Sikhi and value family stability, emotional maturity, and character.
I was born into a Hindu family, but I’m ready to adopt Sikhi fully and raise my future family Sikh. That’s why I’m asking for a Sikh perspective specifically. Sometimes I feel like he uses Sikh stories to argue that a wife should never answer her husband, never question him, and that her blessings come only from serving him. That does not match what I understand of Sikhi, which teaches equality, honest living, Naam japna, kirat karni, vand chhakna, and seva.
He also discourages seva by saying, “You can do it if you want, but don’t ask me to do it.”

This week we are supposed to sign court marriage documents and then start immigration paperwork for him to move to the U.S. permanently. But days before this life-changing step, I still have deep doubts and fear.

He says he made mistakes, that he’s too old for that now, and that he won’t do it again. But it’s hard for me to believe him when I’ve already experienced repeated lying and betrayal. I love him, but I worry he does not love me, and more importantly respect me, in the same way.

If you were in my position, what would you seriously consider before moving forward with marriage?
What red flags should never be ignored?

What green flags actually matter long-term?

And if I decide to call it off, what is the most respectful and clear way to do that with my parents and with him?

Thank you to anyone who responds thoughtfully. Please keep me in chardi kala and in your ardaas.

Sister, with all due respect - save yourself and if you cannot already see the red flags and the very fact that you in doubt and questioning this already - this will be a grave error. No disrespect he sounds like a manipulating person and already dictating to you. Sikhism is not about being inferior, its about unite and equality, while I'm no professional on marriage but please don't do it - he has already cheated and this will be the same after!

 

[Soul seeker]

Sat Sri Akal Ji,

I’m about to start the legal court marriage process with my partner, and file for his immigration papers to move to the US (a big, legally binding and expensive process) and I’m struggling with whether this is the right decision for my future. We love each other, but our relationship has also been extremely painful, confusing, and emotionally exhausting.

There have been serious trust issues. He cheated on me in the past (a physical relationship) and lied to my face about it. There are also communication and cultural gaps. He is from India and I was born and raised in the U.S. I speak Punjabi, but he does not speak English and does not make a consistent effort to learn, which often leaves me feeling alone in the relationship. I communicate with all his family in Punjabi and make an effort to keep a relationship with them but a lot of my family only speak English or Hindi and he refuses to learn to even TRY and foster any relationship with them which hurts.

I’ve also had moments where I’ve felt emotionally unsafe and unsure where I stand. Promises have been made and broken more than once. Sometimes I feel valued and cared for, other times I feel dismissed, triggered, or like I’m constantly overthinking to protect my heart.
I’m not perfect either. I’ve become anxious and insecure in this relationship. I can’t tell if this relationship is bringing out unresolved wounds in me, or if the dynamic itself is unhealthy.

Marriage scares me because I know it’s not just about love. It’s about trust, respect, stability, character, and shared values. I’m worried about committing to a lifelong partnership when there are already cracks now. But walking away also feels painful and terrifying.

There are also family expectations on both sides. His family is in India and hoped for a daughter-in-law who would live in the pind with them and take care of them and the household, which is not me and not a life I want. My parents wanted a kind, respectful man who understands that marriage in America should be a partnership, not a woman sacrificing her life for her husband. He doesn’t fully agree with that.

Even though my family and friends don’t really like him (mainly because they’ve seen how deeply the cheating, deception, and lying affected me), they would still support me if I choose to go ahead.

I’m not looking for validation or sympathy. I’m looking for honesty from people who understand Sikhi and value family stability, emotional maturity, and character.
I was born into a Hindu family, but I’m ready to adopt Sikhi fully and raise my future family Sikh. That’s why I’m asking for a Sikh perspective specifically. Sometimes I feel like he uses Sikh stories to argue that a wife should never answer her husband, never question him, and that her blessings come only from serving him. That does not match what I understand of Sikhi, which teaches equality, honest living, Naam japna, kirat karni, vand chhakna, and seva.
He also discourages seva by saying, “You can do it if you want, but don’t ask me to do it.”

This week we are supposed to sign court marriage documents and then start immigration paperwork for him to move to the U.S. permanently. But days before this life-changing step, I still have deep doubts and fear.

He says he made mistakes, that he’s too old for that now, and that he won’t do it again. But it’s hard for me to believe him when I’ve already experienced repeated lying and betrayal. I love him, but I worry he does not love me, and more importantly respect me, in the same way.

If you were in my position, what would you seriously consider before moving forward with marriage?
What red flags should never be ignored?

What green flags actually matter long-term?

And if I decide to call it off, what is the most respectful and clear way to do that with my parents and with him?

Thank you to anyone who responds thoughtfully. Please keep me in chardi kala and in your ardaas.

also, if you decide to call it off; just say I realised my worth thanks to my Gurus! wake up the warrior inside us - this is in our blood. No rehat maryada teaches disrespect and unfaithfulness.

 

[P J Singh]

So many red flags....please do not get pressured into something what your instinct tells you is not right.