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You don't want to kill me Harry

Discussion in 'Blogs' started by Harry Haller, Oct 17, 2015.

  1. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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    Writer SPNer Contributor

    Jan 31, 2011
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    Saturday night I had an early night, first thing Sunday, I washed, put on a fresh t shirt, fresh shorts, matching socks, and headed for mum and dads, Sian gave me a big hug and suggested an evening watching tv with a big tub of ice cream when I got back. I caught sight of myself in the mirror, unshaven, hair uncut, I looked like I had been living rough for months.

    I rarely venture on the motorways these days, I used to be constantly on the road, looking, searching, for the next high, everything seems to have changed, everyone drives at 70mph, no one flashes the car in front, I stuck at 65mph, and eventually pulled up at my parents.

    It was a good day, I had prontha and indian scrambled egg for breakfast, and roti and chicken for lunch, and then we all watched some film, Patiala house, I think it was called,

    Soon I was heading home, the dogs needed a walk, but all I could think of was howling, I had spent a straight 8 hours being a good son, but I had also found a copy of steppenwolf, (Sian threw away my last copy and banned it from the house), I pulled up in a layby and read a few pages, instantly the madness vanished, the question of my sanity was moot, here, on these pages were the writings of a man whose feelings, mental state echoed mine completely, it felt comfortable knowing there were others like me, reading Hesse's painful tortured writings, but also knowing and sensing the humour and sarcasm, the man had clearly accepted who he was, and was determined to make lemonade.

    I pulled off, got home dragged everyone out for a quick walk, rushed home, and vanished into my howling room, afterwards, I slept till midnight, ordered a huge pizza, and sat downstairs and then finished the entire tub of ice cream alone, as Sian had fallen asleep.

    This morning I feel wolf, all wolf, and I am growing and getting stronger, the peace, the contentment, the love, the innocence, all gone, its a good day to be a wolf, so I will howl, I will raise my nose to the wind, I will fight, and I will win.

    I have faithfully and sincerely promised Sian that today is the last day, tonight, I will take the dreaded anti depressant, the one that kills me, that one that banishes me,

    I will eat well, tonight I dine in hell,
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