Its been a hard week, the funeral of my friends daughter was on Monday morning. The night before I realised that my stepson and I did not have the correct clothes, but between my wife and stepson, they managed to sort it all out. I dressed in a black suit, but with no black tie, I had to wear a mickey mouse tie, fortunately you could only see the ears, barely. At the crematorium, We stood at the back, my friend walked in, my heart bled for him, in his hands he carried the smallest coffin I have ever seen, he was sobbing his heart out, nearly bent double, while his wife supported him, eventually they sat down, the only noise being my friends wife, I will never forget the sound, like a wounded animal, from the stomach, a cry linked to the deepest pain imaginable., We celebrated the 6 weeks of life this little girl had, and then congregated outside. I happened to be the first person my friend saw as he came out, I held him, he looked at me 'damn harry, you scrub up well' he said and smiled a bit, I decided it was a good time to open my jacket, as mickey mouse came into full view, my friend roared with laughter, I held him again, squeezed his back, grown men were wiping away tears, but as is the way with funerals, you cannot cry forever, My friend went off to do the rounds, I am seeing him later tonight, on the excuse of updating his pc, but I know how people can avoid you when you are going through tragedy. I have finished my interpretation of the first 10 lines of japji Sahib, my dad read it and wrote to me to tell me he thought it was a good interpretation, that meant a lot to me, I have tried to speak to my brother about it, but he cannot bear to discuss religion. I am back on 14 hour days and cuddles again, that seemed to work well, I spent a few days deviating away from it, and although it was nice, strangely, I did not find I connected with my wife as much as I have been with just cuddles, strange, My friends daughter was called Rose. Although she only lived for 6 weeks, I would be lying if I said she has not had a profound effect on me, mainly through her mother and father, her parents love for her, and the quiet dignity they have showed in dealing with that has made me realise in some ways my own shortcomings, I am 42 now, yet still behave like a schoolboy, I wonder sometimes whether my wife would prefer me as a man, a real proper man, like my dad, or even my brother, all my cousins, they are all real men, they dress like men, talk like men, act like men, my friend did Rose proud, he is also a real man, but with my reputation, it will be hard to change overnight. When I had my bear costume, I remember, on the first day I wore it, standing outside shops I knew making obscene gestures, to my shock and surprise, every owner walked outside and calmly said 'hi harry, whats with the bear outfit', I suppose 20 years in a town is long enough to get a reputation, maybe I should move closer to my parents and start again, its a thought,.., Christmas is coming, snow is coming, there are no funds to buy the old Range Rover I had hoped to buy before the snow, this will be the first time it has snowed in years and I am on a bike, I suppose that is snow ego talking, I am going to concentrate on having a peaceful christmas, I am looking forward to it, it is going to be my first broke christmas, but there is enough for us and the animals provided we are careful with our money, so hey hum, hopefully it will snow again next year. I feel drained today, I am not sleeping well again, so I am sitting here yawning and trying not to do any work, but I suppose I should get up and get the computers done that need to be done tonight, tomorrow as a treat, I am taking my wife to see the three musketeers, and then Sunday we are going to see my mum and dad. On the way to their, there is a Gurdwara I intend to stop at with my wife, right back to work!