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Virginity, a must for a happy marriage?

Discussion in 'Hard Talk' started by rajneesh madhok, Jan 28, 2012.

  1. rajneesh madhok

    rajneesh madhok India
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    From time immemorial a woman's virginity has been her prized possession. Throughout history one will read about cultures across the world placing a high value on a a woman's virginity. But times are changing and for an increasing number of young men and women, sex is no longer the kind of taboo that it earlier used to be. And much to our older generation's charging, pre-marital sex is a definite reality of our times.

    In fact, these days, couples who are in a relationship have no qualms about getting sexually intimate with each other even though there may be no guarantee that the relationship will culminate into marriage. However, when it does come to the question of marriage, especially in the case of arranged marriages, a woman with a sexually active history still raises eyebrows and sets tongues wagging. What then is the big deal about virginity and how does this kind of a mentality hamper the lives of numerous women?

    According to Dr Mahindra Vatsa, gynaecologist and sex counsellor, this kind of mentality is largely because our traditional values are still strongly embedded in us. "One of the most common questions I get, till date, is 'How do I know that my bride or girlfriend is a virgin?' The only answer that I have to such questions is that there is no way to know," says Dr Watsa. According to him, it's just the man's and his family's inflated ego that results in such unrealistic demands. How then, does our traditional culture not hamper couples from engaging in pre-marital sex? "Once a couple is engaged, it's like a license for marriage so they feel they can do anything," he opines.

    "It's actually not such a big deal. However, I still get men who complain to me saying that the wife did not bleed on the first night and hence, they suspect that she's not a virgin. The truth is that the presence of the hymen which ruptures (resulting in the bleeding) is not a sure shot sign of virginity. Some women are born without it, there there are those for whom it is so elastic that it never ruptures while for some it is so fragile that a slightly intense activity may have ruptured it without them even realising it. It is just not possible to access whether a girl is a virgin or not by just examining her except if she's been through a pregnancy or if she admits to having sexual intercourse," says sexologist Dr Rajan Bhonsle.

    He goes on to add that in a relationship, if a couple is to make it work successfully, it is more important for the couple to worry about virtues like trust and honesty. "If a woman admits to a sexually active past, it shouldn't be held against her. The very fact that she's even admitting it, even though she could have very well hidden it, means that she is honest and that's all that should matter," he says.

    For some men, however, especially those raised in very orthodox families or old-fashioned joint families, it's the family members who tend to influence their decision. "In many of these families, something like falling in love or sex before marriage equates to the girl being bold. Their reasons, hence, for rejecting such girls is that post-marriage, too, the girl will continue with the same behaviour," Dr Bhonsle explains.

    Commenting on the issue, actress Sophie Choudry opines, "Most people in Mumbai and other metropolitan cities do not expect their partners to be virgins anymore because India has gone through a dramatic change in the past 10 years. India is no longer the closed society it was. The modern young Indian woman is working, independent and makes her own choices in life. It's a change the Indian man has had to adapt to. Nonetheless, we cannot ignore that there is tremendous pressure on girls from smaller cities and more conservative families and virginity does still play a major factor when it comes to their marriage."

    An intact hymen is not a sure sign of virginity.

    A woman's hymen can be ruptured by non-sexual activities like intense sports, dancing, sitting astride on two wheelers, etc.

    It is not necessary for a virgin to bleed the first time she has sex. In fact, is one goes by the statistics, only 42 per cent of women do so.

    With the current advances in medical technology, a plastic surgeon can quite easily reconstruct a layer of tissue to resemble the hymen (the procedure is called Hymenoplasty).

    Remember, virginity and chastity are not the only measures to base a happy marriage on, honesty and trust are far more important traits that both partners should possess.


    http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/...-for-a-happy-marriage/articleshow/7099060.cms

    Rajneesh Madhok
     
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  3. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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    This post only verifies the current state of Women in India, there are times when they are little more than possessions like a car or a washing machine, and what do you do when you get your brand new car, and there is some wear on the steering wheel, well, you take it back and kick up a fuss, this car was supposed to be new, not second hand,.

    Well surprise surprise, Women are more than mere baubles to be flashed around parties, (oh yes, she was brand new, we dont do second hand), no they are people, just like well, just like men, I would love to see a big fuss being made by a Singhni because her husband was not intact (I want a refund, he is second hand, I do not do second hand).
     
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  4. Gyani Jarnail Singh

    Gyani Jarnail Singh Malaysia
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    But in the case of a brand new car..most wont REMOVE/TEAR the Plastic Covers..ha ha...but in a supposedly "Happy" suhaag raat..all the pleasure is in tearing open the plastic cover..LOl...how STUPID can Men be....
     
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  5. Navdeep88

    Navdeep88 Canada
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    I think virginity is a personal responsibility... and from what I have seen, the sooner a girl loses it, automatically the more complicated her life becomes... issues like pregnancy, stds, emotional attachment before any real commitment is made... idk, best to tread carefully. and stay away till your ready to get married... or at least of that age.
     
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    #4 Navdeep88, Jan 29, 2012
    Last edited: Jan 29, 2012
  6. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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    Navdeepji,

    Much Kudos on valuing your virginity.Its funny but you don't think a lot about things when your young (well clearly you do, but I did not), but everything we do has an effect, and the most intimate of actions can have a huge effect, not only in the present, but way in the future.

    I have deep regrets about some of the things I did when I was younger, I was slime, no connection, wasted years..

    My first words on losing my own were 'err is that it', and I will never forget it, to that end, I am quite envious of anyone who makes that decision within the confines of love, marriage, intimacy, trust, within Creators consonance, rather than outside of it.

    However, we are all modern now! I guess it is up to the individual, but there should be more education than the reasons normally given for hanging on to your virginity, namely, chasteness, discipline, shame, guilt. There are better reasons, strength, self respect, pride, and a desire to celebrate something uniquely special with another that you trust,
     
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  7. Navdeep88

    Navdeep88 Canada
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    Harry Ji,

    Everyone has their unique experiences... the way I see it, you have yours and as a result of it, you have a LOT to teach others... especially those who may be thinking about treading some of the paths you had to go through. If it can serve to help others, is it really wasted years? idk. pls dont mind my rambling.

    And as for the decision, parents are a big part of it too... their trust and influence is a big thing in my life.
     
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    #6 Navdeep88, Jan 29, 2012
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2012
  8. Gyani Jarnail Singh

    Gyani Jarnail Singh Malaysia
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    I find this stress on "females virginity" distasteful....if it were equally applied to Males and females..then its equal...BUT not this way....its MCP behaviour....its so bad in Muslim countries...terribly horrible and cruel..and dikhawa...
     
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  9. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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    Navdeepji,

    As my customers can testify, I am pretty open about my life and how I feel, there are times when the two of us are in consonance, there are times when we are both in consonance with each other and the animals, and there are times when we are in consonance with ourselves, everything changes, for me the goal is to be in consonance with myself and everything around me, I find this lessens my mental agitation and makes me feel peaceful and content.

    Sian is much much better at it than me, I have to work at it, she seems naturally in consonance with the animals, her patients, and herself, if I am not, it is because I have a greater attraction to dancing with thieves, whereas her only vice is chocolate

    If my experiences can allow me to do seva, than you are right, they were not in vain :)
     
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  10. Kamala

    Kamala
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    Females hold more pride in their virginity than men, and often familes think of the girl being "used" and it is also making the girl look promiscuous. No offense, I am not being sexist, I am just saying what the average Indian public thinks.
     
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  11. HGNIS

    HGNIS
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    Brilliantly said. That article reads like nothing more than patriarchal propaganda. Women are human beings, with desires and and needs just like men. Men will forgive other men for not being virgins and say "boys being boys" but gasp in horror if they find out a girl they are with had a previous relationship. Step into the real world gentlemen, women are dating, women are looking for partners who treat them as equals and women do not want to be viewed as property or pristine objects to have. If a lady loses her virginity, she is no less of a lady, and she does not deserve to be chastised for it.
     
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  12. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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    Maybe instead of letting the ladies catch up with our reckless behaviour we should try and behave more like them!
     

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