Shit Happens In various world religions: Taoism: Shit Happens. If you can shit, it isn't shit. Shit happens, so flow with it. Hare Krishna: Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding, She-it happens, happens, happens, she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become one with the she-it). Please, this flower and buy our shit. Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit Happens", Confucious says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen PROPERLY" Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit. If shit happens, it really isn't really happening TO anyone. Shit will happen to you next time. Zen: What is the sound of shit happening? 7th-Day Adventism: Shit happens only on Saturdays. Hinduism: I've seen this shit before. This shit is not a religion, it is a way of life. This shit happening IS you. Protestantism: If shit happens, it happens to someone else. If shit happens, praise the Lord for it. Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough. Episcopalian: If shit happens, hold a procession. Lutheranism: Shit happens but as long as you are sorry, it's OK. Anglicanism: It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans. Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserved it. you were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit. Charismatic Catholicism: Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway. Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US? Why does shit always happen just before you close the deal? Reform Judaism: Got any laxatives? Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah. If shit happens, take a hostage. We don't take any shit. New Age: That's not shit, its feldspar. A firm shit does not happen to me. This isn't shit if you really believe that it's chocolate. I create my own shit. If shit happens, honor and share in it! We are all part of the same shit. For $300, we can help you get in touch with your own shit. Wicca: If shit happened once, it will happen twice more. The Goddess makes shit happen. Jehovah's Witnesses: No shit happens until Armageddon. There is only a limited amount of good shit. Knock, knock "Shit happens", Here we insist you take our shit. Shit happens door to door. Secularism: Shit evolves. Darwinism: Survival of the shittiest. Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray. Shit doesn't happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it. Our shit will take care of itself. Shit in your mind. Atheism: I don't believe this shit. It looks and tastes like shit, so I'm damned if I'm going to taste it. Shit is dead. No shit! Religion from an Atheist's point of view: I haven't smelt, seen, touched or tasted it, but it's shit. Agnosticism: It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm not sure whether it's shit or not. What is this shit!? how can we KNOW if shit happens? you can't prove any of this shit. Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit! Hey, this is good shit mon. Mormonism: if shit happens, shun it. Excrement happens (you can't say shit in Utah). Our shit is better than your shit. Shit happens again & again & again... Energizer Bunny: Shit happens and keeps going and going and going... Baptist: You are shitting and you'll be punished for it. We will wash the shit right off you. Southern Baptist: Shit will happen. Praise the Lord. Iraqi Bathist: Oh shit! Voodoo: shit doesn't just happen - somebody dumped it on you. Let's stick some pins in this shit! This shit's gonna get you. Televangelism: Your tax-deductible donation could stop shit from happening. Unitarianism: What is this shit? We affirm the right for shit to happen. Go ahead. Shit anywhere you want. It's not the shit that matters. It's the process. Orthodox: St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit. Greek Orthodox: Shit happens, usually in three's. EST: I am the cause that shit will not happen. You're responsible for all the shit that happens. Fundamentalism: There's no shit in the Bible. If shit happens, but don't publish it. Twelve Step: Shit happens one day at a time. Amish: Shit is good for the soil. This modern shit is worthless. Shintoism: You inherit the shit of your ancestors. Moonies: Only happy shit really happens. Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time. Bahaism: Why do you keep shitting on us? Mysticism: This is really weird shit. Paganism: Shit happens for a variety of reasons. Rajhneesh: Give us your shit and put on this orange suit. Rosicrucianism: What is this AMORC shit? Witchcraft: Mix this shit together and it will happen. Scientology: All this happens to be shit. If you leave us, bad shit will happen. Shamanism: Whoaa...Holy Shit! Sikh: Leave us alone. Dianetics: "Why does shit happen?" (p. 157) In various other ways Yuppie Shit: It's my shit! It's all mine! Isn't it beautiful!? An Employer: Shit happens and rolls down hill. An Employee: I've done my shit, can I take the day off? This shit's not part of my contract. Environmentalism: Shit is biodegradable. Heisenberg: Shit happened, we just don't know where. Quantum Shittydynamics: Shit happens only in well defined quantities. Einstein: Shit is relative. Reaction to your Moth-in-Law: Relatives are shit. Washington: I cannot tell a lie - shit happens. Lincoln: Four score and seven shits ago... Nixon: Shit didn't happen and I didn't know anything about it. Reagan: I do believe shit happened, I was just taking a nap. Bush: Read my lips: no more shit! Wouldn't be prudent at this juncture. This looks like foreign shit. Let Baker handle it. Quayle: Whye doe peopl treate mee lik shite? Clinton: I didn't inhale this shit. I tried it before and I didn't like it... Perot: I'm sorry if I dropped you guys in this shit. McCarthyism: Are you now or have you ever been with Martin Luther King: Black and white shit CAN coexist... Julius Caesar: I came, I saw, I shit. (Veni, Vidi, Shitty) John Paul Jones: I have not yet begun to shit. James Tiberious Kirk: ..to boldly shit where no one has shit before! Computer Science: There's a bug somewhere in that shittttttttttttttttttttttttttttt Macintosh: (Enough said) UNIX/C: Core dump... shit! IBM/DOS: It's shit but at least it's compatible. Communism: It's everybody's shit. Marxism: The rich shit exploits the poor shit, but deep down all shit is alike. Dictatorship of the shit. Capitalism: Shit happens and it will cost you! If your going to sell that shit, at least make a profit. Cannibalism: Don't eat that shit. Vegetarianism: If it happens to shit, don't eat it. Hedonism: there's nothing quite like a good shit. Stoicism: This shit's good for me. Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen, shit it. Shit happening is absent. Realism: I think I need to take a shit. Denialism: What shit? Purists: If shit is to happen, let ONLY shit happen. Procrastination: I'll take care of this shit...tomorrow. Avoidanceism: With all this happening, I think I'll go shit. Repressionism: I think I'll hold this shit in forever. Fatalist: Oh shit, it's going to happen! Surrealism: Fish! Moilanenism: Smells like shit of Finnish fish. Nihilism: Let's blow this shit up! Fetishism: I love it when shit happens. Masochism: Do shit to me! Sadism: I will shit on you! Freudianism: Shit is a phallic symbol. According to the Philosopher: Thales: Earth, Fire, Air and Shit. Epicurious: If shit happens, enjoy it. Socrates: What is shit? Why is shit? Aristotle: The essence of shittiness... Descartes: I think, so why am I in this shit? Shit, therefore I am. Lebnitz (As interpreted by Voltaire): The best of all possible shit in the world is made for shit. Thoreau: I wanted to live deliberately to suck the shit out of life. Sartre: Shit is meaningless! What is shit, anyway? In various professions: Mathematician: Shit happening is just a special case. Statistician: There is a 87.3% chance that shit will happen... Maybe. Physicist (Theoretical): Shit SHOULD happen. Physicist (Experimental): To within experimental error, shit DID happen. Engineer: I hope this shit holds together. Chemist: I hope this shit doesn't blow up. Gee, what'll happen if I mix this and ... SHIT!!! Biologist: Is this shit alive? Economist: I hope nobody figures out that I really don't understand this shit. Bureaucrat: I'm sorry, but we can't do this shit until you fill form XJ- 314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant Sub- Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN-271828... CEO: (1980's) I've got all the shit I want. (1990's) Oooh SHIT! Lawyer: For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit. Doctor: Take two shits and call me in the morning. yes, it is definately a case of shit. $99.95, please... Shit, where's this organ supposed to go? Psychologist: Shit is in your mind. Everything that happens is shit, some of it is just repressing its subconscious shittiness.