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Rolling the addiction ball

Discussion in 'Blogs' started by Harry Haller, Oct 17, 2015.

  1. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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    Up until 13 I was a happy normal boy, I was a scout, I went to school, everything was normal, ah theres that word again, normal, yes, everything was nice and normal, then, on the 16th November 1982, at precisely 7.30pm, whilst 'its my party' was playing on Top of the Pops, I discovered puberty, and thus began the journey into addictions, the cycle of shame, pleasure and guilt that has dominated every addiction since.

    So I rolled that ball, but it was not enough, soon, I had discovered porn, but in those days, it was something you found under a bush, not on a computer, or your mothers Kays Catalogue, but that still was not enough, so the ball got bigger, I started gambling, on fruit machines, and this got me through to 16, at which point I discovered booze, and the ball got bigger, at 18, I discovered Casinos, and a whole new world opened, followed by women at 19, cars and money followed, and so, an exciting evening was generally made up of as many things as I could cram in, chasing the dragon, mixing and matching, this sustained me till 24, when being told I had the liver of an 80 year old, and having being bailed out by my parents numerous times, I eventually went bankrupt at 27 for a sum not far short of £1m.

    For two years I drank non stop as I worked every day for my then best friend, and then having been released by my friend from all obligations, drugs became the easiest thing to lose myself with, this replaced women, drink, gambling, ego, pride, so although I was falling deeper into the pit, the ball got smaller, more managable, at 36 I met my now wife, and even they vanished.

    2 Years ago, due to bereavement and her own anti depressants, my wifes libido vanished, and not wanting to start rolling a ball again, I joined this forum as an atheist and became a Sikh. I started to live in two worlds, the real world, and the world of howling, I developed multiple personalities, I enriched my life with farce, I lived the ridiculous, my reputation as a madman increased when I spent 3 months wearing a bear suit every day, after this I took to having a permanent glove puppet, which I insisted people talk to, so that it could then whisper in my ear.

    Today, the ball has gone, the howling has stopped, but every now and then the madness returns, every now and then I get that feeling in my stomach, and I want to howl, but I do not, and that is where I am.

    there is nothing left to be addicted to, nothing left to replace anything with, all my previous addictions bore me to tears, however, what did replace them all was a physical relationship with my wife(my first words to her were, I have been looking for you all my life in porn movies), which although is still present, is muted by circumstances.

    I have two choices, well three, do nothing, go onto the anti depressants-which I will say worked brilliantly, as I took pleasure in every aspect of being with my wife, not just the physical being dominant, or develop my spiritual side and use that to achieve the same.

    hope that explains Ishna Sis
     
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  3. Ishna

    Ishna
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    Brother, you've had a rollercoaster of a life, and I'm sure if I say 'yes, I understand now' you'd see straight through that lie - how could a pampered little girl understand even an iota of what you've lived and the difficult place you find yourself in now. All I can say is, thank you for taking the time to explain (not that you were required to do so), and that I'm impressed that after all you've been through you're still able to look at yourself now, recognise what needs to be improved, and look for solutions. You could easily just abandon yourself in your howling world at the expense of your wife and your honour but there is that higher part of you that knows better. That's precious.

    Hang in there Harry, you can get through this.
     
  4. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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    to be honest, I have only lived through the consequences of my own actions, it is me that is pampered, the real heros are those that for no fault of their own find themselves against huge odds, maiji, adminji come to mind, those are the real heros, the disabled, the truly mentally ill, you are reaping the rewards of your life, and I am truly proud of you sis, [​IMG]
     

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