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Relationship Advice: My Boyfriend's Family Makes Me Feel Inadequate

Discussion in 'Love & Marriage' started by Star Girl, Feb 15, 2011.

  1. Star Girl

    Star Girl
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    Hello,

    This is the first time I have registered to a forum and have signed up to this forum for advice because I think someone maybe able to give me the advice I need.
    I have been with my boyfriend for a year now. He is a doctor, I am a graduate but I am finding it difficult to find a job with the current economy so at the moment have an office based job and am searching for a better positions. We are both in our twenties. And ideally if it was in our hands we would get married within the next 2 years.
    My family know we are together, and love him like he is one of us, my mum shows him unconditional love and couldn’t be happier for me. She is secretly hoping I get married in the near future however never puts any pressure on me.

    I am very much in love with him, he decided to tell his parents after we had been together for a fair while, they were not pleased that he went behind their back and said he should have approached them sooner about meeting a girl, I did ask him to approach them sooner at the time but he never went ahead with it.

    His family seem very unhappy with me and him being together and seem to be doing anything in their reach to break us up. He has moved out of my town where we met and gone back to live at home as his parents wish. They always make me feel inadequate and say things like a doctor should be with a doctor or someone in the same “salary band” I just can’t understand this concept as I know my mum would be happy with me being with anyone no matter their profession as long as im happy. His parents have said with my salary I wouldn’t provide him a happy future and when it comes to having children I won’t financially contribute. It seems they have their wires crossed with happiness and money, and it isn’t asif I am not ambitious or uneducated. His mother also asks him if he is open to dating other girls – this is what has most upset me because she must really dislike me to say a thing like this. His family have stopped talking to him and he feels uncomfortable in his own house. Most recently he has told them he is spending time with me for the day and then call him once he travels the few hours and demand he comes home.

    I don’t know what to do because I feel as if I cant consider leaving him because I am so in love nut cant handle the fact that his family is failing down to me. I consider family as my everything, and I would hate to break a family apart. He hasn’t asked if they would meet me because he is sacared of the response!

    Please help any comments welcome xx
     
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  3. Ambarsaria

    Ambarsaria Canada
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    Star Girl welcome to SPN. Great uplifting handle.

    If you are both Sikhs it would appear that there will be one less hurdle.

    In terms of "Boy's" parents (I will explain later on why I call him "Boy"),


    • They always make me feel inadequate and say things like a doctor should be with a doctor or someone in the same “salary band” I just can’t understand this concept as I know my mum would be happy with me being with anyone no matter their profession as long as im happy. His parents have said with my salary I wouldn’t provide him a happy future and when it comes to having children I won’t financially contribute.
      • "Salary Band" is very blind way to look at Humans. It shows ego and vanity. There is no need for you to speak to it yourself.
    - For you to speak to it will be insulting for you and his parents, so you need to stay mum.
    - It is your Boyfriend's job to address this!
    - "Manner's Band and Human Values Bands" are lot more important.

    • "..having children I won’t financially contribute". Wow that is one silly comment that I never heard before. So they see no value to the life you bring in to this world! Life is priceless. Ask someone who lost a child.
    - For you to speak to it will be insulting for you and his parents, so you need to stay mum.
    - It is your Boyfriend's job to address this!

    The crux of the matter,

    • If your boyfriend is not going to take a stand and grow up from "a Boy" to "a Man", all bets are off,
      • He may not love you as much as you think!
        • That can happen when one is more enamored than the other party.
      • He needs to address this upfront and with respect himself.
        • You state he is a Doctor (I assume medical), that is very puzzling unless he is a mama or papa's boy. If so he always will be mama or papa's boy.
          • He should discuss this with his parents that if they are not willing to allow him to make some fundamental decisions and respect these that it could lead to everyone's unhappiness.
    On more positive note, there are lot of Happy couples with unhappy in-laws and vice versa.

    I wish you happiness and "let it be" a little bit and don't pay attention to everything said. Some things are said to provoke reaction and the best approach is to "not give any reaction". Silence can be golden, however I fully understand it can be tough at times.


    All the best and "Don't sweat the small stuff".

    Sat Sri Akal.
     
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  4. Randip Singh

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    This isn't a mask for any other issues such as maybe difference in religion, caste, sects or something like that?
     
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  5. Gyani Jarnail Singh

    Gyani Jarnail Singh Malaysia
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    One way to "test" your mum would be for you to bring home ....someone much "below" your salary band..and see whether her reaction is the same....a typical mother will always have very high regard for her own..thats why we have differences between..daughters and daughters-in-law !! Another womans daughter is..always inferior to oens own...
    Same goes for HIS mother..to her he is the greatest. period. no girl is ever going to be too good for him..even if shes the Surgeon General of the USA and hes just a freshie med.
    These are harsh realities...we have to face..stand and fight. Any inadequacies are strictly in our own minds...
     
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  6. spnadmin

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    Gyani iji

    Why do women do that?
     
  7. Star Girl

    Star Girl
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    Randip Singh,

    Thank you very much for your response. You have a great way with words and your words have helped me. You are right maybe I just need to let it be for a while and see how things pan out. Silence is golden but I find keeping quiet difficult when I have such strong views on the matter. I hope he can fight for me because I truly love him and would do anything for him, and in answer to your question he is a doctor in the medical profession.

    Yes and I shouldn’t sweat the small stuff because in the scheme of things if we do have a future none of this will matter.

    Gyani Jarnail Singh

    Thank you

    And yes these are harsh realities. I strongly believe my mum would want the best for me but wouldn’t hinder my happiness based on my future partner’s earnings, the thought would not cross her mind.


    Thank you all, I am still finding things hard to come to terms with and it’s all a bit of a shock to the system I did not expect this.x
     
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  8. a.mother

    a.mother Canada
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    Hello star girl ji, I will suggest you may be something different then others but with experience and practical, it would be the same advice if you were my friend, sister or my own daughter, it is hard but realty and truth. JUST FORGET HIM AND DO NOT MARRY HIM. It doesn't matter if you love him or he loves you. Now you 'll cry for one day may be for month,then you can start your life again. I just want to tell you if mirror get even tiny crack it'll never possible to repair it again. If you know the family has this kind of response now, 99.01% will not change. May be some lucky one get different treat later on. and always remember we cann't get everything which we want. when family doesn't like you IT'S A BURNING AND LIVE HELL ON THE EARTH. Other hand I don't care about money and piece of paper and stuff these are just excuses.(personally I think from same back ground and same jobs are more friendly home but this is not grantee, sometimes different job people are very good friends or soul mates) I personally know two unique relatives from two opposite parties but they never ever argue for a one bit thing but these are not for everybody and in your case its a marriage mean two families together where respect and love part will be MISSING for forever. So be very careful think your own, picture it everything before if you want to marry him,you 'll find the solution yourself. Some times that HIM is in tough situation and if there is a win or lose battle situation better to withdraw, bloodshed is not always good. From three angles one should silently move away. Because in my mind marriage is to joint the family not to break the family.) Otherside I think no daughter wants humiliation for herself and no one want to if her parents got that humiliation when ever both families get together. Decision is yours. ( Oh by the way mine was arranged )
     
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  9. spnadmin

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    a.motherji

    This is the part that has bothered me since the start of the thread. Is this marriage going to be an "uphill" battle for self-respect? And is it worth it?

    What you say...very important

    The problem is not only about love marriages in Sikhi. I see this all around me with the daughters and sons of my friends. The hurt goes on for years.
     
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  10. a.mother

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    spnadmin ji, What is your concern is my concern,and for me I clearly thinks that marriage is not worth it. Now anyone cry for month two month year or few but not for life. Marriage is about to join the family make the family not BREAK THE FAMILY if first step is not right you 'll not reach the goal (happy family). If they don't have place for you in their hearts now what you expect later.(may be some one luckiest on the earth but not many.This is the realty we all see in our surroundings everyday. In my mind marriage is not only for two souls about two families, if for these kind of reason they both cann't sit together that is HELL and anyone would regret for forever.Sorry star girl ji my words are may be harsh for you but as I told you are for me like my friend ,sister or my daughter.
    And one other thing if in-case this kind of marriage takes place then guilt for girl like she have break the mom-son relation or all family from son will haunt for forever to her, and imagine how that will keep you in peace? its opposite.
     
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  11. Ambarsaria

    Ambarsaria Canada
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    a.mother ji and others, I do believe we need to recognize that most happy marriages are a result of the level of maturity, mutual respect and love between husband and wife. Of course happy families on both sides are icing on the cake of marriage bliss.

    At a practical level as people say,

    lol LAUGH, AND THE WORLD LAUGHS WITH YOUlollollol......



    :acry2:WEEP, AND YOU WEEP ALONE.

    I have seen happiness multiply where man and woman show happiness and many families learn to be happy again. Bit of a gamble.

    The other part is with couples living more and more on their own, one of my neighbors said a very striking thing to me,

    "In this word we usually are as family members so mobile and many times so far apart from other family siblings, that it helps a great deal if functionally you consider your neighborhood a family as you definitely spend more time there."

    Sat Sri Akal.
     
  12. Gyani Jarnail Singh

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  13. Gyani Jarnail Singh

    Gyani Jarnail Singh Malaysia
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    IN a Punjab Rural community you not only marry a husband/wife..you marry aFamily and you marry a street neighbourhood..and you marry a Village community....no "marriage" is an island !!
     
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  14. Star Girl

    Star Girl
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    Randip Singh – We are Both of same religion and caste. Sikh Jatt
     
  15. Star Girl

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    Randip Singh – We are Both of same religion and caste. Sikh Jatt

    Ambarsaria – Thank you for your response it gives me strength. To be honest I am very confused. I think I needed these different views and opinions to allow me to think of all the different aspects.

    a.mother I appreciate your views and would not put this pressure on my daughter or son, it just seems his family are not happy with the idea of me but I love him dearly and just want to opportunity to meet them to see if they change their views, I just don’t want to give up and forget him with out a fight, but am I fighting a losing battle. My views are not to give up on love with out a battle because I maybe throwing away what could be an amazing future.

    Thank you all again x
     
  16. a.mother

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    Gyani ji, I think this is true meaning of marriage to care about everybody family,friends and community, but todays world people don't have that much patient. We can see daily selfish people. If we can't sit together i call that HELL not marriage. After all this still there are very some people who fulfill their duties toward husband's family.
     
  17. a.mother

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    star girl ji , It is nice to hear from you about same caste and religion(one less hurdle). And as you said it just seems his family are not happy with the idea of me . That is really i cannot swallow. Is that hurting your self respect? When they know you are with him and they are asking him to look for girls is that not hurting you? Choice is yours.
    And ambarsaria ji, you are right when you laugh world laughs with you ( it doesn't matter if you are a good person ,gunda or mavaali) but when you weep you are all alone.( it doesn't matter if you are honest daani or well wisher for everyone)
     
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