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Parents don't want me to take Amrit... Until married..

Discussion in 'Sikh Youth' started by Driops, Feb 1, 2012.

  1. Driops

    Driops
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    WJKK WJKF,

    Sangat ji, in past time i feel very bad... My parents don´t allow me to take amrit, until they found a girl for me and get me married... They told me , if i take amrit they will give me the sack..... I am really struggling.. I live in Hungary, there arent many Sikhs... And if there are any, they are Monas... but I dont want to live like a Mona.... Anyway my parents arent really religious - They are in these typically "Jatt/Punjabi- Virasats".... They said i have no Option, I can decide if i am married... And I think they will, marry me to a girl who wants a clean shaven or whatever... She wouldnt want me talking amrit, as well.. If i take amrit before marriage, they wouldnt be able to find any women for me, since my brother is already married, I would bring disgrace over my family... I think I am the only Sadar in my state...Anyway.. I respect my parents, like i respect every other human on this planet- but I don´t know what to do... I am really in tune with Sikhi, with waheguru, and i feel very blessed - I really want to become amritdhari - to be blessed with his kirpa my lifelong, I want to live a truthfull, dedicated live to god.. I don´t care if i will get married or not, find a women or not - I just want to be free, in everything i do... I already talked to my parents, about Sikhi - told them that its wrong, what they are doing , that there are more important things etc... But they dont listen to me and respond that they will bounce me out of the house... so please help me! I dont want to loose my family, and i dont want to live without gurus grace.. I am full aged- if they wish they can bounce me out due to europeans law... but i dont want, that they feel bad...I only want to live a life, in chardi kala.... with gurus kirpa..
     
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  3. Kanwaljit Singh

    Kanwaljit Singh India
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    Re: Parents don´t want me to take Amrit... Until married..

    Hmm that is a good question.. will your wife support your desire for Amrit after you are married? You can surely ask her before marriage. And if she says no, believe her. Don't think you can change her after marriage, no one changes.

    Before Amrit you can start keeping your Kesh and trying turban (I am unsure from your post if you do) and do Baanis of Nitnem. Prepare yourself while you convince your parents.

    And you might keep the option of moving out open. Some times when we have to make our own choices in life, we have to be on our own feet.

    I am going to get married in a year or two. Though I have taken Amrit, my parents don't like me wearing dumalla daily and cholas on weekends. I am not even allowed to look for a bride who wears keski. I get plagued by questions now and then. Then I look at the sky, the Universe beyond, hidden by clouds. And I submit myself to the Universe, to Waheguru. I let things go the way they are, and say to myself 'This is not my worry anymore'

    My only worry is Naam Japna, Paath Karna, Bhalle kam karna. Rest are distractions.
     
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  4. BhagatSingh

    BhagatSingh Canada
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    Re: Parents don´t want me to take Amrit... Until married..

    Well there is the official ceremony and there is the discipline itself. Are you forbidden from waking up early, wearing the uniform, cultivating a virtuous character, as Kanwaljit Singh ji says "Naam Japna, Paath Karna, Bhalle kam karna" etc?
    My view is that you should be in discipline beforehand and should already be an Amritdhari for a significant amount of time before you go through with the ceremony. The ceremony is very sacred and quitting the discipline after you go through the ceremony is very disrespectful. So maintain the discipline now and you can go through the ceremony according to your parents' wishes.
     
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  5. Driops

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    Thank you both for your responses. I already am growing kesh and tying turban, and do path by gurus grace, thats why i got in tune with Sikhi. My deliberations are same like yours Kanwaljit ji.. I think if i marry a women(neglectless), she would(nt) change (hardly) ... My opinion is that I don´t need anyone, exept waheguru... We were born alone and we die alone... I tried to convince, but no chance.. Yes, Oneday i want to have some childs.. but there are many other ways , like Orphans I can help... Sometimes I think, they dont really understand me...I mean how they cant understand me? I want to leave everything behind me and go my own way, but I dont want to disrespect and disappoint my parents. I am in a predicament... thats why I asked others opinoin, my friends don´t really understand my problem, because they never had one like this.. I think, I don´t have this parents - son relationship.
     
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    #4 Driops, Feb 1, 2012
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2012
  6. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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    This is not a huge problem Veerji, there is space here to respect your parents, your Guru and yourself. Agree with your parents, put off taking Amrit til you are married but insist that the girl be aware that Amritdhari is a path you wish to take.

    As Bhagat Singhji says, follow the code, behave as if you were Amritdhari, get into the mindset of an Amritdhari Sikh, and just make sure that your future bride is aware of your intentions.

    There is much space for compromise here, take advantage of it
     
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  7. Kanwaljit Singh

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    I think before you take Amrit or get married, one has to work big time on PATIENCE and ACCEPTANCE. These are 2 big things you need when you have a spouse to work things out.

    I think all relationships (specially if they make you selfless) help you in realizing Waheguru. Suppose if you get away from your parents and break all contact... and you hear this Shabad in Gurudwara:

    ਹਰਿ ਜੀ ਮਾਤਾ ਹਰਿ ਜੀ ਪਿਤਾ ਹਰਿ ਜੀਉ ਪ੍ਰਤਿਪਾਲਕ ॥
    The Dear Lord is my mother, the Dear Lord is my father; the Dear Lord cherishes and nurtures me.

    How will you realize the importance of this Shabad if you have had no contact with your parents.

    ..

    That is a good idea and I also think around it. You can do the same after you are married. And you can take care of many orphans too!

    The problem here is reaching a stage of detachment, which your parents are still on the way to. So you can't ask them to enjoy the scenery at a place where they have not reached. But you can ask them to let you enjoy where you are. You have to bring their understanding of YOU up to where you are now. I have made the same mistake and there is a gap between what I was and what I am which my parents have hard time connecting.

    Parents are something you can never leave behind, you are their blood. And tell them they will be more disappointed later... if you cannot achieve what you deem to be the most important thing in your life! No parents find happiness in their child's failure.

    So it is time not to feel low, dejected or lost. But to stand up for what you believe in. And make your parents stand up with you where they belong. And this is just one of the many tests on the way to Khalsa, remember you will never fall into a problem which you cannot handle. All the best.
     
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  8. Driops

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    Thats true... But isn´t it the experience, that make someone learn... Everyone hs to make mistakes, so we go on learning from it. It is like a baby, trying to learn how to stand.. The baby only can learn when it falls. I don´t want my parents to left, thats why I am asking, but I want to make experience outside there. Travelling etc.. I want to see the whole world, I mean i am still not ready to marry. If you marry you need to take a huge responibility for your bride (and for your child.) I can take this responsibility but I am still not ready... Wasn´t it Guru Nanak Dev ji who left for travels(Udassiss)? I mean they are forcing me, and thats not what i want, but i want to respect their wished as well.

    AMqunkrxYdyixnAMq

    His gifts are unlimited and i want to see , as much as I can.
     
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  9. Harry Haller

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    Driopsji,

    My heart goes out to you, we are similar in some ways surprisingly, except when I was your age, it was the other way round, my parents wanted me to be Sikh, I did not.

    Now you have explained a bit more, it is not as simple as it first sounded.At a very young age you have become aware of what life is all about, but my perception is you may have embraced the spiritual aspects of Sikhi but forgotten one very important aspect of Sikhi, namely that we are also householders, sons, daughters, fathers, mothers, employers, employees, that we must embrace Sikhi whilst also living a full and purposeful life.

    It serves no purpose forcing you into marriage, however, if you made it clear that you would hold off taking Amrit until after marriage, provided your bride was aware of this, you could well end up with a life partner to debate philosophies with, to study Bani together, to go on pilgrimages together, to share each others love with Waheguru, you could both have such a love that is out of this world if you both were embracing Sikhi. Take it from me, although you may be content just to have the company of Waheguru, this is not how it is meant to be, if it were, then there would be more Sikhs sitting on mountain tops on animal hides, but there are not.

    Be patient little brother, you have a gem of a mindset, but do not push what will come to you anyway, be patient, indulge your parents, but on your terms, compromise, but set your heart on making sure this life partner has the potential to be Gursikh, you will know when you meet her, until you find her, a firm but polite 'no, she is not the one' will suffice.

    I hope you do not go on travels alone, I hope you find someone that makes your heart sing and challenges your intellect, that can debate Bani, discuss it till the early hours, have that wow moment together, when everything makes sense, it does happen, be patient.

    One more thing, people fear change, have some sympathy for your parents, they probably have no idea what is going on with you, and are probably fearful that you will start dictating to them what Sikhi is, keep it to yourself, be humble, be respectful, you will learn lots through Bani, but it is best to keep it to yourself, unless you find yourself in like minded company, When I am with some family members, I play the complete fool, and pretend I know nothing, sometimes its best that way, some people have clearly defined views of Sikhi that belong more in a Church or a Mandir, when Creator defines the time is right for them to grow, he will take care of it, it is not ours to judge another, nor tell them where they are going wrong.

    Humility, Patience, Understanding, Empathy, these are all very Sikh like qualities that you need to embrace at this moment, if it helps, if you find it easier to be in these states for Creator and Creator alone, then do it for the essence of Creator that is in your parents,

    hope that makes sense brother

    Love, Harry
    P.S. I may write as if it all comes easy to me, it does not, I struggle at times like all of us, but we must take comfort that at least we know the path, however hard it is to walk it
     
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  10. Inderjeet Kaur

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    Accepting Amrit is the most decisive, biggest commitment you can make on this earth. It is a deeper commitment even than marriage. By accepting Amrit, you are giving your head to your Guru. Obviously, this is not something to do lightly. And although you can lose Amrit through violating any of the 4 taboos, Guru ji may not be willing to give you your head back.

    I usually advise Sikhs contemplating Amrit to do what has been suggested here. Live as if you were a Khalsa for a period of time, I would say maybe six months to a year. Convince yourself if this is really the path you wish to live your life on.

    Once you have done that, please come back and we can take it from there.

    BTW, I avoid using the term "clean shaven." There is nothing clean about a Sikh shaving. Just shaved is sufficient.
     
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  11. BaljinderS

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    I agree with most of what is being said here, very sensible advice.
    I consider the most important thing to be REHAT... I do not mean just to talk about... LIVE IT! Amritvela is very important, only warriors get up in the morning and do Nitnem. Even the non Sikhs will be attracted to you my friend if you become a true Sikh. Look at the history, even the enemies praised the Sikhs for their bravery,courage and truthful living.

    The world is crying for Sikhi.Your character will speak for it self!!!

    Practice the truth in your daily life. This will slowly build your core character and make you stronger.
    ---------------
    Rehat Pyari Mujh Ko Sikh Pyara Nahi
    Rehni Rahe Soi Sikh Mera, O Thakur Me Uska Chera
    Rehat Bina Nahi Sikh Akhawe Rehat Bina Dar Chotan Khawe
    Rehat Bina Sukh Kabhoon Naa Lahe, Taan Te Rehat Su Drid Kar Rahe

    The Khalsa was created by Guru Gobind Singh under God’s divine will (The Hukum of Shri Akal Purakh). If the Khalsa didn't follow these divine laws and keep Himself in check (as pre the rules – Rehat) then he would lose all of his spiritual Powers:
     
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  12. Driops

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    Wow, thank you veer harry haller ji, very inspiring. Somehow I thought I would find a wife during my travels (hope Gursikh), but I think your experience is unique. I dont believe in Kismat- I think we got all in our hands, what we do etc.. this is the chance of the lifetime to find guru ji. Unfortunately I am not good in talking with women - I don´t know why -it sounds weird i know... I only can talk with them like i talk with other persons - in a deep normal conversation .

    PS. I am already living like an amritdhari - and this is just WOW - an amazing feeling and i think if i take amrit this wow will turn to a AMAZING WOW!!!! :happykudi:
     
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  13. Harry Haller

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    DriopsJi

    I believe that Hukam is a form of Kismet. We all know the Hukam, if we had the courage to follow it, then we would live the life Guruji intended for us, that is how I define Hukam and Kismet.

    Your comment below made me laugh

    Unfortunately I am not good in talking with women - I don´t know why -it sounds weird i know... I only can talk with them like i talk with other persons - in a deep normal conversation .

    Veerji, this is the only way to speak to a woman, free of any subterfuge, hidden intent, pure, and enjoying company, regardless of what sex the other person may be. Much Kudos to you brother!

    My wife was not Gursikh when I met her, even now, I am Sikh, she is not, but her manner, attitude to life, to creation is completely Sikh, much much more than me. Yesterday there was much snow, but it was sunday, our day off, I watched my wife start to put her nurses uniform on, and laughed, where are you going, she replied, I am not going anywhere, we are both going, so I spent sunday ferrying my wife about until where the snow was deepest, she sent me home and continued on foot, making sure all those that could not get a visit had catheters changed, injections given etc, it is the sikh thing to do, she laughed at me

    You will meet someone, your Sikhi shines through brother, but do not worry if she is Gursikh or not, be honest, better she is not, then your journey can be as complete equals, learn together, share together, I think you have a wonderful life ahead of you, you never know, you might even find someone from your parents who fits the bill perfectly, Good Luck
     
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