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General Need Advice/Help (About Kesh)

Discussion in 'Hard Talk' started by Searching, Aug 9, 2011.

  1. Searching

    Searching
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    Dear SPN members, I am a Sikh by birth and choice and my parents have very strong faith in Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji ji. I have an elder brother who shares the same nurturing as me.

    This is about him.

    For the past year he has been away working in a some other city, though he comes to visit us every 4 months. My Brother was never very religious but until about a year back whenever he came to see us the first thing he would ask is to take him to a Gurudwara that falls in the way home from the airport. He even asked me once last year to do japji sahib with loudly so that both of us can know about the mistakes we make while doing the path.

    My parents are finding a match for him and he use to say that he will marry whoever our parents deem good for him

    But suddenly from the beginning of this year he started saying that he does not want to get married. Never said why.

    This April he came back home and told us the reason. He said that he does not believe in God and all religions are a lie. And wants to cut his kesh. And therefore he cannot marry as a Sikh when he knows that later he will get a haircut. Of course leaving my parents distraught and in tears and myself very worried.

    Now for past 3 months there was no talk about it but yesterday he made it clear that he intends to get his wish fulfilled.

    Moreover he does not want to come back home and live with us anymore. He did not say this but it is very clear from his actions and the way he speaks with us.

    We asked him that is he in a relationship with some other girl but he denies it.

    I am flabbergasted at this sudden change in behavior of my brother and don't know what to do or how to bring him back.

    I asked him to at least read and understand Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji ji once before he rejects his beliefs.

    Before leaving in April he said that he will do it but I have all my doubts that he did it.

    Someone please guide what to do and how can I reinstate his faith. Or can I at all?
     
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  3. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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    Re: Need Advice/Help

    Searchingji

    I am sorry to hear about the problems in your family, I am afraid I know only too well, as this could have been written by my younger brother 20 years ago.

    Reading between the lines, I would say that your brother, having moved to a different city, has started to enjoy the freedom of living away from home, has probably experimented with drinking, maybe sex, possibly drugs, I am not saying he is a drooling addict to these things, but he possibly has knowledge. With freedom comes great responsibility, what your brother does not know, is just how sikhi can help him nurture this responsibility, but in the short term, be aware of the following

    Your brother now possibly believes that there are two worlds, the home world, that also represents sikhism, family values and all else that is good and proper, and his world, freedom, and the ability to do what he wants. Like all of us, he possibly also thinks that the two worlds are not compatible, and he is either a good sikh and son and brother, or he is a free manmukh. This why he wants to cut his hair, it is a goodbye to the clean, and a hello to the base. That is not to say, again, that he is about to turn into a dribbling wreck, he just wants the choice.

    Any attempt to make him see sense will fall on deaf ears, or merely prolong the process. Your brother needs to understand, now more than ever, that he can still take the path he wishes to take, as a sikh, and as a member of your family, how? uhmm well this is the hard bit, the more you fight him, the more he will think you are attacking his freedom, I would suggest you tell him to put his hair cutting on hold, for say 4 months, and try to not to make him feel that it has to be a choice between freedom and sikhism.Try to get him to be honest about his reasons, and do not judge him, if its women, or drink, or drugs, try to get him to talk about it, he needs to know that he does not need to submit to what has changed him, he will become what we all are, imperfect. An imperfect sikh is , to my mind, better than an atheist, all the actions that he may be taking are only taking him further than the light, I would also imagine he is struck down hugely with guilt, and it is this guilt that is forcing him to make a choice, the guilt must be god related, so lose god, lose the guilt,

    I can only stress the importance of accepting him and whatever he wishes to do, and you may find, if he feels he is accepted enough, he will try and reconcile his new life with his responsibility as a son, and as a sikh.

    The worst thing you can do is threaten to cut him off, because secretly thats what he may want, to be cut off and free, hope that helps,

    Sat Sri Akal
     
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  4. Searching

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    Re: Need Advice/Help

    Harry ji
    I am very thankful to you for your reply. I find your post logical and practical. It becomes very difficult to think that way when one is actually going through it.
    My father thinks this is only the beginning of my brother cutting his ties with us and mother sometimes cries, sometimes try to talk sense into him and sometimes simply reconcile to her fate.
    Don't know where fate will lead us.
     
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  5. Ambarsaria

    Ambarsaria Canada
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    Re: Need Advice/Help

    Searching ji you are a very smart man in asking for help and ideas.

    Nothing gurantees good results but the following is always needed for good results,

    • Genuine Love
      • Love people how they are and not how they used to be or how you want them to be
        • Maturity takes many twists and turns some of which are painful and hard to handle
        • If his heart had good upbringing, this phase will pass as your upbringing is like River which meanders through life. But if it has cut a strong path it rarely changes direction totally
          • Here and there, yes it will change its course
    • Recognize the blessing there is
      • Many people don't even have an elder brother
      • I lost my elder brother when I was 16
      • Cherish the moment and stay positive
    • Don't force a wolf into a corner
      • One of the sure fire ways to be rejected with all the good intentions one may have is when you force people into a corner
      • Take time and de-escalate and make it less of a topic in the family
    • Chhotey Brother ji (younger brother), if you think this is an issue in life, you really have not been exposed to how bad things can get
      • Cherish all moments of health and happiness and don't focus on the negatives
    Wishing your family health, happiness and love.

    Sat Sri Akal.
     
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  6. BhagatSingh

    BhagatSingh Canada
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    Re: Need Advice/Help

    Searching ji, I understand your suffering and I am here for you.

    I have nothing to add to the awesome advice by Harry ji and Ambarsaria ji. Like they say love and acceptance for any of the forms your brother takes, is the way to happiness and peace.
     
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  7. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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    Re: Need Advice/Help

    Dear Searchingji,

    It saddens me that your house is turning into my house 20 years ago, it was worse for me, because my little brother was not like you, he wanted to be like me, so for a while, my parents lost two sons, and watched them both get a haircut, although as a family now, we are extremely close.

    You will all get through this, but your parents are taking this personally, they do not see this as a mad dash for freedom, this is an attack on everything they hold dear, their family, and their religion. It is possibly the worst thing that can happen to any family, and sometimes it is the best, as it brings people even closer together.

    Explain to your mum and dad, it is not something that your brother is doing to hurt them, or leave them, and beg them to try and integrate your brothers new life into theirs, provided for a while, your brother keeps his hair, see how this status quo goes, you are all adults, there must be some compromise, family dishonour is not worth losing a son over, compromise with your brother, go as far as saying, I dont care what you do in your personal life, but please do not destroy the family while you self destruct yourself,
     
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  8. Searching

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    Re: Need Advice/Help

    Thank you Ambarsaria ji for your kind words. I appreciate it. 0:)
     
  9. Searching

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    Re: Need Advice/Help

    Dear Harry ji
    Thank you very much for taking out time to explain things to me. I do have an idea now about how to approach this issue.

    We had put this issue on the back burner for some time and were just waiting for things to happen.
    What I have decided now is to confront this issue with my brother.
    As you said I will ask him to put it on hold for some more time and get him to introspect about what led him to this sudden change, be honest about it at least to himself if not me and then decide if he is ready lose what he has in exchange of what he wants. By this i do not intend to push him into a corner.
    I will want him to be 100% convinced for want he has decided to do for himself. For me there is only one way. To know more about religion and then take an informed decision.

    I can see that like most people his urge is based on convenience rather than actual rejection of the tenets of Sikhism.

    May Almighty guide him.
     
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  10. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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    Re: Need Advice/Help

    sometimes we want something all the more because the people tell us we cannot, good luck
     

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