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Marriage - 8 Yrs Together And Family Reject Me Based On Caste

Discussion in 'Love & Marriage' started by Harp_zzs, Jun 1, 2007.

  1. Harp_zzs

    Harp_zzs
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    8 YEARS TOGETHER AND PARENTS ARE REJECTING ME WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING MY NAME JUST CAUSE I AINT A JATT AND HAVENT BEEN PICKED BY FATHER - EMOTIONAL BLACK MAIL FROM GIRLFRIENDS FAMILY IS SLOWLY BREAKING HER...

    TWO SIKHS IN LOVE BUT CAUGHT IN A RING OF FIRE WHICH SEEMS TO BE GETTING HIGHER...


    PLEASE HELP!! - STORY BELOW

    Good evening my fellow sikhs. I hope you can shed some light on the painful and depressing situation me and my girlfriend are going through.

    ABIT ABOUT US;

    Firstly let me introduce myself I'm 25 year old male from the UK working in the teaching and arts profession and my girlfriend is 23 soon to be 24 and is working in the banking and finance profession.

    We have known each other since we were 16 and met in college here in LONDON, we have had an overall very good 8 years together, obviously we have had problems along the way but our love and understanding has kept us close and allowed us to build a strong relationship that is still going today.

    The last month of our relationship has been HELL, my girlfirends parents don't believe in out of cast marriage and have never allowed such a thing with both her older sister... They call themselves sikhs but yet can't let go off the fact that I am not a Jatt so not acceptable for there daughter.

    By the way they don;t know about us and don;t know we have been seeing each other for so long.

    My family know about her and totally accept her and are fully willing to let me marry her. By the way her family are very status orientated and very society thinking... Always thinking what will others think of us if we do this... VERY PROUD HIGHY AND MIGHTY PEOPLE.....

    Anyway a few weeks ago her father arranged for her to meet a BOY from the same cast whose family he has been introduced too. She went along for the sake of her father and met this guy, after which she came home crying and told me that she didnt want to marry him....I told her to go straight home and confess and tell her mum whats going on and she already has someone she wants to marry (ME)

    She went home and broke the news to her mother, her dad is in India at present so no news has been shared with him yet... Her mother totally ruled me out, she had a fit and told her not to see me again and that this wedding will never happen... SHE DIDNT EVEN ASK MY NAME OR WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING... she just saw that I wasnt a jatt and in that case not suitable for her daughter.

    Its been three weeks or so since she met this guy and ever since she has been emotionally black mailed by her family, both her mother and sisters have been saying stuff like if you marry him I will die, your dad will die, the usual. bollywood lines families come up with when this happens. They keep saying stuff like you will get over him, well my answer to this is so will they if they let us marry, why spoil your child happiness.

    Sikhism says you should marry a fellow sikh and creed, status and cast should not even been taken into consideration, isnt that right??

    Both her sisters are so unsupportive they totally sticking to what the mother has to say they are all hoping that this will die down before the dad gets back from India and that she wont even need to tell him. Her sister is so vindictive shes doesnt care about her shes just thinking about herself... If your care about your siblings shouldnt you support them in there decision instead saying things like forget about him, his no good etc etc...

    They have also mentally pressured her so much that just to get some peace of mind she has been forced into saying yes to the guy she saw.

    As you can imagine this has been hell for us both we love each other so much and its feels right to get married, for the last 2,3 years I have been working extra hard in order to plan out our life I have even bought a house for us to live in and started a sucessful business in addition to my job to provide for my girlfriend who I really want to be my wife and our family with...

    She has been brain washed and influenced so much that even now she is beginning to think maybe she should just marry this guy to keep her parents happy, and that we should split.... Im sure you can imagine this is easier said then done... Being apart from her or not hearing her voice for atleast 1 sec of the days breaks my heart. All i want to do is provide for this girl and make her my wife....WHY DOES THIS CAST SYSTEM MATTER TO SOME....WE ARE BOTH SIKHS AND BOTH WANT TO MARRY AND CARRY ON LIVING AS SIKHS

    She has now decided that her heart is telling her to leave her family and come with me as she knows this is what she wants, her mind is telling her to stop and think about the family..... I really dont know what to say any more her father did the same to her two older sister who both wanted to marry SIKH guys but both were not in the JATT CAST or picked by him, again a status and pride thing...

    I really would appreciate some advice from you fellow sikhs, I know this is a long post but when matters of the heart are concerned Im sure you understand what we are going through.....

    IS IT WRONG FOR HER TO LEAVE HER PARENTS AND TO MARRY THE ONE SHE REALLY LOVES.....???

    HOW DO WE GET HER PARENTS TO SEE SENSE?? I CAN'T BEGIN TO SHARE OUR PAIN WITH YOU GUYS ITS JUST SO SO SO UPSETTING THAT THESE TRADITIONS ARE STILL GOING ON IN SOCIETY TODAY...

    8 years is a long time and we cant just let this go without a fight. Not physical obviously...

    We really do need some advice.... Please post if you can help or have an opinion....
     
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  3. gagan

    gagan
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    hi there .. well what can i say.. i do sympathise with you and for the one that you love as i am/was in a similiar situation to yourself.
    i met this guy and instantly knew he was the one for me, a guy that i could take home and proudly introduce to my parents, as their son-in-law who would have been more than a son... but his family had other views... the same old caste problem. I also felt that they had turned me down on the basis of my caste, having not met me or spoken to me and not being given a single chance..they opted not to listen...
    ..He explained to his parents a dozen times but the answer was No...he even asked me to marry him and that parents will come round and accept us but i always had faith and beleived that one day they will give in, as at the end of the day i wanted to be part of a family not the root cause of the problem, not someone who was being selfish (well at the time the decision felt right) so insisted on waiting...but they never gave in...Time passed and we decided we had to move on, but only a few months later we came into contact and decided to be friends...which is even worse...as the hope still remains and is still alive. Although my parents were happy with my decision and agreed that as long as i was happy they were happy they accpeted our alliance but as it was a one-way situation and communcation was impossible they had no other option other than to introduce me to other guys...but one cannot take a decision that easily especially when your heart is soo in tune with the one that you want to be with..so how can i accept someone else?? that would truly not be an honest decision. i have tried and tried but i just cannot accept anyone else.... i still wait and could carry on waiting but how long can i keep parents waiting as they want to see me settled...
    Its been 4 years now...playing this waiting game, the heart still hopes that maybe one day...it will happen. He's seeing other girls and im seeing other guys only because we have to ...our hearts say something and minds say something else but neither of us is strong enough to make that one decision that could alter our lives altogether...so whos to blame? us? parents? time? circumstances? i just cannot understand how caste remains such a big issue? and to top it up, how ppl are soo specific with caste..jatt only..ramgarhia only??? i have looked into matrimonials and seen the specs..its unbeleivable ..never realised the big division in sikhi.. we just dont know where we stand..
    At the time, had i not thought bout family, then maybe we would have been together, but we allowed our parents to take their time and think about it...we gave them due respect where it was needed...so should parents not be bit more considerate? does their childrens happiness not mean anything? as everyone deserves ONE chance? had they said no after meeting me then i could prob understand ...but how do i know what they think me or what reservations they have?
    i really dont know what advise is suitable ..everyones circumstance are different..just follow your heart but one think id say is dont commit yourself to someone just for the sake of it..not only will you not be happy but ruining someone elses hopes/dreams wouldn't be fair..just dont fall in to the families pressure..you have to be strong and support one another...thats what we did..and you realise that your realtionship becomes even stronger...rest is upto vaheguru and hes only able to decide whats in store for us...so the ? remains.....
    they say time is a healer...hopefully everything will work out right for you..i truly do hope it works out right as i know how it feels
    good luck

    vaheguru rakha
     
  4. Randip Singh

    Randip Singh
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    Ahh ....

    I had this problem from both sides.

    My wife's Jatt family thought they were higher than mine. My family thought they were higher than them.

    We both stuck two fingers up to both sides and said we are getting married no matter what.

    We had our registry first and lo and behld all the families were there. Our wedding day went smoothly too, and now the families get on fine.

    Just do what Sikhism tells you, and you won't go wrong. Her family are following the wrong path and the path of bigootry that is anti-sikh.

    Marry her and be done with it. They will come round eventually.
     
  5. Archived_Member16

    Archived_Member16
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    I fully endorse the views of Veer Randip Singh Ji. SELF-EMPOWERMENT IS THE KEY !

    Parents should always remember:

    Your children are not your children.
    They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
    They come through you but not from you,
    and though they are with you, and yet they belong not to you.
    You may give them your love, but not your thoughts.
    For they have their own thoughts.
    You may house their bodies but not their souls,
    for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
    You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
    For life goes not backward, nor tarries with yesterday.

    Kahlil Gibran
     
  6. MKAUR1981

    MKAUR1981
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    Harpz

    At the end of the day it's you and your girlfriend who are getting married. I know we have to uphold our parents respect or izzat but if they are not listening what else can you do. Have you tried to get your family to talk to them or maybe a respected person who could talk to them?

    Parents seem to have a Msc in emotional blackmail! Go ahead and do what you need to do. Get your blessing from Waheguro and hopefully they will come round in the end. If they don't then that's there loss.

    All the best.
     
  7. KiranC

    KiranC
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    I am in exactly the same situation- except me and my partner haven't been together for as long as you have. I do know how you feel. I told my parents a few days ago and it wasn't good. It hurts-alot. All i can say to you is if you believe in you and your girlfriend-fight for it. It won't be easy- but then nothing that is worth a fight is. You will get there.

    Emotionally blackmailing someone is wrong-my mum told me her marriage would end if i married my partner (what kind of random stupidness is that!!!!)

    And her sisters should be more supportive. You two need to live your lifes- you only get one shot at it...and even then life is so short.

    Everyone deserves a chance to be happy-take yours.
     
  8. KiranC

    KiranC
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    I love this-it is so true!
     

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