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Is it the end?

Discussion in 'Blogs' started by Harry Haller, Oct 17, 2015.

  1. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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    Writer SPNer Contributor

    Jan 31, 2011
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    My agitated state continued through the week, as the weekend approached, I felt I was a million different people being pulled in a million different directions, by Saturday night, I felt I was walking dead, the lust thief was too powerful, too much in control, I would probably spend the rest of my years going mad, the struggle between lust and Guruji eventually blowing a gasket, given my history of heart attacks and surgery, I gave myself about 10 years.

    Sunday morning I woke at 6am, I had decided to get away from the zoo that lives in the bedroom, and get some peace in the bedroom downstairs, I padded upstairs to find everyone asleep and cuddled my wife, I was aware of a strange pain in my chest, which matched the pain in my left arm, however it was slight, so I tried to get asleep, when I awoke again at 9, the pain was much worse, I sat on the edge of the bed, but it seemed to be increasing every minute, I informed wife, who took my blood pressure to find it sky high 179/110, with no release to the pain, it was decided to drive to hospital, but by this time I was in agony, so we called an ambulance, after much gas and injections the pain subsided.

    Lying in the CCU, the worried look on Sians face, the whole situation came flooding back, I knew the drill, they would take a blood sample 12 hours after the first pain, 6pm, and if that would show any damage to the heart, if no damage, I would be discharged, if damage, it would be an angiogram and possibly 2 weeks in hospital, followed by treatment for the results of the angiogram, judging by the pain, if there was damage to the heart, it might have to be rebypassed or stented, either way, bad.

    I sent Sian home, till 6pm there was not a lot she could do, and being a pragmatic person, she
    agreed, so I had 7 hours to myself. I was out of pain, but I felt like death, at 3pm, the pain came back with a vengeance, so more drugs, Sian came back at 5.30, and at 6pm they took the test, 7pm I was given the all clear, no damage, but there was still concern about the pain, which had now gone, so I was kept in overnight with a view to still doing an angiogram.

    Most of the night I was awake, thinking, one of those nights when you have to do some serious thinking, although I did not pray, or at anytime I did not think of God, I did think of the path of God, and the path to waheguru an awful lot, hugely, in fact, but I am aware that only I can help myself, and then through understanding and wisdom, both of which I seemed to lack at that point in time, eventually, morning came, I swore that if I got discharged, I would embrace the path to ensure I never put myself in this situation again, not so much making deals, but in the unlikely event everything was ok, I was not pushing this any further, I was going to live, and enjoy life and enjoy being a part of Creation rather than see living as a responsibility.

    The cardiologist came round at 10am, He studied my reports, blood tests, felt my chest, asked exactly where the pain was coming from, his opinion was that the pain was too high for heart related, and that I had scar tissue build up near the heart which was the cause of the pain, he pressed a point, and it hurt, hmm, he nodded, scar tissue, ' we will increase the dose of one of your tablets, it will help with these pains, but I am afraid you will find your sex drive will be affected'

    Time froze, the whole scene just froze, in my mind Guruji smiled and nodded, it was a warm smile,

    'what do you think?'
    'how badly are we talking about?'
    'a lot....., you may find it hard to get an erection'
    'no, well, let me explain, how many times do you have sex at the moment'
    'well its not hugely great, my wife is on medication so its gone down to 1 or 2 times'
    'well thats quite a lot for a week still'
    'err thats a day'
    'uhmmmm okay.... well thats just not going to happen, maybe once a week'
    In the shock I again saw Guruji smiling, broadly, he lifted his hand and raised 1 finger and laughed
    'Ok lets do it'

    so, here I am, its Wednesday, I have not had a lustful thought since saturday, I feel at peace, I feel happy, the pain from the scar tissue is completely gone, I can inflate my chest now fully, something I could not do before, I feel a bit less of a victim, a bit more of a King, and I use that word for a purpose, a true King will always look after his subjects more than he will look after himself, I feel a bit less Me-istic, a bit more looking at the whole picture, recognising the human race as one to coin a phrase, I have also found my eating habits are different, I have found a love for porridge, nuts, fruit, veg, the thought of eating a huge portion of fried fish and chips makes me feel sick,

    Something happened on Saturday, I am not sure what, but finally I seem to have found the peace I have spent a lifetime looking for,
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