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finally nothing

Discussion in 'Blogs' started by Harry Haller, Oct 16, 2015.

  1. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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    Writer SPNer Contributor

    Jan 31, 2011
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    I am finally nothing, the last two calls on me have been vanquished, before I was a smart, witty, well dressed interesting chap, full of life and mischief, I am now officially nothing, I have no appetite, for anything, all i wish to do now is serve, not out of pleasure, or out of love, but because that is what Hukam is, because that is where life has led me, because that is what I am, a servant to Creation.

    I think our american cousins call it crank, amphetamines, an ex girlfriend introduced me to it, I have to say it was, at the time, the best thing I have ever done, we both stayed awake for near enough a whole week, in a grotty motel in Oklahoma, I have fuzzy memories, but what I remember most is the come down, it took about a whole month, and I was in agony, and I swore I would never touch speed again, and I never did. Looking back, if you burn that bright, the price has to be paid one day, maybe not today, maybe not tommorow, stuff enough up your nose and you can put it off, but forever, one day the piper calls, and when that day comes, its showtime, its time to pay for shooting through the air in a rush of ecstacy, with speed, you pay a month for a week, in real life, if your lucky, you get nothing, no fear, no appetite, no lusts, no desires, nothing, the piper calls for what is rightfully his and takes your all, so what now, the long walk my friends, the long walk to the cursed earth,

    Cars queue up outside my window, I watch drivers going home, home to dinner, maybe to a partner, maybe they will make small talk about the day, about dinner, maybe they will laugh, its been more than 4 years since I saw Sian laugh, or even cry, or show any emotion at all, hooray for anti depressants! This now my last battle, all that matters is to get her off those damned tablets, that, and the desire to do right by my parents is all that really matters to me anymore, what I wear, how I look (its bad), what I drive, the piper has taken them all, and yet, I feel privelaged to be in this position, honoured, lucky, I get to make a difference, I get a chance to work with Creation, its 8pm here, I have been here since 6am, I thank my lucky stars I am not expected home in some immaculate house, complete with in laws, or relatives, or friends, to make conversations about nothing, or to be forced to look at photos of someones holiday, I will leave here when I am ready, Sian will be exhausted in bed, she is going through a lot of pain at the moment, stiff joints, depression, although sure there are people going through worse, but I do not live with them, so I only know what I know. Breakfast was a pasty and a coke, dinner will be a sandwich, eaten on the drive home, as I approach my house, the dogs will come to the window, and I will cuddle them all, and talk to them, then I will see my wife, in bed, and then I will fall asleep, to do it all again at 5am the next day,

    I would rather slit my throat than live any other life, I am free, the piper has been paid, I am nothing
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