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General Dealing with Lust in this society?

Discussion in 'Hard Talk' started by uchihamrita, Apr 13, 2014.

  1. uchihamrita

    uchihamrita
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    I'm a teenage girl and living in the society we live in it's very difficult to not indulge in lust. When I think about my future I seem to be bound by two routes- an arrange marriage with someone I won't want to marry or a love marriage... but having a love marriage, the process of doing so would mean dating. Within dating, it's pretty difficult to find someone to date you where it wont lead to sex one day. Now don't mistake me for saying I plan to sleep around because right now I do not want to indulge in kaam, but I also don't want to just end up with a person my parents find who probably has commited kaam already. Ideally I want to meet someone, date them and for several years and really get to know them and then one day marry them... but this doesn't seem possible. Ofcourse I know if they really love you they will wait but getting to that process of love isnt instant and it'll become difficult to avoid any sexual interaction before that.

    I want to be a good sikh, and do to do I really need an understanding of whether this is truely lust or not... please help!
     
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  3. Sherdil

    Sherdil
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    Will your parents force you to marry someone who you don't want to marry? Just work on being the best person you can be (spiritually, physically, intellectually and financially). Let your parents worry about finding a husband for you. All you have to do then is say yes or no.
     
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  4. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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    I struggled with lust for many years, however, its not that hard when you see it for what it is,. there are different levels of struggle, some struggle not to think, some struggle not to act on thoughts, some give up all together and immerse themselves in a life of lust, its a bit like eating, some people can enjoy a nice meal now and then and see food primarily as fuel, some see it as pleasure and pleasure only. The fact of the matter is that it is not that difficult, it all depends on your attitude to life, do you want to be a dog on a lead, or a free person? A monkey in a zoo might say that lust is a massive problem, and it probably is, for a monkey, if indeed a monkey could be aware that it is a problem, we are human beings, we know its a problem because it is essentially animal behaviour we feel we have no control over, but we do, and we can.

    Anything can and will happen, John Lennon once said "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans", your getting wound up about things that could go many many ways, also, by the time you get married, or want to get married, it is likely that you will not even be the same person you are now, you will be more mature, more wise, and see things very differently. In my view it is pointless trying to deal with a problem in the future when you will not even be the same person you are now, let your future self deal with that one, what you must do now is study, educate yourself, get a foundation, a grounding, plan your life academically, or in whatever direction you wish to go in, this time will not come again, you have your entire future ahead of you, you can be anything or anyone you wish to be.

    it all depends whether you wish to date a man or a dog. Real men will respect you and enjoy your company, will enjoy cinemas, theatre, meals out, walking hand in hand in the moonlight, sitting in a car sharing hot chocolate and looking at the stars, talking about life, about philosophy, about meaning, a dog will do what a dog will do, find someone who has broken their programming, its hard, but such men do exist, my father is one. I on the other hand am not, it took me 45 years to break mine, my wife is a very patient woman :)

    This, in my view is a misunderstanding of the word kaam, it does not mean solely animal lust, nor does it mean that if you do not commit animal lust, you are some sort of hero, it means lust period, for cars, for money, for power, for anything, however, it has been confused with celibacy or only having sex for childbearing, there is nothing wrong with lust in a relationship, however, it needs to be balanced, not the entire foundation, we all have lustful thoughts, but it is possible to see it for what it is, basic animal behaviour, and then laugh at it, and refuse to be bound by it, go into any nightclub and watch the mating rituals, from an outsiders point of view, it can be quite hilarious, I do not wish to be bound by such, nothing owns me, I indulge for sure, but it does not own me, you have to be free, and there is a time and a place for everything. The actual lust you speak of above is nothing more than a bone to a dog, you just have to drop the bone.

    It is possible, and as you get older, you will probably make it so, provided you can stand the brainwashing, rituals and traditions that exist in our culture.

    find a man and not a dog and anything is possible, you have high standards, do not compromise them for anyone, not your parents and not your friends, stick to your guns, if that is your ideal in the future, then focus on the present, and live by that ideal, it is a good one to navigate by, but if you do compromise, if you do end up in a field digging up bones, well, you do, don't be too hard on yourself, that's life. Maybe one day you will put the bones down and find that innocence you pined for when you were young.

    you don't need validation or help from anyone, it is your choice and you will reap what you sow, the only advice is to be true to yourself, be YOU.
     
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  5. uchihamrita

    uchihamrita
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    You're 100% right. Thank you so much, this has really helped me reflect back on myself
     
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  6. Ambarsaria

    Ambarsaria Canada
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    uchihamrita ji thanks for your post. Harry ji indeed wrote a great response, perhaps difficult to comment upon. I do want to state a few things if it helps.

    As Harry ji said the issue is how much you are controlled by rather than avoid at all costs. Indeed Kaam can take many forms but its basic attribute is that it drives your actions rather than you exercising a leash on it. Sex is not Kaam, thinking about sex is not Kaam, only when you let it become an obsession and in a relationship, as a one sided obsession, then one may call it Kaam. Love is not Kaam but obsessively loving someone when they don't want to be loved or are indifferent is Kaam. Two people loving each other extremely and being in bed all day is not Kaam, one person forcing the other to be so is Kaam. So we need to almost call it balancing versus unbalanced or one sided. This goes for any of the five thieves. Trying to eliminate is not Sikhism. Keeping these in their place is what Sikhism teaches.

    Balanced you are not Kaam centric. Unbalanced you may be in the grip of any of the five like Kaam, Karodh, Lobh, Moh and Ahankar.

    So don't sweat too much, be yourself and try to stay balanced. Rest will take care of it by itself.

    Good luck and thanks again for doing a good post.

    Sat Sri Akal.
     
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