well for 2 weeks, I basically just worked and howled, I howled hard, harder than a long time, by the time the 2 weeks was up, well, of course I was in a state of induced madness. Sian mentioned that Charlie, who was old and getting older, was getting weaker, we hoped he would live to see christmas, Sian went to see charlie, he died in her arms ten minutes later, I watched him as Sian stroked him, its all over now, she said, its time to sleep, I realised I have seen Sian say this several times now, when animals have died before, when her mother died, she looked at me, he's gone, but he's still breathing, I said, she shook her head, no, thats just gasses, I also realised that I had made this statement every death, including her mother, the night was strange, we did not touch, or hold, I felt she blamed me, eventually, she looked at me and said this is awful, truth is, I didnt know what to do, my head was all over the place, we talked, we talked about permanently splitting up, 'then you can howl to your hearts content instead of trying to rescue someone who cannot give you anything back, because that is all I am, a project for you to save, then you can move on to your next one' She looked at me, I looked at her, my love for her burned deep inside me, but so did the pain, the hurt, the rejection, and frankly, 20 years of drugs, booze and hard living did not help. We stared, for a while, I started to cry, Sian doesnt cry, she is too hard for that, she wiped it away, we held each other, in the middle of the passion, I realised that it was this that was home, it was this that I needed, the love, the holding, the feeling that someone loved you as much as you loved them, we made love, after, I held her tightly, I did not want to let her go, we lay in bed, after, the familiar noise of the door downstairs opening as the puppies lifted the latch, soon the bed was full of puppies, dogs and us. I looked at her, she was beautiful, really the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life, Bran was on her chest, Rory was behind her head, and Dan was lying on her feet, her hand tightly squeezed mine and she closed her eyes, 'let the bone go harry' she said, just let it go, take it out from centre stage and give it a passing role, I can live with that, but this, this is what we are, and what we need. An hour later everyone was asleep, except me, I sat up and looked at the scene, I have not howled since. I have no desire to howl, I think I made the change, I think I have grown up, the Range Rover is on ebay, war is over.