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Bullied To No End By My Colleagues

Discussion in 'Hard Talk' started by Seeker2013, Jun 2, 2016.

  1. Seeker2013

    Seeker2013 India
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    Remember I told you about how my first job itself was a miracle , a gurprasad , waheguruji's blessing
    However it seems like the colleagues are a curse.

    Since day one, I was harassed during lunch breaks in canteen and joked upon and bullied by one person . He's a south indian and a bodybuilder . He called me names , ridiculed my dastaar and also ridiculed kirpan. NO ONE scolded him for it when infact he called me names in front of everyone .
    He used to say things like "Why do you wear that thing on your head?" , "How do you deal if you got an itch on your scalp?" , "How do you wear helmets ?" ,"If a sikh lady is wearing kirpan and she's cutting vegetables and loses her knife, can she cut using kirpan ?"
    He mocked me to no extent , ridiculed my faith , ridiculed my apparent-sexuality (they think I am gay) , called my technical skills a joke and joked on the fact that I have at times seeked help from more experienced colleagues.

    lonely.jpg

    The HR manager (now he has left ) also used to hate me, because he didn't really want me to join . He also held a dislike for me since day one.

    Now you must be wondering why I don't complain . Because sometimes , when I have felt it unbearable , I have lashed it out on them. They say if I complain to the HR , they will unite and complain against me . This is my first job , I don't have any previous experience .
    Today morning in his absence , I said something like to one of my other colleagues "I pray he (south indian bully) would die by infected by maggots " (keede peh ke mar jaave). I agree I shouldn't have said so , but TBH the times he has bullied me so much, even my spiteful remark would fall pale in front of it

    But as usual , everyone turned against me . One of my colleagues came close to me and she said "how can you even say something so spiteful ? he just jokes with you "
    other said in a stern voice "how you even got so much dare to say such a thing"

    I felt so panicked and scared I ran away from office and came home, citing poor health.

    I agree I have shortcomings, I am naive , I can be idiot at times, but the way he started it all by ridiculing me in lunch breaks in front of everyone, not once but multiple times.

    I feel so helpless.
    I don't know what to do .
    Why this is happening with me when I don't wish bad for everyone (except today morning which was like an outburst after days of frustration. silly , dangerous and immature I agree but why was I treated so in the first place. did I deserve it :(

    PS : why everyone either ignores or laughs in when I am being bullied , but when I retaliate, then I am the bad guy and everyone is ready to criticize. I am having a hard time having faith in this concept of friendship. I feel traumatized and incidents like these force me to question myself
     
    #1 Seeker2013, Jun 2, 2016
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 2, 2016
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  3. Admin Singh

    Admin Singh
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    @Seeker2013 Ji

    First of all, you are not alone in this battle. We all face bullies in our daily lives. Bullying can start from a country bullying another country to an individual bullying you or me.

    Clearly, they feed on our fears. Your one act of defiance/dare had shivers down their spines... so, you have already won a part of the battle...

    Recently read a very relevant article...

    Truthfully, I think that dealing with bullying customers is actually pretty easy, relatively speaking.

    Why?

    Because bully customers eventually leave.

    Bully co-workers will be waiting for you when you show up to work today, tomorrow, the day after that… you get the picture! That fact alone adds a layer of complexity to the mix, but that doesn’t mean that dealing with them is impossible.

    With bullying coworkers, the first step is understanding the truth behind what makes a bully a bully.

    Bullies at their core, are cowards.

    We have to remember this, because knowledge of this fact is your silver bullet in your fight against bullies of any kind. Sure, they might not seem like cowards when they’re pulling the tough guy/gal routine on you, but please don’t be fooled by it – every bully walking the face of the earth needs your fear to survive.

    Without your fear, they are nothing. Inside of each bully is a pathetic, sad, pitiful shell of a human being who seeks out people who they feel they can intimidate and control. Intimidation and control makes these people feel powerful, and to ensure that they keep feeling powerful, they seek out targets who have a disinterest in confrontation so that they get their jollies by emotionally destroying them.

    There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will be to treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity.” -Nathaniel Branden

    All cruelty is based in weakness–and cruelty is act of cowardice, not courage. So, how do you deal with a bully coworker?

    You have to be the opposite of a coward. You have to be brave. Here are two ways you can be brave, starting today!

    A) Don’t Let Them See You Sweat

    Bullies love to get a reaction–in fact, your reaction of pain, sadness, and anger is the fuel that keeps them going. Sick I know, but it’s the absolute truth with these types of people.

    I know that this is much easier said than done, but you cannot give them the reaction that they want. Ever. If a bully coworker passive-aggressively excludes you from a team lunch outing or is overly critical of your work, don’t let him know that his behavior is getting to you.

    Vent to someone you trust. Walk away. Rise above his foolishness. You might not be in control of his bullying behavior, but you’re always in control of yours. Many bullies will stop targeting you if they don’t get the reaction that they’re looking for from you. Unfortunately, this technique won’t work with all bullies.

    Some of the really persistent bullies won’t stop if they’re ignored. In fact, the bullying might increase if they feel that they’re failing to get a reaction out of you. So, in that case, you’ll have to use this strategy instead…

    B) Stand up for Yourself

    Remember, we’re talking about a bully coworker–you don’t report to this person. Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself.

    Intimidation and immaturity are the only weapons that the bully has in her pathetic arsenal, and if you make the decision that you will not be bullied by her, the bully is effectively screwed because she doesn’t have a Plan B if Plan A fails.

    If you choose to stand up for yourself, please do it when you’re not emotionally charged by the situation (yes, this is possible).

    Approach the bully and be assertive, but not aggressive about what is bothering you. Equally as important, focus solely on the bully’s behavior, not the bully himself/herself.

    For example, there’s a huge difference between, “Susie, I’m sick of you acting like a {censored word, do not repeat.} towards me during our team meetings” than “Susie, in the past two team meetings, I’ve felt personally attacked when you called my ideas stupid in front of the team, and I don’t feel that it’s appropriate.”

    Sure, she might deny it or get defensive, but from that moment forward, she knows that you know that you’re on to her childish bullying games.

    Also, if your goal in this discussion is to simply make the bully aware of her bullying behavior, then you’re totally missing the point–please trust that the bully is fully aware of what she’s doing and how it makes you feel. She actually gets off on it.

    You’re bringing this to her attention to put her on notice that her behavior is not okay with you and that you’d like it to stop.

    Most bullies never expect to be called out on their behavior, and now that you’ve put it out there, she’ll have to make the difficult choice of either stopping her behavior or continue to prove that you are right about her foolishness all along.

    Most importantly, when it comes to bully coworkers, you have to know which battles are worth fighting and which ones aren’t worth your time.

    I know that there are always some people who believe that standing up to bullies is a bad idea because it could backfire on you. But to those people, I have a question: If you’re not going to stand up for yourself, then who will?

    Like I said earlier, no one said that dealing with bullies is fun, but it’s necessary.

    Fighting through your fear to do the right thing for yourself and others is the epitome of bravery. In my experience, bravery will always win against the cowardice of a bully every day of the week.

    This daily battle goes on... All the best!
     
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  4. Seeker2013

    Seeker2013 India
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    Thank you Admin Singh ji ,
    as usual you're very supportive and compassionate ,
    but I am a coward at heart . I know that . its not just this issue , but in other areas of life as well.
    I need to man up , but don't know how to . Because I have never done such a thing in my life earlier (standing up for myself ) ,

    Maybe I need a new group of friends who won't make me a butt of their jokes or turn my slip of tongues into laughter riots so much so that the whole office thinks I am a buffoon

    Am I just hanging with the wrong people or am I the wrong person ?
    Is this how people who're weak get treated ? Was it my fault that I got bullied because I was always bhola - bhaala looking (simpleton looking) ?
    If I had a more assertive, bold, masculine personality, perhaps my personality itself would have repelled people from doing all this to me ?
    Maybe the fault is with me more than them .
    As one of my colleague said "If one person thinks (something is wrong with you), then maybe they could be wrong, but if everyone thinks so , then they can't all be wrong, right ?"

    I am left wondering what wrong am I doing ? Because the only message I got in my life was "you're wrong or doing something wrong . but we won't tell you what it is . figure it out"
     
  5. Admin Singh

    Admin Singh
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    If a lie is repeated many times, it seems to sound like a truth... but truth shall always remain a truth... everybody is fighting their own personal battles... you are not alone in this...
     
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  6. Admin Singh

    Admin Singh
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    Talking about personal battles...

     
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  7. Seeker2013

    Seeker2013 India
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    As is usual the case with my life scenarios, whenever I am struck by doubt or anxiety or even fear, or a life situation that makes me feel depressed , I often turn to my best friend and my shade , the one who never tells me to go away and who always gives me answer or at bare minimum a hint , my satguru, Sri Guru Granth Sahib

    I did an ardas and asked "O true guru , why am I the subject of mockery ? why am I not the 'cool dude' everyone wishes to hang around with ? why they insulted your sikhi saroop ? Please send my way some good friends , even though I know you're the only true friend , but my lifetime on earth requires some mortal friends as well "

    I asked and the true guru came in his home of mercy . He said

    ਮਃ
    Third Mehl:
    ਇਸੁ ਜਗ ਮਹਿ ਪੁਰਖੁ ਏਕੁ ਹੈ ਹੋਰ ਸਗਲੀ ਨਾਰਿ ਸਬਾਈ
    In this world, there is one Husband Lord; all other beings are His brides.

    ਸਭਿ ਘਟ ਭੋਗਵੈ ਅਲਿਪਤੁ ਰਹੈ ਅਲਖੁ ਲਖਣਾ ਜਾਈ
    He enjoys the hearts of all, and yet He remains detached; He is unseen; He cannot be described.
    ਪੂਰੈ ਗੁਰਿ ਵੇਖਾਲਿਆ ਸਬਦੇ ਸੋਝੀ ਪਾਈ
    The Perfect Guru reveals Him, and through the Word of His Shabad, we come to understand Him.
    ਪੁਰਖੈ ਸੇਵਹਿ ਸੇ ਪੁਰਖ ਹੋਵਹਿ ਜਿਨੀ ਹਉਮੈ ਸਬਦਿ ਜਲਾਈ

    Those who serve their Husband Lord, become like Him; their egos are burnt away by His Shabad.

    ਤਿਸ ਕਾ ਸਰੀਕੁ ਕੋ ਨਹੀ ਨਾ ਕੋ ਕੰਟਕੁ ਵੈਰਾਈ

    He has no rival, no attacker, no enemy.

    ਨਿਹਚਲ ਰਾਜੁ ਹੈ ਸਦਾ ਤਿਸੁ ਕੇਰਾ ਨਾ ਆਵੈ ਨਾ ਜਾਈ
    His rule is unchanging and eternal; He does not come or go.
    ਅਨਦਿਨੁ ਸੇਵਕੁ ਸੇਵਾ ਕਰੇ ਹਰਿ ਸਚੇ ਕੇ ਗੁਣ ਗਾਈ
    Night and day, His servant serves Him, singing the Glorious Praises of the True Lord.
    ਨਾਨਕੁ ਵੇਖਿ ਵਿਗਸਿਆ ਹਰਿ ਸਚੇ ਕੀ ਵਡਿਆਈ ॥੨॥
    Beholding the Glorious Greatness of the True Lord, Nanak blossoms forth. ||2||
    ਪਉੜੀ
    Pauree:
    ਜਿਨ ਕੈ ਹਰਿ ਨਾਮੁ ਵਸਿਆ ਸਦ ਹਿਰਦੈ ਹਰਿ ਨਾਮੋ ਤਿਨ ਕੰਉ ਰਖਣਹਾਰਾ

    Those whose hearts are forever filled with the Name of the Lord, have the Name of the Lord as their Protector.

    ਹਰਿ ਨਾਮੁ ਪਿਤਾ ਹਰਿ ਨਾਮੋ ਮਾਤਾ ਹਰਿ ਨਾਮੁ ਸਖਾਈ ਮਿਤ੍ਰੁ ਹਮਾਰਾ

    The Lord's Name is my father, the Lord's Name is my mother; the Lord's Name is my helper and friend.

    ਹਰਿ ਨਾਵੈ ਨਾਲਿ ਗਲਾ ਹਰਿ ਨਾਵੈ ਨਾਲਿ ਮਸਲਤਿ ਹਰਿ ਨਾਮੁ ਹਮਾਰੀ ਕਰਦਾ ਨਿਤ ਸਾਰਾ

    My conversation is with the Lord's Name, and my counseling is with the Lord's Name; the Lord's Name always takes care of me.

    ਹਰਿ ਨਾਮੁ ਹਮਾਰੀ ਸੰਗਤਿ ਅਤਿ ਪਿਆਰੀ ਹਰਿ ਨਾਮੁ ਕੁਲੁ ਹਰਿ ਨਾਮੁ ਪਰਵਾਰਾ

    The Lord's Name is my most beloved society, the Lord's Name is my ancestry, and the Lord's Name is my family.

    ਜਨ ਨਾਨਕ ਕੰਉ ਹਰਿ ਨਾਮੁ ਹਰਿ ਗੁਰਿ ਦੀਆ ਹਰਿ ਹਲਤਿ ਪਲਤਿ ਸਦਾ ਕਰੇ ਨਿਸਤਾਰਾ ॥੧੫॥

    The Guru, the Lord Incarnate, has bestowed upon servant Nanak the Name of the Lord; in this world, and in the next, the Lord ever saves me. ||15||
     
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  8. dalvindersingh grewal

    dalvindersingh grewal India
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    here is a story of a lizard who teaches human beings a lesson in sympathy
    WHEN A LIZARD CAN, WHY CAN'T WE?

    This is a true story that happened in Japan.

    In order to renovate the house, someone in Japan breaks open the wall.

    Japanese houses normally have a hollow space between the wooden walls.

    When tearing down the walls, he found that there was a lizard stuck there because a nail from outside hammered into one of it's feet.

    He sees this, feels pity, and at the same time curious, as when he checked the nail,
    it was nailed 5 years ago when the house was first built !!!

    What happened?

    The lizard has survived in such position for 5 years!!!!!!!!!!

    In a dark wall partition for 5 years without moving, it is impossible and mind-boggling.

    Then he wondered how this lizard survived for 5 years! without moving a single step--since it's foot was nailed!

    So he stopped his work and observed the lizard, what it has been doing, and what and how it has been eating.

    Later, not knowing from where it came, appears another lizard, with food in it's mouth.

    Ah! He was stunned and touched deeply.

    For the lizard that was stuck by nail, another lizard has been feeding it for the past 5 years...

    Imagine? it has been doing that untiringly for 5 long years, without giving up hope on it's partner.

    Imagine what a small creature can do that a creature blessed with a brilliant mind can't.

    Please never abandon your loved ones

    Never Say you're Busy When They Really Need You ...

    You May Have The Entire World At Your Feet.....

    But You Might Be The Only World To Them....

    A Moment of negligence might break the very heart which loved you against all odds..

    Before you say something just remember..it takes a moment to Break but an entire lifetime to make...
     
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  9. Seeker2013

    Seeker2013 India
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    thats a nice lesson devinder ji but how is it related to my story
     
  10. Harry Haller

    Harry Haller United Kingdom
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    how quickly miracles turn to curses, if you believe getting the job was a miracle, then it should only follow that you should view any hardship as a curse, in my view that is the problem with putting too much on the divine and not enough on yourself.

    why should anyone scold him, people love entertainment, and people love not being the subject of bullying themselves, so when he turned on you, then it is a combination of entertainment and relief, sure they probably feel a bit sorry for you, but they are glad it is not them that is being picked on, that is human nature.,

    this hardly the peak of wit and satire, did it ever occur to you that anyone making these utterances is only making themselves look stupid, all you really have to do is just look confused that anyone could be so stupid as to ask such questions. I always used to find, when I was wearing a turban, that a straightforward reply makes the other look completely foolish, and if they persist, then a simple ' these questions did not seem that important when our 9th Guru died, why are they important now?'

    Anything is mockable, personally, I give people plenty ammunition to mock me, my t shirt stained with yesterdays dinner, the wild hair, unshaven face, odd socks, etc etc, they could mock your nose, your colour, your house, anything, the question is whether you give any weight to such mocking, its easy to say rise above it, but do better than that, refuse to validate it, so it is their opinion, fine, big deal, my own personal reply is a standard, ' well that is your opinion and you are entitled to it' I never get drawn in, because as soon as I lower myself to that level, I have lost.

    of course, they are playing with you, just roll out the standard, well thats your opinion, and you are of course welcome to it,

    You need to address this issue, you should feel able to stand up for yourself, if you do not feel able, then learn, take up boxing, or a martial art, I knew a kid you like you when I was younger, he was not gay, but he had a feminine voice, and he was picked on a lot, he ended up body building, the last time I saw someone pick on him, his physique and bearing quickly defused the situation, its confidence, feeling that you are ok, your not a weirdo, your just ok, I would imagine your bearing makes you a target, well it won't if you look like you look after your body.
    we all can be
    free yourself from seeking validation from people that do not matter, you work there, hone a 'work personality' that gets your job done and makes it easy to interact with people, do your work then come home and be yourself. maybe you are trying to be too honest with people, don't, people do not appreciate honesty, it is seen as a sign of weakness. Be truthful, be tactful, be honest, but there is no need to be so honest that you do yourself damage.
     
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  11. Inderjeet Kaur

    Inderjeet Kaur
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    I saw this on Facebook and thought of your situation. toxic bullies.jpg
     
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  12. Navdeep88

    Navdeep88 Canada
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    I think the first reply was very thorough.

    I think you should stop giving so much weight to the opinions of others. And reading your writing (and belonging to this generation) I think a dose of gratitude would help.

    I find, in your writing, a view that Everyone is against you. That can't possibly be true. People are too often busy about their own life to truly worry about yours.

    So be thankful you have a job, you have an income. And be Spectacular at it!

    Win a few people over by showing how much you care and Ignore your bully.

    There is no such thing as a Perfect situation. It will never happen. You have the option to be thankful for what you have and extend it. Or overlook it and continue in what looks like Unhappiness.
     
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  13. Sikhilove

    Sikhilove United Kingdom
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    Good post, when someone does your nindya, it is a fear mechanism. A mix of jealousy (and a little lust). The answer is to remain as Nothing- in your heart and mind, remember that you are sh*t and that's it. Guruji himself referred to himself as lowest of the low, a lowly worm etc, if He could do it, then we also most certainly can humble ourselves to say the same.

    People do not realise that we are All the same, we are All One in Truth. It may sound silly but it is reality- people bully others out of an Ego trip, it fuels their false self identity. Take it to management and if they don't care, take it to higher management. Get stronger and do what you can not to set yourself up for bullying. If they smell fear, they'll attack, people prey on vulnerable people.

    Don't worry if they talk about your dastaar, or sexuality, that is just pettiness. These people when faced with a real challenge or someone they find intimidating wouldn't say or do anything, so try not to give them your attention or thoughts, and love them even if they harrass you, that's all we can do for our enemies- see them as God in another roop.

    p.s i've been through the same. Get strong, go to the gym and get stronger willed and make yourself understand that you are God and God is You, God is the powerhouse of these people, so as long as your at His feet, nothing and noones words can harm you, Truth is overall.
     

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