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Are you the right mate?

Discussion in 'Love & Marriage' started by spnadmin, Jun 22, 2010.

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  1. spnadmin

    spnadmin United States
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    Are you the right mate?



    Enough of preaching to a wife about how she must be. Isn't it time someone told the husband how he must be

    Years ago, along with tearful goodbyes, brides received a clutch of instructions on how to be a ‘good wife' — look nice when he returns home; talk to him with affection; keep the house clean; have a hot meal ready; listen; don't argue, complain, question; adjust; take care of his comfort.

    Laughable, isn't it? “Shouldn't moms give their boys a handbook on ‘How to be an ideal (okay, that's far-fetched!), a good husband'?” asks Kavi, listing its contents. “Consider yourself lucky you have a wife; get a good job, keep it, come home whistling happily; wife isn't always dying to know how bad your day was; fix dinner; take over kids' duties on weekends; and handover pay-cheque to her...”

    The tips
    Counsellor Brinda Jayaraman's good-husband tips fall into four areas —emotional, sexual, financial and social, with problems in the first three impinging on the fourth. “Participate in what she does, to show you care; recognise her needs as an equal sexual partner; be transparent about your finances while allowing her spending space; learn to respect her and her relationship with her family,” she says. Viewing wife with fear, insecurity and suspicion makes you a poor husband. Be alive to her feelings; order dinner if she looks tired (stir the sambar if she's answering the phone!); take interest in what she does; demonstrate how important she is to you...
    Brinda believes men need pre-marriage orientation. They need to learn about the balance between mother and wife; about his roles as partner and son-in-law. Women have cultural bindings that hold the marriage; he has to work at it. Appreciate her strengths, she says. “Men always boast of the wife to friends, where do those words go when she is around? It's about supporting her individual growth.”

    It's a simple do-it-yourself kit. Be a team player, think “our family” as opposed to “my family”. Be a patient listener — when your wife tells you her problems, she isn't necessarily looking for a solution; she's merely unburdening. Be respectful. Don't mock at the way she buys, dresses, cooks, or drives. Be sure to consult. Implementing plans is easier if both are involved. Remove ‘You won't understand' from your phrase list. Surprise her once in a while.

    Women can see through the ‘If you love me, you'll do it' trap. Express your problems; tell her you are hurt, without making her responsible for them. Good communication is the key. And ah, remember, there's only one set of rules for both.

    Hmmm… It's time we seriously looked into what someone said: “As a kid, I was taught to be a good student, kind sibling, loyal friend and efficient worker. I was advised on being a good son and father. At no point was I told how to be a good husband.”

    WHAT MATTERS…
    Help willingly, not because she nags
    Make her laugh
    Don't expect her undivided attention always
    Remember ‘Marriage is not about finding the right mate, it's being the right mate'

    The Hindu : Life & Style / Metroplus : Are you the right mate?
     

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  3. Astroboy

    Astroboy Malaysia
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    ਨਾਮ ਤੇਰੇ ਕੀ ਜੋਤਿ ਲਗਾਈ (Previously namjap)
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    Truly said.

    Narayanjot Kaur Ji,

    Yesterday I was reading about how women are more accurate in decoding non-verbal cues than men. It's a kind of learning process for me. Any clarification on this would be appreciated.
     
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  4. spnadmin

    spnadmin United States
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    I have also read/heard this NamJap ji. If I can find something reasonably coherent on the subject I will send/post it. There are so many articles that report how men are dominated by the left hemisphere of the brain, i.e., left-brain, and women are right-brain and therefore good decoders of emotions and non-verbal information. These articles are very popular. However they are based on bad research. Since 85 percent of all humans have a dominant left-brain, that claim leaves a lot to be desired. Will check and see what better research has to offer.
     
    #3 spnadmin, Jun 24, 2010
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 25, 2010
  5. Astroboy

    Astroboy Malaysia
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    ਨਾਮ ਤੇਰੇ ਕੀ ਜੋਤਿ ਲਗਾਈ (Previously namjap)
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    I keep bumping into phrases like: women take hints very well and read into things much more than men.
     
  6. spnadmin

    spnadmin United States
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    namjap ji

    Personally to me these kinds of statements are generalizations, and they may be way off the mark. I know many men who are better than I am at taking hints, and "reading into things." In other words they are not misled by appearances. And also men who are very good at understanding emotions and showing compassion.

    So either I know most of the exceptions, or there is something wrong with that statement.

    Why though is is necessary for "our cultures" to continue with these boxes where men go and where women go? welcomekaurwahkaur It reminds me of sharia of the mind.
     

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