Considering Cutting My Hair?

Gyani Jarnail Singh · #73 (**permalink**) 04-Apr-2012, 05:29 AM

WHY LIVE on FALSE HOPES..?? why try to cheat..lie (duplicity of hiding cut beard is a sort of lie..)...such sob stories sound like the Gay stories...a GAY son..trying desperately to hide...lie..cheat..in the same way...be a Man and Be YOURSELF. end all and be all. Sikhism/Gurmatt is a way of Life and cannot be FORCED..its 110% VOLUNTARY...a gay "sikh" came to me with the same exact problem...I told him the exact same answer/solution..face it and face your parents...
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OpenmindedSingh · #74 (**permalink**) 14-May-2012, 06:45 AM

I finally built up the courage to speak about this with my mom last night. She gave me the whole "don't come back home if you cut your dhari/hair," and the "if you want to cut your hair, don't expect to live here, I'll take away your car and credit cards." line.

Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/sikh-youth/38179-considering-cutting-my-hair.html
I called her today to say Happy mothers day and she said the same exact thing. I haven't talked to my dad about it and I'm not going to anymore.

I'm just really angry now and a million times more depressed. I can barely even focus on studying in preparation for final exams this upcoming week. If I had any doubts about the decision, they're gone. I'm definitely going to cut my hair now, and it's just a matter of when. I don't know, maybe I will find housing somewhere and leave home. I really don't know. I have another year as an undergraduate so I plan on getting a job and living away from home anyway. In this case, I'll never have to come back either.

I couldn't tell if she was trying to scare me or was being genuine, but whatever. I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable about Sikhi now, too, because she told me I'm not a Sikh if I trim my dhari. I always enjoyed going to Gurdwara and doing Seva and listening to Kirtan, but now I'm just going to hold off and go to a complete different Gurdwara than the one my family goes to. She gave me this whole lecture about how I can't be a Sikh without dhari/dastaar, but I told her how I feel uncomfortable and depressed, and she continued saying you can't be a Sikh without dhari/dastaar and that she would kick me out of the house if I cut my dhari/waal.
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=38179

I cried myself to sleep last night after that phone conversation and I just got off the phone with her an hour ago. I was crying to the extent where I had trouble breathing, but whatever, kind of sad that so many conservative Sikh parents are like this.

whatever, I'll just hold off another year and then move out. can't wait now either. Just 12 more months until I graduate. Thank God.

Kanwaljit Singh · #75 (**permalink**) 14-May-2012, 07:03 AM

Most of the times, it is between choosing what your parents want and what you want. Sometimes your parents think the best for you, but sometimes you are not ready for it. Things happen.. I hope you understand each other and move forward together. This too shall pass.

Luckysingh · #76 (**permalink**) 14-May-2012, 08:16 AM

Try not to worry.
Concentrate on your studies and exams as they are of greater importance.
What you have experienced from your mother, is a natural first reaction.
She thinks that you are just going through a moment of madness with this absurd idea.
She feels that you may do something that you regret because you haven't thought it through.
Her reaction is more from the shock of hearing something totally unexpected. She think's that you should know better.
With time, when she realises that you have given it much deep thought, then she may begin to understand how you feel and that it is not a moment of madness.

At the end of the day, no matter what your age, you are still your mother's little kid.
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=38179
That is how she will always see you and treat you. Her best interests are yours.
She feels her reactions and threats will help save you in the long run.

You have to understand her reaction and must not take anything to heart. If you were no longer accpetable to her or welcome, she wouldn't really be telling you. It's just that giving 'ultimataums' sometimes helps parents to convince their kids, in the best of their interests.
You will need to give it some time, a couple of weeks, maybe longer. Once you can tell her calmly and when she is calmer, that you have given the subject a great deal of thought. She will eventually start to see your point a little. NOTE- it will only be 'a little by little' that she may begin to understand you. Once this understanding barrier has been crossed, then she would convince herself to accept.
At first, it seems like a crazy, absurd idea. She thinks you've lost your mind!!

The important thing at this stage is to remain 'CALM'.
Don't do anything in retaliation or anger. Focus on your studies.
Don't start planning to adjust your life around her first reaction. Don't start planning to stay away or otherwise. -This will not resolve anything.
However, you will need to convince her that you understand her reaction and comments totally and that you expected them. Gettingacross to her is important. You must not give up trying to do this, although it may seem the only option for peace. But in general, it would not achieve any understanding and cause possible regret.
Your personal explanation, and getting it across, this way, she will realise that your head is screwed on and it's not a moment of madness. Once she realises that you have thought and thought this thoroughly, only then she may begin to feel some acceptance.
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=38179

It will take time, but stay calm and try to make her calm is the best thing you can do.
Just focus on your studies and exams as you don't want to mess up this moment in education.-That should be your priority.
This is my personal advice, as I have known too many students when I was studying that lost it all because of personal problems. So try not to let it interfere with your revision and exams.

Good Luck, your being honest, and that actually matters a lot. Honesty, is always an approach that isn't regrettable in the long run.

Inderjeet Kaur · #77 (**permalink**) 14-May-2012, 08:18 AM

OpenmindedSingh ji,

Please do not throw out your Sikhi with your hair.

Your mother is wrong; hair is not what makes you a Sikh. What makes you a Sikh (or not) is a particular way of being in this universe.

Only you can decide what is the right thing for you to do now. After you do it, you might be pleased or you might find out it was the wrong thing, after all. With or without kesh and dhari, you can be a Sikh.
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=38179

I think the idea to go to a different gurudwara is a good one.

As a mother myself, I can tell you that had my son cut his hair, it would have broken my heart. Broken hearts, however, do mend, after a fashion, and nothing could have made me love my son less. And your timing was off a bit. The night before Mother's Day is not a good time to spring it on your mother. Nor is before finals. File that away for future sufferance.
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=38179

My best to you and please keep writing here.

harry haller · #78 (**permalink**) 14-May-2012, 14:30 PM

Openmindedji,

I am sorry to read your post above, a few points for your perusal brother

1. You are confusing family pride with Sikhism, they are two different matters, what is happening here is nothing to do with Sikhism, but more to do with the way your parents wish you to behave. I am sure even atheist parents have the same problem keeping their kids off drink and soft drugs, dating etc. You should not take this is a divine judgement and it should not interfere with the relationship you have with Creator.

2. You are angry and depressed because as human beings we wish to be accepted for who we are, not who we wish we were.You want your mom to accept you regardless what you do, or what you look like. She on the other hand, having spent the last 20 years raising you, and feeding, clothing you, feels a certain sense that you are about to do something terribly wrong and will say or do almost anything to stop you doing this, I am sure she has shed a few tears too, possibly a few more than you, as she may unable to confide in her husband, your father, for fear of making things worse. I think you are being slightly selfish here in not understanding how painful it is for Sikh parents to watch their kids lose their physical identity.

3. Your post is bitter and angry, if you are not careful, you are going to lose your family, albeit in the short term, and you are about to bring a lot of sadness into several lives, what your mom is saying, not in the most diplomatic fashion, is that while you live under the umbrella of the family, credit cards etc, you should respect the way of the family. Sometimes we do things for reasons we are completely unaware of, sometimes we want things for reasons we do not know, I sense a rebellious streak in you, the desire to be your own person, not a clone of the family, is it this streak driving you to show the rest of the world you can be your own person? but at what cost?
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=38179

Let me give you an analogy, a family had a successful business, and had one son, the father had put everything in this business, and it had grown into a well oiled money making machine, business was done with honour, truth, happy customers, happy suppliers, as the father grew old, he wished his only son to take it over, but the son wanted to be an airline pilot, it was always understood that the son would take over, but one day the son revealed he wished to leave the home and become a pilot. This family would suffer in exactly the same way as yours, it has nothing to do with religion or God. It has everything to do with tact, diplomacy, understanding, compassion, gratitude and TIMING.

No one is saying do not live your own life, but the way you are dealing with this problem is as a child, you want something, and you are willing to put these needs and wants above everyone elses, no matter what the consequences.
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=38179

My advice? You wish to do something, your parents wish you not. Welcome to life in millions of Sikh, Hindu, Christian and Atheist households, deal with the problem with love, truth, understanding and compassion, if I were you, I would set a date, say age 22, and if by that time, you are still feeling as you are, you should be allowed to do what you want, this means that firstly those around you are aware of how you feel, and secondly, you all have time to get used to it, and maybe your parents will use the time to gently let family know, so that it is not a huge shock to all and sundry.

You will then be able to achieve what you wish with some dignity, and by causing the least amount of heartache,

Good Luck

Parma · #79 (**permalink**) 15-May-2012, 00:29 AM

When I was a child I had a top-not as they call it in the UK. I was told that without the hair I was not a sikh and that it was a gift from god and that it should never be cut I was sent to indian school to brush up on my punjabi and learn about our culture, I heard the most glorious stories about how sikhs had died defending the dastaar I became myself quiet bold in my defence of the dastaar thinking this is something that god gave me. Me being quiet young I did not have the knowledge of life but only the knowledge that was taught to me by these institutions i.e; the indian school club, the gurdwara and home. They gave me a thinking or a sense that a man should rather die then let the dignity of the dastaar be humiliated. I had a lot of stick as a child off some other young sikhs and from other children from other cultural backgrounds aswell regarding my appearance with my top-not, to me it was a gift from god so I accepted it. Then came a time I had a dispute with another child at school, as young kids do. This dispute ended up in a fight between the two of us this other child was from a different cultural background as the fight ensued the child knocked it causing me even further anger, but it was still in tact after the fight and mainly because my mother had tied it well. As I grew up my thinking in this point became quiet extreme as I was begining to realies what the concept of god was, and so this "gift" from god became more of a priority to me. With these thoughts in my mind I had a thought, that had another fight ever happened as they do when your young and they did when I went to high school I would now have been in jail for maybe mass murder or maybe dead myself for defending it, which would have been complete and utter madness and would not have looked very good for sikhism as that would have been reported across the media aswell because I was so against anyone touching the top-not or causing any humiliation to it as it was taught to me as a "gift" from god. I realised what the concept of "god" was but this gift made no sense. In hindsight, luckily for me before I went to high school my mother became ill and as I was young I was unable to look after the hair the result being my family and me deciding to have it cut. God's gift is human life, not hair on its own. Growing up now I understand what the metaphor of the dastaar is and that it is not to be taken so literally, it is about oneself. Any persons life is worth more than hair, regardless of what any extremist religious fanatic tells you. God preserved the Guru Granth Sahib to preserve human life not just hair. The opposite of what would have happened due to wrong understanding and it is what is being preached within our communities, we have been lucky that cases of the above have not happened on scale before as some young men lack the determination to follow a belief and just follow for the sake of keeping others happy. If we had born into our communities more children with more determination to uphold their beliefs the outcomes could have been quite catastrophic. Lucky most sikhs in the west are relaxed in their views now. From some chap knocking my top-not off I was willing to knock out the life of some poor chap, maybe not so much of a poor chap, maybe that guy did deserve a knocking but not so much to an extent to knock the life out the chap. Everything has its balance.
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=38179
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=38179
peacesign

Kamala · #80 (**permalink**) 15-May-2012, 05:25 AM

Sorry, I did not read the whole thing, but if you trim your hair, you might as well just cut the whole thing since it is of no use now.

Kamala · #81 (**permalink**) 15-May-2012, 05:29 AM

Quote:

hair is not what makes you a Sikh

^ I agree, although it is a big part, it means nothing to people in kal yug (although it should). Just like how some of the major teachings here may be manipulated, as I have seen a thread where they tried to look at quotes negatively :P also if you think you will feel bad for it, it's your fault L0L!