Cutting My Hair?

I am looking for some advice but I wont ask any particular question for which an answer I expect you to provide. Please have a read and give me your thoughts, I dont mind what you say, but I encourage you to share them without hesitating.

Firstly I will tell you a little about myself and my problems. When I was a teenager I became caught up in all this religious fervour and committed myself for a life of righteous living. It is something I scarcely share the same enthusiasm for these days. Then I had decided, quite passionately, that I wanted to be a "proper" sikh, with all that entailed. I plunged myself heart first into the mystical world of Sikhi. As one can imagine, the romanticism did not last long and now I am left at cross-roads.

Unashamedly like every single human being to have ever lived, I had been looking for a "fix" for my life. And i thought religion was the way to do it. Well religion can give you many things - it can give your life meaning, it can give you friendship, community - it can even give you happiness and euphoria. All these things I attained in various degrees through my religious experiences.

But (personal) religion never improved my character, it did not make me stronger or give me any useful wisdom. It did not add to the moral framework I had adopted from my parents, nor did it solve any of my problems. In fact it only added to them because to a dreamer like me, so-called enlightment is only a prescription for greater dreaminess - going further away from reality - and becoming skeptical of, and growing distant from, worldy affairs.
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/sikh-youth/15042-cutting-my-hair.html

In fact what I had needed all along was not greater solitude - I needed far less. I needed to immerse myself in the real world and be more worldy. I have done this now, and seen how it has given my life meaning. I have a purpose now: to earn an honest living - to provide for my family - to become successful in my career. To be in contact with many people and actively socialise with many others. Further to achieve these ends does not require me to be particularly religious, nor do i think it is even a requirement at all.

Religion, now, is actually in my way from achieving those things. When i walk into an interview, I am immediately conscious of looking strange with my beard. You try to cut a clean professional image - but it doesnt help to have all that facial hair. I have brothers who are clean shaven and they look so crisp and fresh, and I simply do not. I actually havent got much of a problem with my self image - but i am aware that others might, and that itself is the problem.

Further my experience with girls is such that I am aware that few of them are willing to consider a kesh-dhari for a mate. It is usually an unsaid thing, and only one of these girls has been obnoxious enough to admit it forthright, but it is evident that it a turnoff to most girls - sikh girls included. I am nearing marriage and I realise my options have been limited greatly already.
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=15042

This shouldnt be a problem. There are singhs out there who manage to lead rich fulfilled lives despite all the discrimination. I applaud them and once aspired to be such a person. But my situation is unique. I can imagine another sikh in my place dealing with others with humour, confidence and comfort. I simply cannot do this - and if try - well it is too obvious that i am trying and it becomes awkward for not only myself, but to the other person.

I have a cousin who has a great personality and trims his beard despite wearing a turban. I think he made the right decision. He still gets to be a singh but doesnt have the rest of the problems that I have. He is lucky and I think he got it right, while i got it wrong. I realise I have just outlined a standard problem with no expectation of a novel solution, but that is it - please share your thoughts.

 
Do share your immediate thoughts or reactions on this issue? We value your views! Login Now! or Sign Up Today! to share your views with us.. Gurfateh!

Whatever else, I admire your frank honesty and the fact you've stuck to it so far.

Just some thoughts: Your obviously very intelligent and articulate. I think maybe you are going through that phase that many guys experience where you are a tad bit unsure of yourself.

You may find that this phase will end pretty quickly. In regard to the work based social contact you talked about....

Just relax, don't try to be over friendly and don't isolate yourself either. From my experience working in a predominantly white environment I found that some people will find any reason to make you feel bad or alienated. Even if you didn't have a pagh dhara, it could as easily be your skin colour. You have to just focus on your job and not make the mistake of tying your whole life around it. When you leave the office (or whatever) make something nice to go home to and forget it all. Singh, whether you have a turban and beard or not, believe you me at all work places their will be those who, for whatever reason, just take a dislike to you and bring their negative bull in your vicinity. Avoid them as much as you can. Similarly, there will be those that are open minded and get on with you.
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=15042
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=15042

Just find your "centre", find your confidence and it should shine through. Plus I know a good few turbanned guys with beautiful girlfriends/wives so you know, it isn't like your future is set in stone. Confidence Singh, without arrogance. Girls love confidence and intelligence. You've got the latter, now just find your feet and develop the former. And remember we all go through things that knock our confidence now and then, learning to build yourself up after these things is what will give you real character and strength. You'll be cool.

Just thank Waheguru you weren't born a dumbo!

Well, what an unusually honest post. That is something one does not see everyday.

I think you should do what you think is best. Cliche, yes, but true also. To what degree you feel the kes and appearance effect you, that is something only you can say. I do not keep hair, nor ever have. If you feel that it is something you would try without, no one really can stop you nor should they, as most sikhs have cut their hair. Obviously, appearance in the west, is most important. Many people will make a negative judgement based upon pagdri and all, let us be honest. Usually out of ignorance, sometimes just stupidity, or both plus bigotry.

As for girls and wives, well, let me blunt. There is always India. And at least many of those women know how to cook well and know the language better and traditions better. Now mind you, many in the west do too, and many in India also do not, but your chances are obviously better back "home". But honestly, if one's interest is in Sikhi, appearance and culture is still accepted back in India.
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=15042
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=15042

So, good luck to you! Be well. Do not dwell on any problem too long, nor be too negative. I wish you good luck and good fortune.

You have probably read, but I post for those interested in a successful, young sikh:

SikhNet News Archive - Meet the chic sikh: article first published 08/15/2006

And

SikhNet News Archive - House of Waris: article first published 01/10/2007

and

http://www.sikhnet.com/Sikhnet/news....9!OpenDocument

Well, skeptik, here goes! A woman's perspective. For the moment, consider that hair is not the issue. That the issue is weight, or complexion, or a slight speech impediment. Yes, there will always be women who will turn away, even intelligent women who should "know better". Appearance is the first layer of reality in any encounter, and in every culture there is an "ideal appearance" that most of us don't possess. And many people don't go beyond appearance, especially in the West. To be merely "average looking" is a curse, and if you are average looking, you are expected to compensate by having a "great personality."

What is that all about? You don't really want to get caught up in all of that! It is a waste of time and energy.

If you hole up inside of yourself, you won't meet anyone, let alone someone to spend a lifetime with. If you work on developing "that great personality" you will end up emotionally exhausted and at odds with yourself. That is not where the Guru wants you to be.
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=15042
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=15042

Be yourself and follow your own path. Check periodically to see if you are on the right path. You will know because at the end of the day you won't feel drained and lonely. Of course, make sure that your path doesn't somehow have signs all about that say "No women allowed."

It doesn't hurt to explore: Sikh speed-dating, matrimonials, India, etc., but a better bet would be to find some solid and caring brothers who are looking for a great husband for a fine sister.

You will attract someone who wants to walk with you because she enjoys your energy, your desire to share your energy; and in her eyes you, and your hair, will be her crowning glory. No one else will even come close.

dear skeptik

i belong to a middle class family.i have a relative who is turbanned.he is a moron.his i.q is low.he don't do anything but even he got married.i simply
don't understand why successful sikhs like you are worried about marriage.
in india a lot of sikhs will happily marry their daughter to you.why to go for girls which are just looking for appearance.do you think they will raise good families.even if you got your hair cut don't go for these types of girls.

WJKK WJKF

Skeptic
You need to stop worrying about what others think and as Dal Singh said be confident in yourself. We are sometimes are our own worse critics. We don't know what others are thinking, but read to much into the situation. I'm sure you've heard of the saying "Don't judge a book by it's cover", but we all do it. However so long as you are happy within yourself, it doesn't matter what others think.

As for marriage…..(I was thinking of posting a new thread about arranged marriage, people experiences and what people put down as their requirements.)
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=15042
However, it seems that marriage itself has become a complete joke. I know you feel that being kesh-dhari is limiting your options, but I will like to share with you that my cousin (who is 33yo and clean-shaven) has been looking for a suitable girl since he was 28yo and the reasons I hear: she's overweight, too career-minded (not traditional), or too pendoo (list could go on and on). Also there have been plenty of times where he has been rejected for one reason or another, one of them being that he lives in an extended family and plans to do so after marriage. I sometimes wonder if these are not reasons but excuses because people do not want to get married. Like Badmash said "you could always go to India", but marriage is not something to be taken lightly. It's not about finding a wife who will accept you and your hair, it's about finding a soul-mate. One who will accept you for who you are and who will work with you in your bad times and good. So what I'm basically trying to say is please don't feel that your hair is limiting your options. Maybe as aad0002 suggested, try other avenues as well to meet women.

You may think your cousin has got it right, but maybe secretly he is wishing he could be like you. I know I look at Sikh girls with their dastaar and question myself why am I struggling to keep my hair. Please think back to why you kept your kesh other than the religious side of it. You mentioned that you become a "proper Sikh" but I'm not sure whether you are an Amritdhari. Hair is important part of Sikhism, but if it is really making you unhappy and you feel it is a restricting you (and make sure they are reasons not excuses) then what would be the implications/problems for you to cut your hair and/or trim your beard. It was your choice in the start and your choice now.