HELP!!! Sikh Guy with White English Girl

Good afternoon all.

I am new to this site and this is my first thread, so please be kind.

Right where do I begin.
I've been dating this girl for around 6 months now, but we've had to keep our relationship secret from her family, due to me not being a Sikh, being white and also her parents wanting her to have an arranged marriage.

She has alway quite openly given her objections about how an arranged marriage would not work for her, that she wants to be in Love before she marries, but her dad has told her if that is the case then she will have to deal with the consequences.
Also she has been told she will be marrying a Jatt Sikh, which is considered quite a good due to Jatt's being associated with landowners, but she has always told me that is against what Sikhism is about, equality.
After joining this forum, and reading quite a number of threads seems to back her view up.

Her sister recently found out about us, the reaction wasn't good.
She told her to dump me asap, to which she started telling her 'do you know how this will affect our parents, it will destroy them' etc.
She continued, with saying how she didn't know what she really wanted, and should go and see a doctor, he might refer her to a councillor, believing the only reason she was with me, was to take her mind off not having a job(she graduated from University about a 2-3 years ago).
The thing she has told me that her sister has also had a long term relationship in secret while at university herself, but broke it off at the end of University, due to her parents and in the future having an arranged marriage herself.
The main reason why I've added this, I was wanting other people’s opinions on this, how can she advise her on all the above, when she herself, by her own standards has betrayed her parents.
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/love-and-marriage/32545-help-sikh-guy-white-english-girl.html
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=32545
The only difference is her sister hasn't followed her heart and told her parent about this relationship.

Which leads me onto the main reason why I've decided to write this thread, She has said that she wants to be 100% certain that I am right for her before she tells her parents about me, to which she has said she is 90% certain at the moment, but wants some more time to get to know me better.
Which I am perfectly fine with, however I am worried, since the longer she leaves telling her parents the more angry they will be, due to her having to lie to them where she is going for the weekend, and when they find out say we've together for over a year, I'm not sure how they will react.

Thanks for reading my post; I hope everyone has a good weekend.

Scott.D

 
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Hi Scott
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=32545

Like Shakespeare said: "The course of truelove never did run smooth"

Personally I think honesty is always the best policy and your partner will have to come clean with her family, even more so now that her sister already knows

Sadly, there's a bit of a ticking time bomb that's pretty much guaranteed to explode and the longer you leave it, the bigger the explosion will be

She will also be put under increasing pressure to do the arranged marriage thing and her parents will probably start arranging interviews with eligible guys and she will say No to them, which isn't really fair to those guys or their families

So my advice would be to get this out into the open sooner than later and certainly before any interviews are arranged
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=32545

Good luck and I wish you both well

Dear scott

Many times elder Children are quite mature and do understand the family situation much better than there younger siblings.If your Gfs elder sister had broken her Relationship it means she very well knows that There parents are not going to accept these type of Relationships

Unlike others I just want to say that there is very good chance that your GF is going to be disowned by her Family if she marries you.So be prepared for the consequences and ask Your Gf that is she ready to leave her family? If not then you should end this Relationship

Scott,

Greetings.

You have out yourself in a jam to put it lightly. Let's try to dissect the situation in a pragmatic manner which Sikhi is based on.

1. Why isn't your gf working? What are the hiccups?
2. Can your work support both of you and the kids you may plan to have?
3. Can your value system compliment hers or would it create a conflict?
4. As alcohol is forbidden in Sikhi, do you both or either of you drink?
5. Does any of her family member drink?

As her parents are adamant that she is going to marry into a Jatt family, it shows that it is not about Sikhi but of a tribal mentality which can put yours and/or her life in jeopardy. Just keep in mind her sister's decision to breakup with a person and the reasons behind it.
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=32545

So, I would ask you to think about all these things. Once you do, then you may really find the true meaning of love which is for the welfare of the ones we claim to love.

Good luck.

Regards

Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=32545
Tejwant Singh

Good evening all.

My apologies with replying so late.

Can I just thank everyone for their input in this situation.

I think I can do a joint answer for part of both of your Comments Kanwardeep Singh & Tejwant Singh, with regards to potential consequences of my gf's actions with her parents/family
She has had relationships before me, when she’s been at University, ranging from 4 months, to over a year and all of them she has had to say she’s going to have to break up with them , due the situation with her family.
It’s been about two years since she's been in a relationship, that’s when she met me.
She has told me that she does feel different about me compared to the others, and in some certain respects that I'm giving her the courage to be able to tell her parents about us.
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=32545
To which I'm not overly happy about because this is such a big decision for her, but it should be her choice alone and not influenced by me.
As you've said Kanwardeep, her family may disown her, she has mentioned that possibility, but she's said to me, that she just wouldn't be able to cope with the arranged marriage.
I think it’s because of this that she is taking her time and thinking it through properly before any rash decisions are made, which is a good thing, since I don't want her regret it and then perhaps resent me because of the consequences with her family.

Also I'd just like to mention, that it is just her immediate family who are like this, one of her cousins is in actual fact married to a white man, and according my gf, her parents were angry to begin with not because he was white or any of things I said in above about myself and my gf, but more due to the fact she just announced to them that they were getting married right out of the blue.


In answer to you set questions Tejwant.

1. The main reason why she isn't working is due to her graduating just as the recession hit us in the UK, and the industry she wants to work in has been hit quite badly.
She has done much internship as well, to try and get more experience so she can put it in her CV to make her more employable, but is still finding it quite tough.

2. I believe my own job can support both of us, however having children would make it difficult, but it could be possible (there is no such thing as you can't do something in my mind, just different routes you have to take to get there)
That said though she has always told me she wants to work, and not just be a sit at home wife, making the tea & popping out the babies as she put, which is fine by me I’ve always wanted a 50/50 relationship, so I can glad we have the same views on that.
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=32545

3. What do you mean by value system, are you referring to Morals and ethics, if so yes our Morals and ethics are very similar, I think that’s one of the reasons why we do so well as a couple.

4. Yes both her & myself drink, although not excessively, especially myself.
I'm going to sound quite odd now, but I don't like to drink much because it reduces your testosterone levels, which impacts on my exercise and doing my sports,

5. Her sister drinks, but I’m not sure about her mum, dad & brother, I do know that most of her extended family do drink as well.


Thanks again for spending the time to read my post and also to reply to it.

Regards.

Scott.D

scott ji

It is interesting that you have focused in so many words more on respected Tejwant Singh's question about drink. But you have not responded to, or perhaps avoided, this part of his reply. What are your thoughts?

Dear scott

I don't want to break your heart but If she had broken her previous relationships then there is very good chance that she may break with you.You are saying that she is said she feels special with you ,Are you 100% sure that she had not said it to her previous B/Fs.With time we all get changed,Your Relationship is just 6 months old,Give it time like 3-4 years and then decide.Today she is saying that she won't be able to cope with arrange marriage may be tomorrow her family introduce to a guy with whom she find things comfortable then what?

Scott

Please look at following thread on another sikh forum.It has account of 3 white women who have dated and are pregnant by their sikh B/fs ,but all of them have written that their sikh B/fs have clearly told them they can't marry them as they cannot go against their family.If Boys can't do it you can imagine how difficult it is for a girl to go against their family
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=32545
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=32545

http://www.sikhnet.com/discussion/vi...php?f=4&t=3844

My dear fellow SPNers

I think we are all agreed that family, especially a proud Jatt family as Tejwant Ji noted earlier, is the big problem

Question I would like to pose is do Scott and his partner abandon all hope now or do they try communicating with the family first?
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=32545
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=32545

This is something Scott's partner will have to think about very carefully

But as I said earlier, some sort of decision has to be taken soon...secrecy and going behind people's backs always backfires in the end