If marriage is sacred .....?

Ok so here I am, 30 something white girl, divorced, mother of 2, woman of good character, hard working and independent ..... Involved with a Sikh man. I have always been fascinated by religion in general and with Sikhism in particular. It has, at its purist, seemed to me to be a spiritual ideal. All the equality, love, humanitarianism, enlightenment! But, like all the other religions I'm afraid it harbours so much hypocrisy. Becoming emotionally involved with a Sikh and seeing the inner workings of the community has, I'm sad to say, dulled the shine for me on what seemed such a beautiful way of life. The question that rises in my mind is this: if marriage is, in Sikhism, so sacred, something that is about uniting as one spirit in two bodes, bring you closer to God ..... Why is it that so many are trapped in miserable, loveless marriages where they are constantly engaging in "an adulterous relationship" with someone else who they truly love? Why can't they marry the one who truly completes them and would be the one with who they could commune toward greater enlightenment and a deeper bond with God? It just seems so sad, so unfair to all.

 
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Stacia ~

Please do not confuse Punjabiat or Punjabi-ism with Sikhism. The two are distinct and seperate!

Stacia Ji ,
It is my full faith that any two persons from whatever diverse background come say if the boy is a Punjabi & the girl is from Brazil ( South American ) . At the first look they simply do not have any match but if both of them follow the Sikh faith diligently , practice it in totality I assure you within a matter of months they shall be as compatible as Gurbani tells them to be two bodies with a single soul . I have this on my blog article on complete Sikh Marriage called the ANAND KARAJ . Please go through it once .The link is as follows
http://dalbirk.blogspot.com/2010/01/anand-karaj.html
The problem arises when one or both the partners do not know at all or are unable to understand the message of Guru Sahibaans in totality . In Punjab the situation is so bad that barely less than 1% of the total Sikhs can spell out the names of ten Gurus in sequence .0001% know the contents of Sikh Rehat Maryada a mere 13 page document . Punjabis are more greedy than Americans , of more loose character than Thais , more into eat drink & make merry than whole of the world , consume more drugs than the South americans you name the quality they have it . Please excuse my choice of words actually I am explaning the ground situation not going overboard . So don't get disheartened by a few PUNJABI JOKERS . Have faith in the Guru & look for His blessings follow His words only . rest everything will fall into place like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle . But remember to learn PUNJABI foremost . It will help you in more ways than one .

Not only do I thank you dalbirk ji, but I praise and commend you for writing something, taking the time, to build the morale, spirit and sense of hope for another person, and a new member. And with such kind words.

I understand what you're saying ..... And I thank you for the comment. I find it frustrating thought that as a white woman, I am regarded as fickle and having loose marals. I swear that most people of my culture are far more uptight and puritanical than what I've seen in the Punjabi (so-called Sikh) community because while all cultures have a certain degree of promiscuity I have heard of waaaay more willy-nilly sex amongst this group!

I enjoy the food, the music, the family unity of the culture and as I have meniined before, I feel a very strong pull toward the faith but, I'm not sure that I would ever be truly accepted amongst the community. To be talked about behind the hand and treated as though I was "beneath" them may end up making me jaded as I try to live (and teach my children to) a life of truth, honesty and equality for all regardless of race, religion, gender etc. Any thoughts on dealing with these issues?

The distinction between those that claim to hold an belief system as their own and the actual ideology must always be made. For example in Sikhism it says that one can't get a haircut nor drink alcohol but yet Sikhs have the biggest reputation for drinking and having cut hair is more acceptable in Punjabi culture but that doesn't mean that cutting hair and drinking alcohol are all of a sudden okay because a large chunk of those that profess belief are now doing those things.
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/love-and-marriage/31831-if-marriage-is-sacred.html
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=31831

One of the biggest problems with the Sikh religion right now is that the so called "believers" are trying to dictate the nature of the dogma when dogma is supposed to dictate the nature of the believer. This is making the word Sikh into a hollow title that one is given at birth like a nationality or ethnic group instead of what it was originally intended to be which is much more. Just remember that when looking into the religion to not judge it by the reputation of its followers but from the actual tenants of the faith.

stacia ji

You may never change the way some are treating you. And you may not even have a right to ask another person to change.

What you can do is stop giving them so much power over you and your emotions.

Ask yourself if you have taken responsibility for the things where you have a duty to be responsible? Were you truthful and genuine? Were you positive and helpful? Were you open to contact and friendship? Did you show respect and compassion? If the answer is Yes, your work is done.

Now it is their turn to do some work. If they chose not to, then don't let them have access to places in your heart where they can do some damage. Take control.

Practice kind and compassionate confrontation. Say "Bibi X ji, You said (repeat what was said) or Bibi X ji You did (describe what was done). I am hurt by this because it makes me feel (describe how you feel in your own words ). It makes me feel this way because.....I would like to change how we interact. What can you and I do to make it better?"

The first time is hard. After that it is easy. But you need to do this if you plan to have longterm contact with people who are insulting you.

Be specific about words and actions. Don't talk about attitudes that you think are there.

And if you are greeted with sarcasm? If you are rejected? You know then nothing more can be done and that you have paved the right way for yourself. Walk in that direction and don't be distracted. Because many people will live and die in a world they have created from anger, jealousy and envy. Accept this as their defeat. It has nothing to do with you. They lost the battle long ago before they even knew you.
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=31831

Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=31831

And one last thought. As long as two people can keep a conversation going, there is always a hopeful future.

Stacia ji,
Oh, I empathize with your disappointment of discovering that all that is Punjabi is not Sikhi! Many who identify as Sikh, who can impressively recite the Bani by heart and practice all the ceremonies, (plus some from other faiths), are not by any stretch to be considered Khalsa (pure). From the outside, Sikhi with all its ideal principles appears to be the saving grace of humanity, but from the inside, we can see all the flaws that exists within any culture or religious group. Remember, those you meet are PRACTICING the Sikh faith, yet none have PERFECTED themselves through it. We wouldn’t be here, in form, if we didn’t still have something to learn from life, right?
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=31831

Read the Sri Guru Granth Sahib ji starting here: http://www.sikhitothemax.com/page.asp?SourceID=G&PageNo=0001. Read it carefully and decide if what is written as the Word of God (Gurbani) resonates within you as the truth. If these Words are confirmation of the truth that already lives within you, you are a Sikh. Whether you meet with the approval of community or family circle, despite following the Sikh principles, is of no concern to God.

Sometimes, we are presented with duties (hukams) which are difficult. Sometimes God likes to make statements about the unity of diversity by drawing people together, who seem to have no commonality whatsoever, but still, they get along and become great friends to one another.

Sometimes it takes an outsider, practicing Sikhi with a degree of devotion and diligence beyond the pale of reproach to remind others of how Guru Nanak Dev ji meant it to be practiced.
Reference:: Sikh Philosophy Network http://www.sikhphilosophy.net/showthread.php?t=31831

I am smiling, thinking of the resistance you are likely putting up toward the choices you will have to make, so I will just leave you with these Words by Guru Amar Daas Ji from Siree Raag 26 (http://www.sikhitothemax.com/page.as...ID=G&PageNo=26):

Whatever pleases God's Will comes to pass. Nothing else can be done.