Sikh Philosophy Network - Blogs - harry haller

fuzzy

harry haller — Thu, 23 May 2013 21:04:13 GMT

The drugs are making me fuzzy, I am in two minds as to whether I should keep taking them, I was in the butchers yesterday, buying some duck eggs for the ferrets, and the butcher looked at me and said 'harry, have you been smoking something bad', 'of course not' , I replied, and then promptly walked into his veg display and knocked it over.

Ok , good points, no sex drive, no stress, no anger, no frustration, no irritation,

bad points, its artificially induced, I have learned nothing, there is no wisdom, no understanding, no enlightenment, I have not come to any sort of peace with my inner self, I am merely relying on chemicals to balance me, and another thing, Skoda make this great car, the superb, and it is huge, and economical, has a 1.4 litre engine, and also, James Blunt makes great music.

I had dinner with my stepson today, he remarked he preferred me when I was mad, 'how can I say this Harry, but your just a bit boring at the moment', he is right, I feel boring, I am flatlined,

I almost feel writing this blog is pointless, what am I going to write about, knitting patterns maybe, or cooking tips, somehow, the struggle between man and wolf seems a lot more glamorous than what is currently in my head, at present, I cannot imagine the torture that I used to call life, all madmen grow old though, and if they do not mellow with age, they die, they burn out in a brilliant implosion, the truth is, if I did not have a wife, a stepson, a mum and dad, a brother, my dogs, (not the cat, I don't like the cat), then I would probably choose to burn out, I could do a lot in two years, it would be a lucid dream, with no consequences, dead already, its my birthday today, I have left Sian, Tom and the animals at home, they wanted to watch a film with me, but Sian caught my eye, and she knew , she knew that I needed the solitude I craved, the solitude I crave every birthday, to look back, think, so I left them in bed, with the dogs, and a big tub of ice cream, to come here to the shop, to play cat stevens, to sing along to 'wild world', and look back at my life

So many cars, so many loves, friends, some dead, I guess we all have to grow up sometime, I wonder if that Skoda comes with an extended warranty and dog guard

for ex madmen only

harry haller — Wed, 22 May 2013 07:09:17 GMT

wolves, clowns, all gone, this blog is about to get very boring indeed, the medication, citalopram, is designed to feed the addictive nature of my brain, and sure enough, it has worked, my sex drive has plunged, my appetite for tasty food has vanished, I have not had an alcoholic drink since,

I have a real bond with Rory, as we have both been castrated in some respect, the madness has gone, the internal struggle has gone, sure it is a bit confusing, I am not quite sure who I am anymore, a customer came in with a friend yesterday, I could tell that the friend had been geared up to expect a show from a madman, there seemed to be some disapointment at the lack of entertainment, I was dressed tidy, I looked normal, no food stains down my t shirt, the shop is tidy, metallical is not blaring so the whole parade of shops can hear it, in fact, I am developing a real liking for James Blunt,

Sian is relieved, but I think I have put her through hell, there is so much to do in the house, I am constantly busy, I am wondering who did all this when I was playing with the fairies, (guess, yeah, Sian), I feel a twinge of sadness that I have had to wait 43 years to feel like this, to feel normal, but I guess its all part of the journey, I think I have taken a lot, from my family, from Sian, my friends, they have all put up with me, tolerated me, because I guess they love me, I have a lot of giving back to do, especially my parents

an apt quote

harry haller — Fri, 17 May 2013 17:04:51 GMT

�The bird fights its way out of the egg. The egg is the world. Who would be born must first destroy a world. The bird flies to God"

― Hermann Hesse, Demian

for madman only (II)

harry haller — Fri, 17 May 2013 16:41:34 GMT

Is there an age limit for being mad? I do not mean stark raving loony tunes, but just a bit mad, slightly mad, mad enough to see things differently, to reject what most people would accept as life, to want to know more, to embrace wisdom, enlightenment, but that isn't madness is it, no madness is behaving, acting in a way that does not conform, although, acting is not true madness, and if you think your mad, then by default you cannot be mad.

Wolves, elves, imps, the images we use to define ourselves, to encapsulate what we feel, it is everything, and it is nothing, it encapsulates perfectly, and it encapsulates nothing, oh the duality of it all.

Being ill has convinced me that I have done my howling, I am just too old to howl anymore, every man comes to a point where real howling is not to howl, just as the drug addict savours the high of being sober, when you have chased the dragon to the end, the only high is no high, I am done howling.

So what now, it cannot just be switched off, at will, I may be a bear confused about his sexuality (haha bi polar), or I could label myself manic depressive, I just don't know.

However, if I had a broken arm, I would go straight to the doctor, I would use logic, use my brain, I know only two well that praying or begging Creator for help is pointless, the way forward is to use wisdom to solve the problem, I spoke to a customer, he looked bemused, why dont you put your faith in your religion, pray, there must be some ritual you can carry out, or some chant when you feel a bit mad, I could not help giving him a withering look, 'the way I follow is not a religion', I replied. 'It is a way of life, there are no miracles, no short cuts, '

So I bit the bullet and made an appointment to see the doctor, who turned out to be a huge canadian, after spending 10 minutes describing my mental state, he nodded, grunted, I also mentioned that the medication he had prescribed for my wife when her mother had died, had completely killed her libido, and if he could do something about that too, that would be great,. he grunted again, paused, scratched his head, 'how would you like your drives to be in perfect harmony' he said 'yes brilliant that would be brilliant', I replied, brilliant......

10 mins later sat in the Range Rover, which is daily developing more and more faults, just to make my life complete, I pondered over what the good Doctor had advised, full blood tests for cholestorol and sugar, no more kebabs, take aways, thai green curry, burgers, crisps, energy drinks, chocolate, at least an hours walking with the dogs a day, the most potent antibiotics he could prescribe, as my ears were as red as a baboons ****, and if I was really serious about giving up howling, a mild anti depressant, in fact the same one the wife is on, (guaranteed impotency in 2 weeks or your money back), so its been a week, and yes, the howling has stopped, food has become fuel, to be chosen wisely for its value rather than its taste, cuddles and hugs have become a means of touching base with the wife, rather than a prelude to something else, and, I have become more shy, I am not the extrovert I used to be, normally I am constantly drawing attention to myself, silly voices, manic laughter, silly jokes, at the moment I just want to blend in the background, have I lost a part of me? hell, yes, I have lost all of me, everything that defined me was in the howling, the clown, the wolf, the man, thats who I was, I feel like superman after he has been exposed to kryptonite, Im just an average joe now, I have even stuck the Range Rover for sale,

Sian is unconcerned, other than being happy that I seem to have found some sort of peace, she faithfully believes that I have merely gone from one extreme to another, and in time, I will find the mid ground, the balance, these are interesting times for madmen, and ex madmen too.

Another funny story, and Rory is castrated

harry haller — Wed, 15 May 2013 06:57:22 GMT

My dad rang me the other day, apparantly his phone rang at 2.20 am, and noting it was my number calling, he answered it, thinking something was wrong.

On answering, all he could hear was a low growling, so he truned to my mom and said, thats it, he's finally turned into a wolf, after a few minutes of attempted conversation, and the sound of the phone being chewed, he realised one of the puppies had got hold of my phone and hung up.

The culprit was of course Rory, who I have a feeling is going to be a problem dog, he is forever bullying Bran, and for some reason is fascinated by Brans back leg, which is how I think managed to break. On monday Rory was starting to show new signs of aggressive behaviour, so yesterday, we had his bits chopped off. Apparantly it will turn him into a calm focused and aware dog.

Hell if it works for him, I might even try it myself

the howling is a mere whisper

harry haller — Wed, 15 May 2013 06:43:23 GMT

I am still ill, well, when I say ill, I mean unwell, sore throat and no hearing, I feel like someone has hammered a huge bengan into each ear, the pressure is painful, but not terrible, I have to accept that the pressure seems to have either driven out my wolf, or put him into perspective.

I can still hear the howling, but it is a whisper, it does not touch me or influence me, in fact, I am now able to present a consistent pleasant face to the world, rather than a complete reflection of what is going on inside, having little regard for social norms has meant that I wear my heart on my sleeve in a way others possibly do not, the hearing loss has made me very inward, I no longer wish to share with all and sundry what is going on in my head, it has been a while since someone came in to collect a repair, dropping it off to a smartly dressed man, and finding an unshaven mess with the repair not ready a few days later (ahh, you need to speak to 'him', he's not here), and it worked, people nodded left and came back when 'he' was here, if it were my intention to create a mad world, I have succeeded, complete with multiple personalities, and the best one liners from every monty python/eddie murphy/chevy chase show.

I have always laughed at life, but the more you laugh at life, the more you have already accepted death. Accepting death in a Sikh way is different, it does not take away the love of life, in fact, it enforces it, but for me to accept death is to be dead already.

There are many many things going on at the moment, they do not rule me, they do not change me, I do not seek the howling to balance them, they will be solved, resolved in a calm and efficient manner,

This could well be the biggest personality change since I discovered the cheap thrills of being 13.

ouch

harry haller — Wed, 08 May 2013 05:46:19 GMT

throat swollen, cannot swallow other than soup, howling is the last thing on my mind, cannot hear, cannot talk very well, am the most content and happy I have been for a long time, my activities are restricted to the useful and helpful , I am noticing a change in myself, when you plant bad seeds, you know there will be consequences, and that makes the fear grow, when you are planting good seeds, you know you are doing the best you can, and, I have never felt it before, but there is a feeling, a feeling of connection, and a complete lack of fear, but now we go down what I believe to be a dangerous road, good things seem to be happening in abundance, it is tempting to believe my actions have made me special, that Creator loves me and has noticed my change in life, and is assisting my interaction with Creation. I do not know why, but this thought process seems wrong, the ease of life, the good things is merely Creation taking into account the good seeds, I have always felt all judgement comes via Creation, I think I will stick to that.

ill again.........

harry haller — Sun, 05 May 2013 21:18:13 GMT

and then we come full circle, yes, a mouth full of sores, hearing still gone, cough lingering, my entire head is in several phases of pain.

why? inconsonance, my diet, my lifestyle, once again, the howling is cut short by the emergency measures of my body.

He will not disturb me while I am ill, I am looking forward to a good connection whilst he is silent, the minor pains are a small price to pay

The wolf is more Sikh than I would care to admit

harry haller — Sat, 04 May 2013 20:27:08 GMT

I am floating above life, it seems to carry on below me, I do the best I can, I worship at the altar of Abraxas, I enjoy life, I do no harm, I help where it benefits me, but I am honest about it and my motives from the start, the meaning of life is now, right now, and damn the consequences,

now, the opposite of this must surely be

I am floating above life, it seems to carry on below me, I do the best I can, I worship Creation, I enjoy life, I do no harm, I help as per Hukam, it is hard knowing what to do to help sometimes, support, encouragement, teaching, can be more useful than straight help, it is as per the direction of Hukam, the meaning of life is now, right now, to make a difference

The Emperor has no clothes on

harry haller — Wed, 01 May 2013 21:22:43 GMT

Did you know the Emperor has no clothes on, none at all, and do you know who are the only people who can see the nakedness? the steppenwolves, and the Sikhs, those with the mark, the sign, we can clearly see the Emperor has no clothes, and we are bemused by those that are in awe at the finery of his dress, we do not understand, we cannot see it

Why its easy to be a Sikh and the Master of Puppets

harry haller — Mon, 29 Apr 2013 17:45:26 GMT

Its been a good day, I played the S and M concert by Metallical pretty much all day, and at full volume, I have never read the lyrics to Master of Puppets before, they made enlightening reading, brought back a lot of memories, and pointed out a few areas in which I am capable of sliding back.

The truth is, its easier to be Sikh...

As someone who has dabbled with most facets of life, I know what it feels like to be owned, to be a slave, if arrogance and pride are huge obstacles in the path to enlightenment, you would think the opposite path would be full of it, but you would be wrong. Following the opposite path, strips you of all self respect, you become needy, nervous, and yet, the end result is the same, the hit of a cocaine rock is to an addict, what enlightenment and connection is to a Sikh, the title of the song is apt, the thief becomes the master, it owns you, it tells you what to do, how to dress, what to spend your money on, it promises you pleasure beyond your wildest dreams, but the pleasure remains constant, and your expectations continue to grow, so you do more, and more and more, you chase the dragon, strange is it not, that if such devotion, such commitment were present in pursuing the true Master, what a difference a life would be. Where is the true Master, how do we find him, simple, its the truth, its that simple.

I would wager that if one were to put in 60% of the effort one puts in worshipping the thieves, into living by the truth, you would see a remarkable change in most peoples lives. How could it not be, anyone who has pledged so much to the dark ones, they know, deep in their hearts, they know, it is the pathway to death, and not just any death, a cold death, a bad death, the sort of death that has a thousand unfinished jobs, a torturous death, you die, in the knowledge that all you did was worship a monster, that is the sum total of your life, you were a monster worshipper.

You could have been a Sikh, but its too late now, the icy hands of death are around your throat, and the hell you fear so much, are the last few moments of your life, and then it hits you, and that moment suspends you forever, I had a choice, I could have been a Sikh, I wasted it, I was a nobody, sure a nobody with many sexual conquests, with a huge house, with cars, with people around in fear, but at the end of the day, a nobody,

When they used to illustrate hell as a devil with a pointed fork, they really had no idea about the nature of the human brain to torture itself, when regret, guilt and shame come to town.

A rare day

harry haller — Mon, 29 Apr 2013 07:40:35 GMT

Today is a rare day, the howling has stopped, which in itself is not that rare, but as it is normally replaced by the sanctimonious whinning that is the flipside, and that has stopped too. No arguing, a rarity, I am neither wolf nor man, again, normally this means the clown is in town, yes, the clown is in town, so today, I will play loud music, I will sing gustily, and I will try and ignore the stares of people as they look in to see a portly, hairy, balding sikh man, fix laptops whilst singing loudly and playing air guitar.

Phew, all that misery and thinking and self analysis, it can really get you in a rut! Today, is going to be a nice normal day, with sunshine and mischief!

of all the characters, this one is my favourite, it makes Sian laugh, it makes the dogs laugh, it makes everyone laugh, I will be sorry to see him go, maybe I can convince him to stay for a while.

Dedicated to the 5 thieves,

harry haller — Mon, 29 Apr 2013 07:00:21 GMT

End of passion play, crumbling away
I'm your source of self-destruction
Veins that pump with fear, sucking darkest clear
Leading on your deaths' construction

Taste me you will see
More is all you need
You're dedicated to
How I'm killing you

Come crawling faster
Obey your master

Your life burns faster
Obey your master
Master

Master of puppets I'm pulling your strings
Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams
Blinded by me, you can't see a thing
Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream
Master
Master
Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream
Master
Master

Needlework the way, never you betray
Life of death becoming clearer
Pain monopoly, ritual misery
Chop your breakfast on a mirror

Taste me you will see
More is all you need
You're dedicated to
How I'm killing you

Come crawling faster
Obey your master
Your life burns faster
Obey your master
Master

Master of puppets I'm pulling your strings
Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams
Blinded by me, you can't see a thing
Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream
Master
Master
Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream
Master
Master

Master, master, where's the dreams that I've been after?
Master, master, you promised only lies
Laughter, laughter, all I hear or see is laughter
Laughter, laughter, laughing at my cries

Hell is worth all that, natural habitat
Just a rhyme without a reason
Neverending maze, drift on numbered days
Now your life is out of season

I will occupy
I will help you die
I will run through you
Now I rule you too

Come crawling faster
Obey your master
Your life burns faster
Obey your master
Master

Master of puppets I'm pulling your strings
Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams
Blinded by me, you can't see a thing
Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream
Master
Master
Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream
Master
Master

Metallica S&M- Master of Puppets HQ LYRIC - YouTube

Bad news! getting worse, Good news, so is he!

harry haller — Sun, 28 Apr 2013 08:43:26 GMT

I am a Godfather to two young girls, they are the grandchildren of one of Sians friends. It was quite a sad story, but these two girls are now reaching for the sky, especially the elder.

yesterday we went to see a show the eldest was in, it was a good show, and I found myself driving back with a car full of females all tired and happy.

I did not enjoy the evening hugely, I kept getting flashbacks, thoughts, call it what you will, I looked around the theatre, around me proud parents beamed as they watched the show, inside my head the screaming had started, the howling, the sneering satisfaction of the animal, how dare you come here, it screeched, how dare you present yourself here as some sort of normal chap, spending an evening watching a childrens show, you fraud, you cheat, you don't belong here, among all this innocence.

I have found the lack of the howling hugely refreshing, it freed me from the shackles of what is a good time, to what is an innocent time, the way of the wolf is simple, accept death, now, today, and life becomes a lucid dream, you can do whatever you want, be whoever you want, the payoff is the madness, the lack of any purpose, of any goal other than quenching the fires that burn within, it is draining, both mentally and physically,

I woke up today to a silent world, with a raging temperature, both ears have now ceased, there is just a thumping pressure, and a ringing.

The wolf does not perform well under illness, so I am back , I wish I could see that show again, feeling as I do now.

Good news! getting better Bad news! so is he

harry haller — Sat, 27 Apr 2013 09:55:59 GMT

The cold is fading, as it fades, so do my cravings, my appetite, my desires, all increase, but there is an end, a point, I have had a glimpse of what life is like without them, and it is very peaceful, very contented, it is busy, it is long sighted, it is very very different.

I cannot keep jumping from one extreme to the other like this,

or can I.