The end...........
Posted 21-Jan-2012 at 23:03 PM by harry haller
The angiogram appt arrived this morning, it is booked for Friday...
I have been waiting for this day for 7 years, judgement day, if I am really lucky, they will be as clean as a babies arteries, however, they are not arteries, they are veins, pulled from my left leg, and are not as hardy as arteries, so, I should expect some clogging, either way, I think I have pushed the ante as far as I can, when I had my bypass, and drifted further and further into less exercise, less good diet habits, beer, I swore to myself that as long as I was healthy, I would carry on, however, the angiogram has put a stop to that, 'angiogram day' aka 'judgement day' is here, I will now be judged on my lifestyle for the last 7 years, the very fact that I have been booked in is enough, its time to take stock now and embrace what will probably be the last third of my life.
Do I wish to take this personality with me? err NO, so it is the end, whoever I am at the minute is about to cease, I can feel it inside me, the same as it always feels whenever a change is coming, I have a 6 days to focus on everything I have learned, everything I know, combine it all into a plan, and move forward.
I lay awake in bed last night, thinking of Creator, how tempting it is to make deals, if you can see your way to making my angiogram clear, I'll become a Gursikh, I'll be a better son, a better stepfather, a better husband, but there are no deals, my actions have left a trail, a mark, and Friday, when I am lying naked on the cold operating table with a needle in my thigh snaking towards my heart, I will wonder, and I will reflect, and I will hope.
The best scenario is unlikely, I am content with 1 vein/artery blocked, which they should be able to stent, if that happens, I will be happy, the worst scenario is total blockage, which was the result of my last angiogram, I did not leave hospital for 3 weeks that time, followed by a very quick bypass, and 2 months stuck at home, this time who knows, my mother says pray and trust in God, but this has nothing to do with God, and everything to do with me, I refuse to go crying to God begging for help, what am I supposed to say? it is like a small child told time and time again not to touch a fire, and finally the child gets burned and goes crying to dad, well Its time to take this one on the chin, either way, this personality has had its day, its got me this far, but its time for something to reflect changing circumstances, I need to be there for my parents as they get older, my brother, my wife, my animals, I need to be a better Sikh, I need to exercise my brain, to think, I thought being a Sikh was easy, but it is not, it requires a huge amount of thought and wisdom, and it is incredibly personal, to be honest, I am excited..
Today for the first time in years, I did not dress as my usual overgrown skater boy look, I dressed as a man, brown boots, Khaki dockers, black polo neck, matching socks, aftershave, I did get a few strange looks at work...., but I also, after tidying the shop, realised I was getting a better class of customer, one even said, oh youve just opened, uhmm no, we've been here 2 years, oh, Ive never noticed this shop, no, I thought, because it does not normally look like this,
I feel very uhmm normal............, what is most scary is people have started having normal conversations with me, about the weather, politics, family life, I did not ask one customer about their sex life all day!
so lets see where this goes.......
I have been waiting for this day for 7 years, judgement day, if I am really lucky, they will be as clean as a babies arteries, however, they are not arteries, they are veins, pulled from my left leg, and are not as hardy as arteries, so, I should expect some clogging, either way, I think I have pushed the ante as far as I can, when I had my bypass, and drifted further and further into less exercise, less good diet habits, beer, I swore to myself that as long as I was healthy, I would carry on, however, the angiogram has put a stop to that, 'angiogram day' aka 'judgement day' is here, I will now be judged on my lifestyle for the last 7 years, the very fact that I have been booked in is enough, its time to take stock now and embrace what will probably be the last third of my life.
Do I wish to take this personality with me? err NO, so it is the end, whoever I am at the minute is about to cease, I can feel it inside me, the same as it always feels whenever a change is coming, I have a 6 days to focus on everything I have learned, everything I know, combine it all into a plan, and move forward.
I lay awake in bed last night, thinking of Creator, how tempting it is to make deals, if you can see your way to making my angiogram clear, I'll become a Gursikh, I'll be a better son, a better stepfather, a better husband, but there are no deals, my actions have left a trail, a mark, and Friday, when I am lying naked on the cold operating table with a needle in my thigh snaking towards my heart, I will wonder, and I will reflect, and I will hope.
The best scenario is unlikely, I am content with 1 vein/artery blocked, which they should be able to stent, if that happens, I will be happy, the worst scenario is total blockage, which was the result of my last angiogram, I did not leave hospital for 3 weeks that time, followed by a very quick bypass, and 2 months stuck at home, this time who knows, my mother says pray and trust in God, but this has nothing to do with God, and everything to do with me, I refuse to go crying to God begging for help, what am I supposed to say? it is like a small child told time and time again not to touch a fire, and finally the child gets burned and goes crying to dad, well Its time to take this one on the chin, either way, this personality has had its day, its got me this far, but its time for something to reflect changing circumstances, I need to be there for my parents as they get older, my brother, my wife, my animals, I need to be a better Sikh, I need to exercise my brain, to think, I thought being a Sikh was easy, but it is not, it requires a huge amount of thought and wisdom, and it is incredibly personal, to be honest, I am excited..
Today for the first time in years, I did not dress as my usual overgrown skater boy look, I dressed as a man, brown boots, Khaki dockers, black polo neck, matching socks, aftershave, I did get a few strange looks at work...., but I also, after tidying the shop, realised I was getting a better class of customer, one even said, oh youve just opened, uhmm no, we've been here 2 years, oh, Ive never noticed this shop, no, I thought, because it does not normally look like this,
I feel very uhmm normal............, what is most scary is people have started having normal conversations with me, about the weather, politics, family life, I did not ask one customer about their sex life all day!
so lets see where this goes.......
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