18 hour days

Finally yesterday, I did an 18 hour day, got in the shop at 6, left at midnight, I worked, tried to spread some happiness, managed to get a grip on another 3 lines of Japji Sahib whilst debating it on msn with my mother, got rid of a huge backlog of work, and finally feel that I am back on some sort of level ground again.

I have tried to cheer my butcher friend up as much as possible, he is prone to breaking down in tears, although I seem to be the only person he does not show how upset he is, I joked about wearing yellow to the funeral, and he burst out laughing, I worry I am saying the wrong thing, but I feel he has enough people to break down with, and maybe he associates me with laughing, I do not know, I just went next door to check on him, and my knee length pink socks, (wifes) amused him highly, coupled with my long shorts, boots and (today) clean t shirt, I suppose I do look a bit funny, but I am glad I can make him laugh, its the sound I remember most from my childhood, Ambersariaji in a post I read yesterday mentioned facets of Creator that were always in you from birth, mine is making people laugh, for ages I assumed people were always laughing, and happy, as everywhere I went, people would laugh, I am not sure it if its at me, or with me, I am not sure I care, but if that is something I have to offer creation, than so be it

I seem to have freed myself from the shackles of lust, I am not a slave anymore, I am enjoying the cuddles still, I am enjoying the innocence, and I am enjoying the fact I am free, it is certainly cementing a spiritual bond between my wife and I, in fact she looks even more beautiful to me now that I am not constantly filled with lust, I notice more in her than just the obvious facets of her that I used to focus on, now this is the weirdest thing but, during what has become our daily early morning cuddle, I felt my eyes moisten, it was emotional for me, it sometimes does no harm to look at your life, and start over again, take yourself out of your comfort zone, discover something new, something wonderful,

I am beginning to think I am blessed, and that this time is also blessed, in the future people will die, Dan will die, Alfie will die , the ferrets, my parents,k people will get ill, there will be challenges of life, that make what I have been through seem like childsplay, I need to be ready, prepared, to take anything that comes at me and be able to deal with it, I think for this reason the dissection of Japji Sahib is so important to me, so that I am ready.

I looked at the ferrets this morning, talked to them, Spot is much better now, I feel a bond with them all, even the spider I shooed out of the bathroom this morning, My wife came in and berated me, she pointed at the corner, 'thats where he lives, why are you destroying his house', I suppose for the spider I am playing the role of creator, destroying his house, and exiling him into the cold morning, I brought him back in again, and watched him dart about reconstructing his web, fascinating...

Monday looms, funeral day, it will be a hard day for my friend and his wife, I hope the burial brings them some peace, they are catholics, they believe in god, I am glad of that for them