The results are in, no tumours, just a very cloudy bladder, so we are back to square one, a very ill dog, and no idea what is wrong with him.

Alfie seems unaware of the huge effect he is having on everyone round him, I keep coming home to strange women weeping in the kitchen, I do the only thing I can think of doing in times like this, work harder, Sian is one of the least needy women I have ever met, so is content to do the best she can for him, together with her own health problems,...

Last night was hard, lots of tears, Alfie was such a big dog, a big working dog, a real dog, and he is fading away before my very eyes. I cuddled him for a while on the floor, his eyes were still as friendly and as alive as ever, although I watched Sians mother die in her arms, I hardly knew her, and it really was her time, she was 80 and riddled with cancer, as well as being blind, it was a blessing to see her go, but death arriving to an animal that refuses to accept death, thats something else,...

The tests are back, Alfie has not got a thyroid problem caused by his thyroid, he has got a thyroid problem caused by something else, most likely a tumour on his liver according to the blood tests.

The danger is that the tumour will rupture, causing instant death, although the vet assures us that it is relatively painless, Alfie will just go into shock..

The house has become a house of death, you can smell it, I am at work, Sian is at home, due to the circumstances...

I seem to have a fairly good connection at the moment, it is ironic that all the things that I would have thought would bring such a connection, have not worked, and all the things that I do without a second thought are the ones that strengthen this connection.

Understanding has to be the biggest, learning about the real world, not the so called real world that I used to inhabit, where you measure your happiness on how much sex or pork belly you have had, but on how much you can...

Enough with the arguments,
enough with the anxiety,
enough with the convolutedness,
enough with the worry,
enough with the malignancy,

enough with it.

enough with the need to control,
enough with the need to hold on,
enough with comparing and contrasting,
enough with holding onto ideas of what Should be.

come acceptance of what is,
come openess of heart,
come openess of speach,
come clarity,...